Crazy Sex Injuries

CrazySex Injuries

Some people have a very adventurous sex life, and as a result sometimes things happen that leave the common man wondering how in the world did you ever think that was a good idea. I mean most people have had some hot and heavy moments in their lives but have you ever looked at your betrothed and thought, you know what would make this even better? Concrete! If you have please message me the details because that can not have ended well.

A few weeks ago I stumbled across a list of some down right heinous sex injuries and I just couldn’t help but wonder WHAT the hell were they thinking? I mean I was FLOORED, which is not the easiest thing to do. But you tell me…

  1. An obese man smashed his girlfriends head through a sheet rock wall while losing his virginity (ABC and Huffington Post)
    • Well that’s one way to make an impression on the ladies, but I think it’s safe to say he should probably take bottom next time. I also would hazard there will not be a next time, with her at least. Talk about banging someone, unconscious.
  2. A Chinese woman permanently lost her hearing when her boyfriend sucked her ear drum out (BBC). Apparently his deep throated tornado suction on her ear reduced the air pressure in her mouth pulling her ear drum out. Ewe, and how long was he doing that?! My God.
    • Little helpful advice for the men in the crowd, at no point should you be sucking your partners ear. Nibble – yes, whispering – yes, inhaling like it’s a balloon full of nitrous oxide – NO.
  3. A cement rectal cast was extracted from a man after his partner poured concrete into his rectum (ABC news / Cosmo). It required doctors to use two catheters to reduce suction in order to remove the concrete from the patients ass in one piece.
    • HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN? Does someone just love their partner’s ass so much they want to immortalize it, but instead of going with the obvious plaster of paris on the outside they think let’s get deep and personal and take a mold of the inside of brownie with concrete!
    • And seriously that shit makes a fucking MESS!
    • I can’t help but wonder a few things here – is his ass now stretched out? how did he even agree to this? How hard did the ER staff laugh when they were chipping away at stonehenge? Was it like birthing a baby?
  4. A man injected cocaine into his urethra in hopes of sustaining an erection, instead he ended up developing gangrene in his penis. Apparently he had done this another time and it resulted in him having a 3 hour erection, however this time he lost his penis, both legs and 9 fingers.
    • Ok, so much going on here where do I start? First I get emails daily about how to supersize my shlong, and considering I don’t have one I would say there are no real barriers to getting the magic blue boner pill.
    • How much coke does this dude have that he is just wasting it in his dick? Every coke head I ever knew would lick the mirror to get every last morsel of it.
    • Who looks at their mountain of blow and thinks I know I am gonna put this into my dick? It’s not a fucking blow up doll asshole.
    • Finally the nose candy tends to numb the body, so WHY would you want to numb your dick? HOW is that something you would want?
  5. Speaking of blowing, A woman bit her bosses penis off when she was busy slobbin’ his knob when the vehicle they were in was accidentally struck by another vehicle. Luckily the PI her husband had hired to watch her was close by and called an ambulance.
    • Well that’s one way to get caught with your pants down, but it looks like she swallowed the evidence.
  6. A man cut open his partners vagina while trying to pleasure her with a dildo attached to an electric saw. She was rushed to the hospital soon after the saw sliced through the sex toy.
    • Wait a minute, hold the door people. What woman OK’s a fucking electric saw being used in her vagina? How does this even get approval?
    • How fucking lazy is he that he didn’t want to have to actually manually use the dildo but tried to rig himself a vibrator via an electric saw?!  Dude suck it up and get the vibrator, it’s under $20 and your partner will still have a vagina for you to lay the pipe in.
  7. A woman died after her partner clipped hooks to her nipples and then attached the clips to an electrical main, he even put electrical tape over her mouth. He was later charged with her manslaughter.
    • Nothing says electrifying moment than actually being shocked.
  8. Please forgive me father for this one, but there was a woman who required emergency help when she found herself pulling the book of James, John, Luke, and Mark out of her vagina. Apparently she had a little too much fun in a hotel room with a few men and I guess they wanted a blessing from above, so clearly the only option was to  use the Gideon Bible as a dildo.
    • She must have had an epiphany when she began pushing out verses and psalms from her hoo-ha.
    • I think next time a simple blessing will do.

I feel a lot better about my vibrator collection, so there’s that. Who knew I was such a prude?

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  1. Balls!

    That makes me feel a lot better about my previous sexcapade injuries.

  2. Lorien says:

    Aw, holy HELL VIRGINIA! I cannot even pick the one I am most kerfuffled about – coke-dick? Sawzall dildo? By the grace of, GOD, WTF were they thinking??? Which is the point of the retelling, I’m sure. 😉

  3. I am dying over here. I haven’t laughed this hard in so long.

    This is also bringing back a TON of memories of stories I heard from my Mom when was a nurse in the ER. Horror stories, truly, about the things people put into their orifices and wind up in the hospital to have removed. The best one ever was the light bulb up a dude’s ass. No kidding. It wasn’t even broken.

  4. AmyM says:

    This made me laugh so hard. Thanks for sharing. Nothing shocks me anymore.
    I have a friend who had come out of a bad sexless marriage and then met the man of her dreams. He was in the military and deployed for long periods of time and when he came home things got pretty hot in the bedroom to the point that one night she clenched her jaw so hard when the BIG O hit that it locked up and she had to go to the hospital in a hurry. It took them awhile to get her unclenched and they needed to know how it happened. So he explained it, proudly. They recommend keeping tongue depressors nearby to unclench that jaw issue. Everyone in that ER in that night wanted to see the woman laying there because he gave it so good she could not open her mouth.
    This is not as good as the Gideon Bible story but my 2 cents.

  5. Tom F. says:

    A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist’s office and says that he has an obstruction.

    So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy’s ass but can’t find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.

    The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn’t believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy’s ass again but this time he finds something.

    “Good God!” the doctor exclaims, “No wonder you’re in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass.”

    The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, “Read the card! Read the Card!”

  6. #6. This woman needs to seriously knock off the HGTV. That’s hardcore, yo.


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