Enough With the F*cking Snack Bags!

Snack Bag Hell

This post will undoubtedly get me on some ‘She Never Should Have Had Kids’ list but truthfully I don’t give a fuck. Something needs to be said, and I am more than happy to be the one to say it. And for those who think I should never have had kids you can shove it, my kids are loved and lead an idyllic life – one I could only have dreamed of living when I was a kid. But I am willing to take the heat for a very important topic that needs to be addressed…the fucking after competition/sporting event snack bag.

This is scourge of all normal parents.

Please lord tell me WHY little Susye MUST have a snack after she has played an hour of soccer? Is she gonna starve to death? Did she burn 10,000 calories picking up the dandelions on the field instead of actually participating? Do I need another thing to buy, divide, decorate, and distribute to kids that are not my own? Or maybe I just need another way to shit out an extra $30?

Before you say this is new to me, everyone loves the snack bag. I say bullshit. I KNOW for a fact I am not the only adult hating on the snack bag.

Every sporting activity my kids have done has a rotation which requires each parent to bring a snack and drink for the players. I would get it if they were playing in a tournament for hours, missing a meal. But I’m not talking about that. No I’m referencing the basketball game on Saturday morning that lasts 45 minutes – snack required. Or the soccer game that is an hour – snack required. Little Jacksin’s hockey game that takes an hour – snack required, or Rebekah’s t-ball game which is over in five innings – snack required. There is zero need for these kids to get a snack for an activity that takes as long as watching two cartoons. Shit when they are younger the entire roster gets a chance to play, so it’s not like your Super Star is out there 100% of the time – but even if they were…they do not need a fucking snack.

And then there are snack requirements. They must be healthy (like any kid wants to bite into the fresh apple you brought) and be allergen free (I totally get this so don’t think I am picking on the allergy kids). No kid wants a cheese stick when he’s done shooting hoops. And don’t forget your snack bag masterpiece is being critiqued as well, not just by the parents, but by the kids.

This is most noticeable in the girl world, the boy world barely even registers the snack bag contents. Luckily I have one of each so I watch the dynamic unfold. You can bet your ass there is at least one little girl that has an opinion of the bags and her mother has played heavily into her ways. I have witnessed children scoffing at the carefully prepared healthy snack a parent brings because it is ‘Gross’! Seriously that kid needs to have her snack taken from her and pointed to the water fountain instead. To be fair I have had the rogue boy complain to me about the snack, to which I typically enjoy a one liner at his expense. It’s all fair in snack war. Game on little dude.

I can’t help but wonder who started this shit? And please tell me WHY? Can little Bobbye not make it through the game without knowing that there is a special bag of healthiness he will undoubtedly throw away?

And DON’T get me started on the gift bags at major competition events. My daughter does gymnastics, and this year we incorporated a snack bag for the girls after their meets. Full disclosure, their meets are normally about four hours long and they miss a meal during the events. I fully endorse plying them with something to nibble on while they wait the hour for the award ceremony to finish. You know where Ellah gets her fourth first place (sweeping all events) annihilating the next closest contender by three points, proving she really should be competing a level up (yes I’m looking at you girl who got a 9.9 on vault).

But I gotta say our gym is a bit of an outlier. I see other gyms come in with quite a load of goodies for the girls. There is some serious snacking shit and GIFTS…for a sport that costs a shitload of money already! And the bags are fucking decorated as if the Queen’s kid was participating. The best, is when little Myrandah (please don’t forget the ‘h’ it upsets her Mom) throws out her entire gift bag with nary a look at the time and effort put into it, we won’t even discuss the cost. Yup, she grabbed her Twizzlers out and decided all of the other chotchkie shit was not even worth the effort to remove. How about saying thank you and putting the snack bag away to be tossed at home when no one is looking? Like a polite ungrateful child.

And Dear Parent who spent more than five minutes on the snack bag please let me know your address because if you have that much free time I would love to send my kids to your house. I’m sure someone will say, “But I just LOVE doing this for my little Annibellah, she LOVES to see what I put together.” This is probably the kid that will go to buy her first home and require granite in the kitchen when she should go for the damn formica and be HAPPY cause it’s yours (I really gotta stop watching House Hunters).

