Enough with the Pumpkin Shit!

Hi, my name is Alyson and I hate pumpkin flavored everything. It feels good to finally get that off my chest. I realize I am in the minority, so I make my announcement while ducking for cover from the pumpkin that will surely be whipped my way.

When did America turn into the land of pumpkin? The excitement and zest that has driven every company to imbibe every possible product with pumpkin flavoring is nothing short of astounding. There are pumpkin candles, cookies, drinks, ice cream, you name it some how there is pumpkin in it. How have we not reached a pumpkin shortage? Please can we have a shortage, because this shit is out of control. Enough with all the damn pumpkin shit.

I have made the effort to cull some of my most despised pumpkin options for your enjoyment.

  1. Pumpkin Pie Soda – I love the effervescence of a just opened soda, but adding pumpkin flavoring to it is just wrong. I am sure they are packaging this as four bottles, instead of the standard six bottles, since no one would ever want more than a few of these disgusting sounding drinks.Pumpkin-Pie-4-packFNL-268x300
  2. Pumpkin Spiced Marshmallows – What a perfect way to ruin a good s’more.
  3. Pumpkin Spiced Fettucini – That’s one way to get me to not eat my most favorite meal. Rossi® Pasta has my favorite carbohydrate infused with pumpkin, ginger, nutmeg, and other spices to achieve their “most unique creation that captures the familiar color and flavor of autumn.” Gag.
  4. Jiff Whipped Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Spice – I LOVE Peanut Butter, serisously PB and (almost) anything in my mind is good….but pumpkin and peanut butter. No, just no. ProdAdminImage.ashx
  5. Pumpkin Extra Gum – How is this something that sells? I like to use a piece of gum to freshen up my breath not make me feel like I just licked a Yankee Candle. extra-pumpkin-spice-de-del0814
  6. Lookato Steamed Pumpkin Rice – I can’t even imagine having my dinner served over pumpkin flavored rice. How about you just save that for throwing at the Bride and Groom who get married in October instead.
  7. Pumpkin Spice Seltzer – Maybe add this to your Pumpkin Spiced Vodka, it will be like having Thanksgiving in a glass!
  8. Pumpkin Spice Pringles – Nothing says I have a potato chip problem then eating a container of chips flavored in fake orangey spices. I’ll stick to licking the Doritos cheese off my fingers thank you very much.
  9. Pumpkin Spice Milk – Is this to help bridge yourself to the onset of eggnog season? There is not enough Kahlua in the world to make this viable.232px-Silk_pumpkin_spice_soymilk_flickr_user_theimpulsivebuy
  10. Gnarly Whale™ Pumpkin Beach Waves – Yes when I think of the beachy waves that I love in my hair I can’t shake that feeling that it is missing something…enter the hair spray that gives you that fresh from the pumpkin patch/ocean look. pumpkin-beauty-products-gnarly-whale-w540
  11. Burts Bees Pumpkin Spice Lip Balm – For those that love pumpkin so much they want to coat their lips in this autumny awesomeness. I can honestly see my kid eating this when she was little. She loved the flavored lip balms and was often found noshing away on them, now just the dog eats them. I bet Bear would love this flavor.
  12. Hershey Kisses Pumpkin Spice – I think the Amazon reviewer RG sums this up just about perfect, “Mother of GOD these are heinous!” RG’s review went on to make my day with this little nugget of love,

“When I unwrapped one I was a little worried when they smelled weird, like plastic Chai. I ate one and it was like eating a creamy Tums. Dear, sweet, god, how did they manage to make it so BAD? There is a bizarre aftertaste of cloves and some of the pumpkin pie spices, but i couldn’t taste any pumpkin. How did they manage to make chalky filling? How do you get “chalky” out of pumpkin flavor? These are so bad that I am afraid that these leaked out of the CIA test kitchen and they are using these in enhanced interrogations. I weep for my country. There is not even any chocolate in these, just sadness and broken dreams.”pumpkin kisses

It really is just sadness and broken dreams RG, it really is. Besides we should all be preparing for the most hallowed of all holiday flavors – peppermint. Now that’s some good shit.

