My Kids Are Slowly ‘Chip’ping Away At My Sanity

If I’m not doing laundry, chauffeuring kids some place, cooking (ok maybe not all the time but they are fed daily), picking up nasty ass socks off the floor (I’m looking at you oldest child), helping with homework (when I can because seriously that ‘New Math’ just confuses the hell out of me), I can be found making almost daily trips to the grocery store – my home away from home.

When preparing to go to the grocery store I start with The List. In compiling the The List I make cursory glances into the refrigerator to check supplies. Sliding open the drawers I see we have enough cheese to last a World War, you would think it was being given away free. This is because shredded cheese is on sale EVERY DAMN WEEK and I forget (my mind is shot because of years of a lack of sleep) that we have a more cheese than the Swiss and buy some ‘just in case’. I notice a gallon of milk, think ‘I’m pretty sure I just bought that’ and move on to the status of our fruit – normally covered in enough mold we could open a hospital (hey I tried). Closing the fridge I move to the pantry and see ten types of cereal in various states of use, noticing the two ginormous boxes (they only come in mega size) of Cornflakes I must have bought for a recipe. I see a whole bunch of canned food and think, “yeah I got enough of whatever I’m going to need” – I won’t there will be a call for beef broth in some recipe and I’ll have 5 cans of chicken and no beef. I slide out the bottom drawer of the pantry and am greeted by four half open boxes of spaghetti, surely they can be combined to make a pound if necessary (I’ll find out after boiling the water and warming up my jar of sauce they are all different types of pasta). Last but not least I open the bins where I keep the good stuff. My eyes register the bag of tortilla chips and notice it is folded nicely with a chip clip on it half way down. Finally I notice my faithful favorite the Doritos bag, rolled and tucked under the tortilla chips.

All is well.

While my children toil at school I am off to the grocery store again, without my list because it’s sitting on the counter at home. I also forgot my recyclable bags that need to be returned. I figure I’ll remember most of the list and start going up and down the aisles hoping something will jar my memory. Grabbing more cereal, because it’s on sale, I skip the pasta aisle all together – I’ve got plenty I’m sure. I see cheese is on sale and although I know we had shredded cheddar I can’t be too sure about mozzarella so I put a bag in the cart, but it’s 2/$5 so I grab some Mexican mix of shredded cheese too. I walk past the glass doors filled to the brim with milk of every type – whole, 1%, 2%, chocolate, strawberry, and organic remembering the gallon in the refrigerator. Swinging down the final aisle I turn the corner to head to checkout and see an end cap overflowing with chips on sale. I remember the half filled bags, I’m covered.

That evening, once you are all tucked into bed I grab out a Nemo bowl from the cupboard and take out the cereal. I select the Lucky Charms because I’m five, and fill the bowl to the top with the ‘magically delicious’ treat. I slide to the refrigerator and grab the milk jug by it’s handle, and because I am expecting to find a half filled gallon not an empty one, the jug slams into the glass shelf above it. WTF family. Do I not do enough for you all? Can you just put the god damn empty milk container in the garbage? What type of person puts an empty milk container back in the fridge? Cruel people that’s who.

Sighing I pour the cereal back into the box and turn my focus on my other favorite evening snack – chips. I put heaps of salsa in the Nemo bowl, my mouth watering at the symphony of flavors that is about to happen. This is what I’ve been waiting for all day. I slide open the bin and grab out the tortilla chips, the anticipation is growing. I reach my hands in the bag and find crumbs – fucking crumbs! Who the hell eats all the damn chips, takes the time to replace the chip clip, and puts the bag back in the drawer? Assholes that’s who. I still have an option, the Doritos! With as much hope as a little kid asking a parent for a piece of candy I unfurl the bag, put my hand in the bag and find…more fucking crumbs.

SON OF A BITCH!

Family I will not forget this travesty, well until I go to the store again and buy more cheese, while cruising past the chips and milk because I’m sure we have some in the fridge.

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