A Letter to Bra Designers

Bra Designers

Dearest Bra Designers,

I think we have reached the point in our relationship I can be honest with you. You’ve been there through weight gain, weight loss, pregnancy, nursing, dating and marriage. You really have been a big supporter in my life.

However, like all good relationships I have noticed some issues that need to be addressed. You seem to have the inflated belief women want their breasts to be resting on false pretenses. Simply put, there is an overabundance of padding in your bras. Not just one or two styles either, almost every style is as enhanced as Kim Kardashian’s little sister Kylie Jenner’s ass (click here if you want to see the amazing transformation from child to diva). Let me break it down a little better for you, you have put the equivalent of a bounce house in each of your designs. You know what most grown women do not like? They do not like bounce houses, kids have ruined both trampolines and bounce houses for us. They have also ruined the impracticality of wearing your bedazzled, puffed up padded lies.

I’m not sure who decided women want their boobs to look like they are on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but we don’t. Just as we do not want to be coated in gold glitter lying in cold water for the perfect photo, we do not want our ladies to be cradled in deceit. There is no need to give the illusion that our C’s are really D’s, or even worse, our DD’s are DDD’s. Please tell whoever decided to put the throw pillows in each of our cups to stop. And as much as I believe my ladies to be royalty they do not need to rest atop the throne you have created in a misguided effort to create cleavage. This becomes especially true when shopping for a bra size above a B cup, and honestly even at a B cup, or A cup, there is no need to boost the size to some preconceived societal expectation. I do not need my breasts to be on display, or sitting on a shelf of padding you have created. The girls do not require more cushioning than a Poise pad.

But it’s not just your zest for enhanced breasts. There’s the embellishments. Some women, myself included, like a little something on their bras so that they have a less utilitarian look, and more of a feminine look. The key word is little as in a hint of lace, a scalloped edging, or maybe the smooth soft feeling of satin. What we do not want is bling. There is zero need for rhinestones on my bra. I am not an escort, nor am I wearing this garment on top of my clothing. And bras dripping in lace, well you really should embrace the less is more concept. The reality is lace sucks on bra’s because it shows through shirts, requiring the use of a tank top/cami, and an all lace bra is itchy. There is no subtle way to attack your breasts in a fit of itching rage while in public.

And can we all agree that cone boobs are not ok, ever. Just as almost every fashion from the early 90’s sucked, this one did too. It didn’t even look good when Madonna wore them, and it still doesn’t.

You know what my boobs do need? They need support. I need them to be held in place on my chest. I do not need them up around my neck. I do not need them hanging low. Please just create a device that will allow the girls to be held where they are meant to be. And please find a way to make a strap that neither digs into my shoulder, nor falls off my shoulder as the day wears on. I do love going on a treasure hunt to find the rogue strap that has decided to make an escape attempt, probably from exhaustion from holding my girls in place, they are a rowdy pair no doubt. If we can put a man on the moon and can transplant organs I really think a proper strap and band is not too far out of reach.

And yes I could wear a sports bra, but I am not running a marathon, nor am I traversing the earth. The uni-boob look of a sports bra does little for me, and my libido. Oh and have you ever tried to get in, or out, of one of those? Even with the clasp closure in the back it is not the simplest to achieve. So no, do not even consider recommending that I should wear some undergarment meant for serious calisthenics. I am neither an endorser of cardio gear when not doing actual cardio, nor am I one for a bra that gives me claustrophobia just thinking about.

Consider me the Goldilocks of bra wearers –  this one is too tight, that one is too padded, and this one is too itchy. The difference is I have cash and I want the undergarment to have both support and style, minus the lies. If you continue to charge upwards of $30, $40, $50 per bra is it too much to ask for the bra to be just right? I don’t think so, nor do the other millions of women purchasing your wares.

Thank you for the support –

The Shit

 

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Comments

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Comments

  1. I would love to say that I am throwing mine out and doing without from now on because let’s face it they were invented by men with small penises! I would but then I would have two kneecaps and that would just look weird!

    • Yup – the burning of bras had an important place in history, just glad I didn’t have to do it.

  2. Lucie Riggi says:

    First to find the right bra you need to go to a bra fitter. 80% of woment don’t wear the right size or style or shape and you can change size up to 4 times in your life. Like a lot of things their’s a difference in the quality of a bra by the price. you need to pay to have a good bra. Prima Donna, Simone Perele, Chantelle, Rosa Faia are brands that will give you a great fit and style and colors. Better to have 3 good bras then to have 15 that don’t fit or last. And please wash by hand and no dryer.

    • I agree 1000% better to have 3 good ones than 15 that don’t fit! We are limited in our town, none of those brands are available and sadly the main bra fitter is Victoria Secrets, who I SWEAR sizes you up so women think they have these huge boobs.