PumpkinShit

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Comments

  1. I think I’m going to wait until the Candy Cane Kisses come out closer to Christmas and pass on the Pumpkin Spice ones. Though I’ve got to wonder with the way stores are rushing to get that holiday spending started if the Candy Cane ones aren’t already out.

  2. Abby says:

    Because I have issues, I get annoyed any time anyone makes a big huge deal over something that’s not a big huge deal and we’re forced to experience the oversaturation of that crap. Enter…pumpkin (and a bunch of other things.) I don’t mind it in general, but usually only put it in my oatmeal or breads and guess what? YOU CAN DO THAT ALL YEAR! Craziness! I will not be buying pumpkin perfume, pumpkin gum or pumpkin spice Xanax because quite frankly, it’s become the Miley Cyrus of vegetables. Too much, people. Too much.

    • Even a pumpkin spiced xanax couldn’t lure me to the dark side. Miley Cyrus of vegetables (BTW it’s a fruit)…favorite line.

      • Abby says:

        Fruit, veggie–being a stupid vegan, I should know this and I did. Sorry. It’s Monday. Carry on.

        • I only knew that bc I thought it was a gourd and looked it up…where google bitch slapped me and said no fruit idiot.

  3. I posted on FB once that I’d seen a can of pumpkin at the grocery store that said, “Now with MORE pumpkin flavor!” So we’re buying pumpkin flavored pumpkin now?

    I didn’t really see it, but I wouldn’t put it past those pumpkin bastards.

  4. Steph says:

    I am happy to report that I have never tried anything pumpkin, nor do I plan too. Pumpkins are for carving, not eating.

  5. Oh no, no, no, no, no! Pumpkin fettucini? That’s just so wrong.

    • Kadie says:

      But the pumpkin pie blizzard at DQ? YUMMMMMM. Admittedly, I’m a pumpkin lover (all year round) – in sweets and in a few savory things, but mostly in sweets … Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes with CInnamon Cream Cheese Frosting? I actually don’t like the pumpkin spice lattes or “chocolates” (seriously, Hershey’s, that’s not chocolate, that’s pumpkin flavored ass nuggets!).

      • Well almost everything at DQ is YUMMMM!! Pumpkin flavored ass nuggets! OMG that’s awesome.

    • My grandmother is rolling over in her grave about that – you don’t fuck with the pasta.

  6. Helene Cohen Bludman says:

    Wrong. So wrong. And pumpkin gum, too??

  7. I love some pumpkin stuff but wow is it ever out of control. Overload for sure!

    • It use to be that I was excited on Thanksgiving day because that was the one time a year the pumpkin train pulled into the station. Now it appears to be permanently parked.

  8. I am so with you on this. I like a little pumpkin pie exactly twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas of course). Pumpkin should be banned as a flavor on all other days of the year.

  9. Now I won’t write my blog about pumpkin everything because you did it so well. Pumpkins are good for carving for Halloween, end of story!

    • Oh please write it!! We need to unite on this crap bc it is overtaking the universe!

      • Jenny says:

        Pumpkin Haters Anon? I’m there – sign me up! And add Roasted pumpkin seeds to the mix. Though seriously, who has the time to roast any seeds, let alone pumpkin.

  10. Ewww – pumpkin flavour gum! That is so gross. In fact, I’m with you on the whole list! I don’t think we get all that stuff here, but I am gonna be looking out for it now. The pumpkin invasion!

  11. Maybe all of this pumpkin crap could be used as a torture method of some sort…….”clean your room or all you will get for a snack is pumpkin flavoured pumpkin and pumpkin hershey kisses”! Now, I occasionally make a pumpkin chocolate cheesecake…..but that is only to appease my husband rather than having to attempt to make a nasty pumpkin pie……….yuck.

    • I like pumpkin pie, one tiny slice and then I am good for another year. Can’t do any of the other pumpkin crap. The sacrifices you make for your hubs should get you a trip to vegas. Does he even know how good he has it?!

  12. Liz says:

    I have to admit I’m part of the problem. I like those pumpkin kisses. Pumpkin chai and pumpkin lattes: sign me up. I’ve been looking for those “limited edition” pumpkin oreos too. And I don’t even care for the suffering it’s brought to the world. I am that person. I’m not proud. But I might be if I weren’t preoccupied w/ all things pumpkin. At least I wouldn’t put it past me.

