My Elitist Asshole Neighbor

This past weekend my neighbor had the audacity to stand at my fence and tap on his watch to signal to the gentlemen mowing my lawn that 7 pm on a Saturday night was an unacceptable time for such atrocities. He also felt that including his 12 year old son in his showmanship was warranted.

This set me free.

The same pompous jerk came onto my property two years prior to scold the same gentleman mowing our lawn on Father’s Day that the noise at 2 pm was akin to murder and he would greatly appreciate him stopping the interruption of his hallowed day. At the time the gentleman that does our lawn acquiesced to the neighbor, apologized and left.

That set me free.

Here is the thing, this neighbor has not gone across the street to tap on his watch as that homeowner does his lawn at 7 pm. This same douche bag neighbor did not say boo to the other neighbor when he mowed his lawn two times a week at 7 pm. Nor did the same patronizing person mention the disturbance of his Father’s Day to any other homeowner that was doing yard work, nope only to my lawn guy. So what is the difference? Why would he stand at my fence line and tap his watch while his son stood no more than five feet away, clearly watching it unfold at his father’s invitation?

I will tell you. He is an elitist. He feels he is better than the gentleman that was working in my yard. That since this is a hired person, and not the homeowner, he somehow feels that talking down and trying to demean another person is permitted.

Well it is not.

After the great Father’s Day incident of 2012 I informed the gentleman, that has done our yard for years, my less than stellar feelings about my neighbor. I was on fire and had to do everything to not lose my cool, but at my husband’s request I kept it stifled. However this past weekend my neighbor learned that he got a pass that Father’s Day from my lawn person because this time he had his tail handed to him when he was informed to, “Take that bullshit and get away from me.” Oh BTW dick head neighbor – if you had kept your mouth shut he would have been done an hour earlier. However since you think you are God my wonderful lawn person proceeded to mow the backyard again, weed whip, and blow off the entire yard.

This made my day.

My neighbor is of the opinion that since he went to college and has a job in corporate America he is somehow better than this gentleman. He doesn’t know this person’s character. He doesn’t know anything about him except that he mows our yard, but somehow this has given my neighbor carte blanche to be a pretentious prick.

Well it doesn’t.

This same family is moving to my favorite state, New Jersey, for his job. I can only hope that they receive a warm New Jersey welcome. (In case you don’t know this – I am from NJ and yeah, they are not all that friendly to newcomers…) My neighbor may want to curb his elitist ways before he arrives in a state that was founded on manual labor, that plays second fiddle to NYC, and is tougher and stronger than he can ever imagine. His rude and demonstrative ways will work in some arenas, but the thing in NJ is that you never know just who you are dealing with.

And thanks to NJ being one of only two states where it is illegal to pump your own gas, I suppose he can still look forward to being an elitist prick to those workers. He should be careful though they probably own the gas station and will not take his arrogant egotistical ways very nicely.

Fingers Crossed.

My ElitistAsshole Neighbor





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  1. May NJ “bury” him with kindness. Glad for you he’s moving.

    • says:

      HA! Amy you always have the best lines!! Yes, here’s to killing him with kindness and I can’t move them quick enough.

  2. Lance says:

    Until we moved into our current house in November 2010, I had a neighbor like this in every other place we lived. From the busybody spinster in charge of the HOA to the yard Nazi grump to the cul de sac princess who determined who was worthy…I’ve lived next to them all.

    I pumped my fist and yelled “go get ’em Alyson!” while reading this. This makes ma a crazy person but also on your side, virtually.

    • says:

      I see a post of top ten neighbors you will run into in life.

  3. Not sure someone like this will ever learn – until someone “better” than him comes along and puts him in his place. Which doesn’t really solve the problem, because then you just have a *bitter* elitist asshole.

    • says:

      Sadly I think you are right. Fingers crossed the better comes along.

  4. Wow. Now I know “the rest of the story” as Paul Harvey put it.

    I am from NJ and yeah, they are not all that friendly to newcomers…

    Let me guess… he’ll be told he’s a F.O.O.T. as well as possibly some other profanity-laced insults?

    And thanks to NJ be one of only two states where it is illegal to pump your own gas

    I did not know that, but… I know Oregon is the other one. (I live in Washington, the state just next door.)

    • says:

      Yeah there is something fantastic about not having to get out of your car in rain, snow, sleet to pump your gas – and ironically it is cheaper there than in the midwest. Of course, the refineries are all along the east coast so that helps.

  5. Kath says:

    just sitting here in jersey… waiting.

    • says:

      I love you already.

  6. I’m sure I would have lost it on the elitist neighbour.

    • says:

      I gave a pass one time but I don’t think I could have the second.

  7. What? You let the lawn care guy have all the fun!!!! I LIVE for neighbors like this!

    • says:

      Oh I wish wish I was at home when this happened, I always miss the good stuff.

  8. I have neighbors like this. They are indeed assholes. We’ve got a neighborhood email list, and there are frequent rants about leaf blowers and yard debris piles and garbage cans left out too long and lawn mowers running too late. Seriously, people, if that’s the worst thing going on in your life, give thanks and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    I’m so happy for you that he’s moving.

    • says:

      Wait – do you live in my neighborhood? Cause that sounds just like our email list. I may do a dance on my driveway while toasting the moving truck as it pulls away.

