The Twelve of Christmas Break

The 12 Daysof ChristmasBreak @TheShitastrophy

It’s the season my children are home for an extended vacation from school. Yay Me. There will be lots of threats, tears, and beer at the House of Shit. There is no avoiding it. Mix in the overload of food (dishes), friends (messes), and forced family fun time and I will be ready for them to go back to school after the first week. However, we are all stuck together for the interim and I’m trying to make the best of it, the only way I know how – alcohol and laughter.

We all know the kitchy classic The Twelve Days of Christmas, filled with wonderment and bullshit. Let’s be serious, no fucking person wants five different kinds of birds. Do you know what birds do? They crap a lot, and they squawk a lot. I hope to hell you own a bird sanctuary to house all those damn birds; the Partridge, turtle doves, french hens, calling birds, and the geese a laying cause if you don’t you are screwed.

Though I suppose if you have the space for the feathered friends then you have room for all the cows the maids are milking. I get it, the song is set in the time agriculture ruled the world. That’s not so much applicable in today society. I mean if I needed milk I would get into my car and drive to the local grocery store and get some milk. Problem solved. But this presents another issue in the application of this song for me.

I love the idea of the broadway play unfolding in front of me – you know the lords leaping and the ladies dancing. However I tried going to the ballet one time with The Hubs and you know what happened? He got up and tried to leave at intermission. He truly thought the show was over, and was less than enthused there was more to come. I’m not much better, we both bailed out of a Shakespeare fest, but to be fair it was painfully hot and just really painful. Cultured we are not. Though in my defense I have a slight edge in that I loved The Phantom of the Opera and The Rockettes.  Sadly even those dancing legs didn’t excite The Hubs.

All of these realizations has led me to update the holiday classic The 12 Days of Christmas to better reflect what is really going to happen in my home. I have kicked My True Love to the curb in order to incorporate my kids into the song. This is a new era, and we need a new holiday classic so here it is in all it’s splendor

The Twelve Days of Christmas Break
 
On the first day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the second day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the third day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the fourth day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the fifth day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and 
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the sixth day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the seventh day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
seven mouths a chomping
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the eighth day of Christmas Break
My kids gave to me
eight doors a banging
seven mouths a chomping
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the ninth day of Christmas Break
my kids gave to me
nine cups spilling
eight doors a banging
seven mouths a whining
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the tenth day of Christmas Break
my kids gave to me
ten loads of laundry
nine cups spilling
eight doors a banging
seven mouths a chomping
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the eleventh day of Christmas Break
my kids gave to me
eleven fucks a flying
ten loads of laundry
nine cups spilling
eight doors a banging
seven mouths a chomping
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
 
On the twelfth day of Christmas Break
my kids gave to me
twelve naggers nagging 
eleven fucks flying
ten loads of laundry
nine cups spilling
eight doors a banging
seven mouths a chomping
six swords a slaying
five glittery things
four toilet turds
three extra friends
two prayers above and
A reason to drink with glee
Cheers Motherfuckers – may your holidays be full of love, laughter, and language
 

Happy Holidays to You and Yours,

from Me and Mine!

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  1. Haha! Holy crap! This is fantastic! You did a bang-up job on the song – and hit the nail right on the head! So true!

  2. Seriously, how many days are left?!? Also, while I wouldn’t have any use for the lords, ladies, maids, drummers, or pipers, all of those birds (with the possible exception of the calling bird, which I think is really small) are edible. So there’s that.

  3. Great! Sure the Hubs feels bad he wasn’t included in this one. But hey, there’s always next year! Keep the fucks flying…

  4. Phil says:

    Just wanted to drop by and wish you and yours a happy and healthy holiday season!

    A reason to drink with glee for sure!