    • So you’re the one! I knew I had to know someone that was in love with all things pumpkin. Please tell me you love peppermint just as much…please….

  13. I agree with the Pumpkin silk shit – that stuff should be outlawed. Don’t even start me on their egg nog version.
    I’m all for a good candle or pie but when you start mixing into peanut butter? I call bullshit.

  14. Uh… Pumpkin spiced is not even pumpkin. It’s cloves and nutmeg and cinnamon and all that other good stuff. Pumpkin? Blechk. Spice? Yay!

  15. Don says:

    Have you ever grabbed a pumpkin and couldn’t wait to get it home so you could eat it? No, of course not! They’re fucking terrible!!

    Is all this pumpkin crap really infused with pumpkin taste or is it pumpkin pie stuff? I’ve never tasted pumpkin pie in my life because, pumpkin. Is it any good? I fear I’m missing something like I was with cheesecake. I didn’t eat cheesecake until I turned 30 because, cheese??? Whatever. I can actually drink one or two pumpkin flavored beers from certain breweries, but that’s only because I’m getting drunk, not because I likes me some pumpkin. so gross.

  16. Bleah! I thought I was the only pumpkin hater. Besides pumpkin I’m not very fond of cinnamon so it’s a double whammy for me. We’re not safe from the pumpkin spice anywhere these days. I can’t wait for Christmas stuff-come-on peppermint and hot chocolate!

    • I do like cinnamon but not like this! Shit is out of control, pumpkin everywhere. I’m with ya, bring on the peppermint!

  17. That Amazon review is amazing. I need to find something in this life that I feel so passionately about.

  18. Lori says:

    Most of those things sound gross. Except maybe the milk cause that might be good in my coffee. Don’t hate me. I do like pumpkin flavored things, but I think they go too far with it. Soda? Gum? Noodles?? That’s just weird.

  19. Pumpkin coming out of my ears! I only want to see it on Thanksgiving.

  20. Phil says:

    I so agree mainly because most of it tastes like pumpkin crap! I do like pumpkin pie, and some pumpkin beers, but this obsession borders on crazy. This trend must be stopped!

  21. I am 1000000% with you on this. Last year, I found pumpkin-flavored dog treats about about lost my shit. I truly do not understand the craze. Sure, I like a few baked goods if they’re made with REAL pumpkin. But the rest of it makes me gag. In fact, the gum made me throw up a little.

    • My dogs would eat those, of course they eat shit too. Problem is they would then shit all over from them.

  22. Lorien says:

    I happen to like pumpkin but some of that shit is just badonculous! Oh, holy hell – pumpkin pie SODA!? Gum!!?? Kisses!!!??? No. Just, NO. I’ll take my pumpkins in a pie, in a stew, or as roasted seeds as nature intended. Maybe the occasional candle…
    I loved that Amazon review. George Takei shares those all the time on FB (his page and his OhMy! page) and I nearly bust a gut laughing at those. I’m wondering who gets paid to write that stuff as most of them are extremely well-written (like the one you shared) and all kinds of funny. I want THAT job! 🙂

    • I couldn’t help but include the review bc seriously that guy knocked it out of the park! I am with ya…pie, roasted seeds, that’s about it.

  23. I hear ya! I don’t like pumpkin spice anything which would probably explain why I had no idea most of this stuff existed. It all sounds pretty gross to me.

  24. kelly says:

    you are not alone. it is gross. all of it. fucking gross.

  25. Dave says:

    My 16yo daughter agrees with you…and now I’m worried that her pack of White Girls will turn on her and beat her with Starbuck’s environmentally-friendly, all-natural, stir sticks.

    And then there’s this:
    http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/pumpkin-spice-girl.jpg

  26. Phil says:

    I am with you on this, but I will admit that the Pumking Beer by Souther Tier is delish!

    I do draw the line at Pumpkin Spice condoms though!

    http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/201488/rs_600x600-140908144723-600.Pumpkin-Spice-Sondom.ms.090814.jpg

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