  9. Mandi says:

    I love that the gentleman who mows your lawn remowed (I know it’s not a word) your backyard. I get so sick of people like your neighbor. What is he teaching his kid? And we wonder why there are so many entitled teenagers…

    • says:

      I couldn’t agree more, I loved that he redid the whole back yard too! And yes, what is he teaching his kid? What an asshole.

      • Mandi says:

        Total asshole elitist for sure.

        • says:

          Yup, he is.

  10. Roshni says:

    I would have LOVED to have witnessed this!! Ha! Great retort by lawn person!!!

    • says:

      Me too! It was a fantastic response that was well deserved.

  11. GAWD I love it! My elitist asshole neighbors are in prison now, but instead of getting up in my business, they avoided everyone in the ‘hood. Now we know why. Props to your lawn guy. No one should ever talk to people that way.

    • says:

      I agree it is never ok to talk to anyone this way – I have done all sorts of jobs and have met my fair share of pricks, this one is one of the top. I love that your neighbors are in prison now!! That’s fantastic – paybacks are definitely a bitch.

  12. I am so glad he is moving. I hope you get down to earth nice neighbors.
    Umm yes New Jersey will spit him out.
    I was watching one of those crime channels last night and they had a marathon on of bad neighbor incidents that escalated to arson and murder. I have a creepy neighbor so of course I had nightmares.

    • says:

      We had one neighbor we seriously thought had bodies in his basement. He lost his job when he brought a gun to work, shocking right?! I hope NJ does spit him out, such a jerk.

  13. Keirsten says:

    Wellllll……. I can only hope that a dude like
    ” Carl Spackler” has their potential neighbors’
    Lawn and snow gigs!!!!

    • says:

      God I hope so.

  14. Oh, did somebody say they needed the New Jersey Welcoming Committee? I’m the President, and I’ve got a plate of cookies, a set of brass knuckles, and a smile.

    • says:

      Yes I would like to order the Neighborly Plate of Goodness please! Thank you very much.

  15. Just checking with my attorney to see if I can start blogging about MY asshole neighbors. The one who leaves for work at 4:30 a.m. and revs up his small penis modified racing muffler on his girly Honda Civic. Vroom vroom and has woken us up for months and tells us “just deal with it” when we tried to NICELY let him know it wakes us up. Yeah, that just got my bp up again. Great story, I totally sympathize with you.

    • says:

      What in the hell! Who owns a modified Honda Civic?! What a tool.

  16. what a DICK. I love to see people like that get shit on in the end. And by the end I mean NJ. Here’s to hoping he has his own dickhead neighbor to contend with there!

    • says:

      Chances are good that he will, and I can only hope it happens.

  17. Jackass! I’m glad he got an earful from your lawn guy. Karma’s a bitch, dude and something tells me she might live in New Jersey….

    • says:

      If there were ever a place, I say the Garden State is the spot.

  18. Phil says:

    Personally, I would have told him to go fuck himself whether his son was there are not. No reason you can’t mow a lawn at 7pm. He is not just an elitist he also sounds like a bully and intimidator.

    I would never treat a lawn care person, or anyone in a labor job like that. They work hard for a living, just like we all do. I’m friendly to the guy who delivers my food at night, to the person who cleans out my waste basket at the office. We are all human beings. Too bad that jerk forgot about that.

    You’re better than me. I would have went off on that douche!

    • says:

      Oh had I been home shit would have gotten real. I treat all people the same, and actually find myself being kinder to those that are in service and labor industries because I did that at one point in my life and know the realities they face.

  19. Teri says:

    Sadly you won’t know what happens to him when he moves to NJ until you read about his elitist ass being found in the Delaware River one cloudy morning with a Wawa coffee cup in one hand and a NJ Transit bus pass shoved up his ass.

    • says:

      I love you Teri.

  20. I’m w/ Teri. What a jerk.

    • says:

      They seem to flock to me, I am surrounded by assholes – but this one takes the cake.

  21. Stephanie L. says:

    Teri does know how to say it right one! What a prick of a neighbor you have! I’ve got one elitist prick neighbor…he liked to talk down to the Muslim family at our community pool…until I happened to be there one day when he started in…and I lost it on him…unfortunately some people just don’t GET IT so my words were likely lost on him period. i’ve noticed that he will turn the other way now when he sees me…and I LOVE that!

    • says:

      Oh I am sure he got it, he just didn’t want to hear it. Asshat. I am glad you stood up for that family, often times people just stand and watch it unfold – silence to me is like accepting the behavior as normal. I keep waiting to see my neighbor to say something to me, he luckily hasn’t been home but fingers crossed this weekend works out;)

  22. boss mcfukyou says:

    well sometimes us “Elitist Asshole Neighbor”have to do something..somehow we have managed to live next door to you…there is no BOSS or OWNER or CEO neighborhood (trust me we would be there)..we employ you people, we run the districts, run the store, run the county, we pay extra taxes to have YOU work for us….we deal with all the bs call ins and lies and bull the “my kid has this, i have to go”…… when we get home..we do NOT want to deal with working class slackers who cant follow rules anymore…..we delt with you all fricking day… keep it up, this is why noone cares about the working class…. and from our point of are even more worthless…

    • To bad you are a complete moron and don’t realize the idiot next store actually worked for my husband, not the other way around.