37 Ways Not To Be an Asshole

Funny animal picture of gorilla flipping off people

In case you live on a commune, or are a hermit, you may not have noticed how overpopulated the world has become with assholes. People everywhere have lost the ability to be kind to one another, or think how their actions will impact another. I’ve reached my tipping point of douche baggery and now I am forced to spill my thoughts on the matter.

In the last week I have seen countless examples of people basically saying, “Fuck you!” to the needs of others. I’m not talking about upholding the 10 Commandments or anything either, I am talking about some basic tenants of society. And yes I do realize the United States Constitution gives you certain rights, however I do not remember the right to be an asshole as one of them.

Here are just some helpful ways YOU can NOT be an asshole:

  1. Don’t park in handicap parking unless you are actually handicapped.
  2. Stop for people in the crosswalk.
  3. Allow someone to turn onto a busy road, if possible.
  4. Help a person whose car is stuck in the snow, especially if they are elderly or handicapped.
  5. Hold the door for the person behind you.
  6. Don’t cut in line.
  7. If you find something that is not yours try to find the owner.
  8. Say hi to the new kid.
  9. If you have extra food and someone is in need share it.
  10. If the person behind you in the checkout lane has 1 thing and you have 50, let them go ahead of you.
  11. Return your grocery cart to the coralle.
  12. If you are at a dining establishment and you make a mess clean it up.
  13. Do not lay on the horn if the person in front of you is 1 second late on flooring the gas at a light.
  14. Clean up after your animals, aka – my lawn is not where your dog can take a shit.
  15. Don’t litter.
  16. Lower your stereo in your car, I do not need to vibrate along to your bass.
  17. Say “Please” and “Thank You”.
  18. If the person in front of you in line needs a few cents, give it to them if you can.
  19. If a little kid is in line for the bathroom and really has to go, let them.
  20. Congratulate the other team if they win.
  21. Keep your hands to yourself at all times.
  22. Wave someone through a stop sign if you are not in a rush.
  23. If you are supposed to pick your kid up at a certain time and will be late, call – don’t assume 4 hours later is fine (it’s not).
  24. Don’t race up on the side of the highway to merge when everyone else is merging 1/2 a mile back.
  25. Give a nod/wave a thank you when someone stops their car to let you cross outside of the crosswalk.
  26. Courtesy flush if you are stink bombing the bathroom.
  27. Hold the elevator doors when you see someone trying to get on.
  28. Don’t use the last of the toilet paper without replacing it.
  29. Don’t double dip your chip, no one wants your cooties.
  30. Cover your mouth when you sneeze/cough.
  31. Stop talking on your phone when checking out in a store, on an airplane when it is time to stow it, at your kids events, etc.
  32. If your dog is barking outside bring the dog inside, your neighbors don’t want to hear Baxter.
  33. Don’t allow your kid to be a jerk to other kids.
  34. Don’t spit your gum out anywhere but the garbage.
  35. Tip those in the service industry that should be tipped – bell man, driver, waiter/waitress, etc.
  36. If you have 20 things do not get in the 12 and under checkout line.
  37. Do not EVER ask to speak to my husband about an issue you are currently talking to me about.

Sure everyone has an asshole, but let’s stop being one too.

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  1. Noelle says:

    Now I’m curious about #37. WTF?

    • Meredith says:

      Me too! Can we get a Reader’s Digest version?

    • Wait I can’t be the only one this has happened to?! Right?? I’ve had a few people ask to talk to John after speaking with me regarding issues at the house. Apparently they didn’t like me calling them out on stuff (Schulle Fence I’m looking at you & Furbringer Landscaping).

      • Meredith says:

        Oh, yes, that’s happened to me too. Ditto with servicing and/or buying cars. We are engaged so our money is still separate and when I went to buy a car I indicated to the sales guy that I was purchasing a car and he turned and started speaking to my fiancé about it.

        • That shit SETS ME FREE! I go and negotiate my own car, the hubs just shows up and signs when it is time. He knows better than to go with me because when they start talking to him (which they will) he cringes knowing damn well I will call them out on it.

  2. AMEN!
    My husband is guilty of ‘the cab driver move’ #24. I slunk into the passenger seat until I am unable to be seen and scream at him.
    I am guilty of #26 but in my defence, I get so grossed out about splash back and the hover flush is just as bad that I am difficult to live with. The family has decided to use the other room. Win/win.

  3. This is kind of for #5 and #17 together because I see it all the time and it drives me crazy. Our kids have been taught to hold the door open for people when they are coming and going. What drives me crazy is the lack of manners of SO many people who don’t even acknowledge the fact that these kids are holding the door open for them (and making me wait too, LOL). My kids always comment, those people were so rude, they didn’t even say thank you! Never expected, but acknowledgement would be nice. Nod your head for crying out loud! Love this post!

  4. Matt G says:

    Crap I do a couple of these lol, I guess I’m 1% asshole 😀

    Another thing that gets me are people who drive slow in the left lane, or when your in a drive-thru getting food and the person behind you has their lights shining bright at you!

  5. Tom Farrell says:

    Numbers 1,5,11,13 and 24 are on my list. Also, relative to #5, if someone else is holding the door for you a polite “thank you” is in order. (I hate it when I hold the door and people pass through without a thank you, as if I’m the uniformed doorman)

    #13 is an epidemic in Chicago. My unscientific analysis is that this offense is usually performed by egotistical yuppies or Gen-Xers.

    • Yes the door thing kinda sets me free, how hard is it to say Thank You? Apparently very, because people can barely acknowledge a nice act when it is done.

  6. Jamie says:

    Can’t help but agree with all of these entirely. It’s all just plain honest-to-god politeness.
    My partner is pretty good in general too except for number 24, he ALWAYS does that also he’s never going to be the recipient of a polite nod for stopping to let someone cross. His car turns him into an asshole it seems.

  7. Linda says:

    This should be posted all over New Jersey. Huge public service. And no pushing or shoving allowed when people are crowded around reading it, either.

  8. Good tips! These things should be basic common sense… but maybe a whole bunch of people never taught this stuff to their kids, and then the kids grew up and didn’t teach it to their own kids, and so on… and now there are many, many rude people!

  9. Liz says:

    This is a good start. Haha. My own list would never end. Got to add all the NYC subway stuff. Reams right there. And yes, 37, I hate that. Talk to me. My husband is even more clueless.

    • One of these days I am going to end up laying someone out when they ask to talk to my husband.

  10. Phil says:

    Great list that should be printed and handed out at every public event!

  11. Maura says:

    A caveat to #27. If there is a full elevator don’t call out and make people hold the elevator for you when there is a whole bank of elevators. Just wait for the next one. I admit that I don’t hold the elevator when it is going to cause a long delay for me. I am on a top floor and most of the time someone makes a fuss they then get out at 2 or 3. Wait or walk!

  12. everytime I think there is simply not any more room for assholes- my sister walks into the room.