Dearest Bra Designers,
I think we have reached the point in our relationship I can be honest with you. You’ve been there through weight gain, weight loss, pregnancy, nursing, dating and marriage. You really have been a big supporter in my life.
However, like all good relationships I have noticed some issues that need to be addressed. You seem to have the inflated belief women want their breasts to be resting on false pretenses. Simply put, there is an overabundance of padding in your bras. Not just one or two styles either, almost every style is as enhanced as Kim Kardashian’s little sister Kylie Jenner’s ass (click here if you want to see the amazing transformation from child to diva). Let me break it down a little better for you, you have put the equivalent of a bounce house in each of your designs. You know what most grown women do not like? They do not like bounce houses, kids have ruined both trampolines and bounce houses for us. They have also ruined the impracticality of wearing your bedazzled, puffed up padded lies.
I’m not sure who decided women want their boobs to look like they are on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but we don’t. Just as we do not want to be coated in gold glitter lying in cold water for the perfect photo, we do not want our ladies to be cradled in deceit. There is no need to give the illusion that our C’s are really D’s, or even worse, our DD’s are DDD’s. Please tell whoever decided to put the throw pillows in each of our cups to stop. And as much as I believe my ladies to be royalty they do not need to rest atop the throne you have created in a misguided effort to create cleavage. This becomes especially true when shopping for a bra size above a B cup, and honestly even at a B cup, or A cup, there is no need to boost the size to some preconceived societal expectation. I do not need my breasts to be on display, or sitting on a shelf of padding you have created. The girls do not require more cushioning than a Poise pad.
But it’s not just your zest for enhanced breasts. There’s the embellishments. Some women, myself included, like a little something on their bras so that they have a less utilitarian look, and more of a feminine look. The key word is little as in a hint of lace, a scalloped edging, or maybe the smooth soft feeling of satin. What we do not want is bling. There is zero need for rhinestones on my bra. I am not an escort, nor am I wearing this garment on top of my clothing. And bras dripping in lace, well you really should embrace the less is more concept. The reality is lace sucks on bra’s because it shows through shirts, requiring the use of a tank top/cami, and an all lace bra is itchy. There is no subtle way to attack your breasts in a fit of itching rage while in public.
And can we all agree that cone boobs are not ok, ever. Just as almost every fashion from the early 90’s sucked, this one did too. It didn’t even look good when Madonna wore them, and it still doesn’t.
You know what my boobs do need? They need support. I need them to be held in place on my chest. I do not need them up around my neck. I do not need them hanging low. Please just create a device that will allow the girls to be held where they are meant to be. And please find a way to make a strap that neither digs into my shoulder, nor falls off my shoulder as the day wears on. I do love going on a treasure hunt to find the rogue strap that has decided to make an escape attempt, probably from exhaustion from holding my girls in place, they are a rowdy pair no doubt. If we can put a man on the moon and can transplant organs I really think a proper strap and band is not too far out of reach.
And yes I could wear a sports bra, but I am not running a marathon, nor am I traversing the earth. The uni-boob look of a sports bra does little for me, and my libido. Oh and have you ever tried to get in, or out, of one of those? Even with the clasp closure in the back it is not the simplest to achieve. So no, do not even consider recommending that I should wear some undergarment meant for serious calisthenics. I am neither an endorser of cardio gear when not doing actual cardio, nor am I one for a bra that gives me claustrophobia just thinking about.
Consider me the Goldilocks of bra wearers – this one is too tight, that one is too padded, and this one is too itchy. The difference is I have cash and I want the undergarment to have both support and style, minus the lies. If you continue to charge upwards of $30, $40, $50 per bra is it too much to ask for the bra to be just right? I don’t think so, nor do the other millions of women purchasing your wares.
Thank you for the support –