    • Danette says:

      Try being the fat girl with A-B cups. Not happening. I went to a specialty store once, was sized up and was told there are no bras made in my size. I wear a genie bra right now, but it’s not flattering. Years and years ago there were some stretch bras with the cups that kind of criss-crossed underneath. Those were great, at least them you don’t have the uniboob. I’ve been looking for them again ever sense.

  3. Can I also say that not all of us need underwires. I wish I did, but really, I don’t. Bras that don’t have underwires, if you can find them, look like they’re for 15 year olds! And yes, the padding thing is ridiculous, even for me.

    Anita

  4. Yes, yes, yes…they even put pads in bathing suits…support yes…more padding…no. And the padding “triangles” end up all discombobulated in the suit if they don’t get lost in the laundry forever anyway. Out with the padding!

    • OMG the swimsuit pads are horrendous! Nothing like leaning into your child and have a gush of water out of your boobs.

  5. Jill R. says:

    I would also add: “Attention bra makers everywhere: if you make a C cup or larger bra, PLEASE make the straps wider (and not the cheap elastic that rolls up), for the love of non-deformed shoulder blades!!”
    I personally like a little light modesty padding so that I’m not high beaming strangers when it’s cold out! 😉 Also, a little bit of padding in the bottom part of the cup is a good boost for larger breasted or older women – but no where near what VS or Wonderbra use! Also love the wider elastic back (Soma and Maidenform have this style) that doesn’t pinch or make bulges like the elastic strips.

    • I can second the call for wider straps! Yes a little padding, not a whole pillow though!

  6. Elwood says:

    I understand the realities of the larger-chested women, I truly do (my sister got all the goods), but I’m at the other end of the spectrum with another whole set of bra-finding issues. I am a 36 “nearly A”. Now most ladies who a AA are skinnier in the ribs, and can find sizes in 32 or 34. They just don’t fit me. And then when I do find the 36 nearly A sizes, they have a shape to them (as some of you mentioned) which is not natural. It’s actually quite comical. And in fact, if they have a shape, I don’t fill it, so there is a large air pocket in the cup. Or sometimes, the cup apexes are close together as a younger girl’s might be, whereas I’m a 40-something-year-old who’s had a couple of kids and gained/lost weight, etc, so the girls rest a little farther apart than a teen’s and I have to either try to squeeze them together (again, quite comical) or let them sort of sag out the sides with semi-vacant cups on the front. I’ve really gotten to like my flat-chestedness over the years, so I also say NO to the padding, but it sure would be nice to find a bra designed for a small-chested mature woman.

  7. Jana says:

    I also am not a fan of padding — except in one instance. You see, somewhere along the line, my right boob decided it was tired of growing and so it stopped. And my left boob decided to bust out a bit more — about a half of a cup size more (if there is such a thing). So, I’ll get a bra that fits Lefty and Ms. Right just can’t fill out her half. It’s just sad. What I would like is a bra that has padding on just one side (or maybe a bra that allows a person (me in this case) to add padding to one side). Is that too much to ask?

  8. samara says:

    I am at the lower end of the alphabet and even I don’t appreciate all the padding. I was looking for an underwire bra in VS with no padding – it was like searching for a unicorn over the rainbow.

    I’m divorced and re-entering the dating arena. I don’t need false advertising. It’s disingenuous. Can you imagine how it would feel to pull off a D-cup bra and reveal C-girls? It’s like going on a blind date with a man who hasn’t been his driver’s license weight in 15 years.

    I’m with you on the lace thing. Itchy! Only to be worn for brief periods of time. 🙂

  9. Oh, this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart (terrible, terrible pun. Forgive me.) It is also timely. I had a crazy busy day yesterday. I was running late, and the closest bra at hand, randomly, was a super padded one. I had purchased it exclusively to wear with my wedding gown because the gown was too loose in the chest, I’m cheap, and buying a bra with what appeared to be throw pillows sewn inside of it was less expensive than paying to have the gown altered. If I didn’t leave the house in 5 seconds I was going to be late for a doctor appointment, so I put it on, thinking I’d change it later. One thing led to another and I ended up at my night shift as a LONGSHOREMAN wearing the most impractical bra in the universe. All. Night. Long. Longshoring is a skilled trade that requires a lot of movement, bending, hauling, stuff like that. Stuff that pretty, giant bras weren’t meant to endure. Not only did it fake-out my boobs into looking huge, but it couldn’t even keep them strapped in. The padding actually pushed them up so far that every time I bent over to do something (which was often, because I was wrapping steel slings around logs being loaded onto a steamship) at least one boob would flop out and hit me in the chin. Which led to me having to turn away, repeatedly, and tuck my wayward boob(s) back into the useless thing. I’ve never been so happy to take a garment off in my life. Fredericks of Hollywood, I hate you.

    • I know exactly what a Longshoreman is – you have my admiration! I have a logistics degree, so I totally know what you are up against. Ever notice Fredricks of Hollywood is a man’s name? Should be Fredricka of Hollywood and then it has some respect from me.