Hi, my name is Alyson and I hate pumpkin flavored everything. It feels good to finally get that off my chest. I realize I am in the minority, so I make my announcement while ducking for cover from the pumpkin that will surely be whipped my way.
When did America turn into the land of pumpkin? The excitement and zest that has driven every company to imbibe every possible product with pumpkin flavoring is nothing short of astounding. There are pumpkin candles, cookies, drinks, ice cream, you name it some how there is pumpkin in it. How have we not reached a pumpkin shortage? Please can we have a shortage, because this shit is out of control. Enough with all the damn pumpkin shit.
I have made the effort to cull some of my most despised pumpkin options for your enjoyment.
- Pumpkin Pie Soda – I love the effervescence of a just opened soda, but adding pumpkin flavoring to it is just wrong. I am sure they are packaging this as four bottles, instead of the standard six bottles, since no one would ever want more than a few of these disgusting sounding drinks.
- Pumpkin Spiced Marshmallows – What a perfect way to ruin a good s’more.
- Pumpkin Spiced Fettucini – That’s one way to get me to not eat my most favorite meal. Rossi® Pasta has my favorite carbohydrate infused with pumpkin, ginger, nutmeg, and other spices to achieve their “most unique creation that captures the familiar color and flavor of autumn.” Gag.
- Jiff Whipped Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Spice – I LOVE Peanut Butter, serisously PB and (almost) anything in my mind is good….but pumpkin and peanut butter. No, just no.
- Pumpkin Extra Gum – How is this something that sells? I like to use a piece of gum to freshen up my breath not make me feel like I just licked a Yankee Candle.
- Lookato Steamed Pumpkin Rice – I can’t even imagine having my dinner served over pumpkin flavored rice. How about you just save that for throwing at the Bride and Groom who get married in October instead.
- Pumpkin Spice Seltzer – Maybe add this to your Pumpkin Spiced Vodka, it will be like having Thanksgiving in a glass!
- Pumpkin Spice Pringles – Nothing says I have a potato chip problem then eating a container of chips flavored in fake orangey spices. I’ll stick to licking the Doritos cheese off my fingers thank you very much.
- Pumpkin Spice Milk – Is this to help bridge yourself to the onset of eggnog season? There is not enough Kahlua in the world to make this viable.
- Gnarly Whale™ Pumpkin Beach Waves – Yes when I think of the beachy waves that I love in my hair I can’t shake that feeling that it is missing something…enter the hair spray that gives you that fresh from the pumpkin patch/ocean look.
- Burts Bees Pumpkin Spice Lip Balm – For those that love pumpkin so much they want to coat their lips in this autumny awesomeness. I can honestly see my kid eating this when she was little. She loved the flavored lip balms and was often found noshing away on them, now just the dog eats them. I bet Bear would love this flavor.
- Hershey Kisses Pumpkin Spice – I think the Amazon reviewer RG sums this up just about perfect, “Mother of GOD these are heinous!” RG’s review went on to make my day with this little nugget of love,
“When I unwrapped one I was a little worried when they smelled weird, like plastic Chai. I ate one and it was like eating a creamy Tums. Dear, sweet, god, how did they manage to make it so BAD? There is a bizarre aftertaste of cloves and some of the pumpkin pie spices, but i couldn’t taste any pumpkin. How did they manage to make chalky filling? How do you get “chalky” out of pumpkin flavor? These are so bad that I am afraid that these leaked out of the CIA test kitchen and they are using these in enhanced interrogations. I weep for my country. There is not even any chocolate in these, just sadness and broken dreams.”
It really is just sadness and broken dreams RG, it really is. Besides we should all be preparing for the most hallowed of all holiday flavors – peppermint. Now that’s some good shit.