Must we regress to the olden days? A time of neon, feathered hair, and other fashion disasters. When kids had to do chores and homework by themselves? When the only snack option was your dinner? Raise your hand if you got a fucking snack bag after your sporting events and you were raised in the 1980’s or before. Yeah I thought so, not a damn hand up anywhere. You know what, we all lived. No one died of hunger. No one passed out from malnutrition. And guess what, there was a snack shed at most events raising money for the schools or leagues. You know what you got if you won, a treat or a pat on the back. If you lost you got nothing. It’s called motivation, it’s called life, it’s called not everyone gets something all the time. And yes little Mary did get Hawaiian Punch and I got nothing, and look how normal I am.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Amen sister! I refuse to subscribe to this BULLSHIT.
    I don’t even do party bags for school birthday parties… I know, I’m shocking.

  2. Noelle says:

    Let me just say…back in my day, we had orange slices at half time and we drank water in thermoses that came from the tap! GASP.
    For basketball there was a halftime snack person and a after game snack person and the game was 40 minutes! They ate more calories than the burned!
    You know how I feel about snacks. If you don’t, you should read this book I’m in that is coming out on April 7. 🙂

  3. Becca says:

    I think I just fell in love with you… I say, if you want your kid to have a snack, then bring it for your kid. Be responsible for your child only… but God forbid if any child doesn’t get their goldfish crackers and Gatorade to replenish all of their electrolytes they surely used by kicking the infield dirt around and wearing their glove on their head for an hour at a t-ball game! My girls play softball and although we don’t do snack bags, we do have to give money to make sure that every child on the team gets a ticket that is worth a dollar to use at the concession stand after every single game they play. It’s ridiculous. I fill up a water bottle for my kids with **GASP** water for them to drink during practice or a game. I am not influenced by Powerade or Gatorade for an 8 year old to play softball for an hour. It’s ridiculous and yes, as someone else wrote in their comment, the word “entitled” strongly comes to mind about kids these days.

  4. Totally admit to hating the snack bags and am THRILLED that my kids are old enough now to buy their own fucking snacks instead of me packing them. Straw that broke the camel’s back was last year (my kid’s freshman year) we STILL did snack for the JV team (I don’t get it either). I packed small water bottles, chips, grapes and Hershey’s miniatures. It was so fucking hot in the unairconditioned gym that by the end of the JV game, the chocolate had melted all over the bottom of the bag (I didn’t know the gym was 3 degrees cooler than the depths of hell). Total suckage and I quit after that.

  5. Phil says:

    This is AWESOME! I am a child of the 80’s and we never got a snack! That after playing outside all day long, riding a bike for hours (without a dumb helmet and knee pads) , playing sports, mowing the lawn and chores, among everything else. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That was it. If I wanted a snack I had to fend for myself.

    All these damn self – important helicopter parents are doing is bringing up a pussified spoiled generation of kids. Waahhhh, where’s my snack? Waahhhhh, the other kids have better snacks. STFU!

    And yes, I ate tons of peanuts and peanut butter and gluten products. Don’t even get me started on this BS topic that every parent has to be a part of this cult nowadays. And yes, I had allergies too. Guess what? I grew out of them like most kids do.

  6. We used to get a treat after games, but it was usually junk food. I have no idea why we’d get the treat when we would go home and eat lunch 15 minutes later! But I enjoyed it as a kid! It was usually a Hostess or Little Debbie treat. And we got sliced oranges at half time. I liked it when I was a kid. But you’re right, it makes little or no sense.

  7. Jana says:

    When I saw the title of your post, I was all, “Why is she hating on the Ziploc snack bags? They are so handy when I want to just take a handful of pretzels or cheesy-puffs to work! Just the right size!” But now I have been enlightened and must agree with you. Back in my day (I can say that because I’m super old) we would take oranges and throw them at the kids. If they caught it, they got to eat — if not, they just got a knot on their head. PS — my favorite part of your post were the kid’s names! You hit that douchebaggery right on the head and it had me laughing!

    • Phil says:

      Douchebaggry is the perfect word for this subject, and the parents who push it on everyone.

    • Ha! Thank you – the names drive me nuts too. Can we please stop adding a fucking ‘y’ or ‘h’ to every damn name?! Snack bags are good, except when you think you only want a little and get carried away and then they don’t close forcing me to eat my snack hours before I intended to, not that I have done that before.

  8. Tom F says:

    Not being a parent I sometimes feel unqualified to comment on such matters. However, I was a kid once, so that will have to server as my “street cred”.

    This snack thing is new to me. When I was a kid it was….” here’s a bat, a ball and a glove, now go find some other kids to play a game.”. I remember fondly of the hours and hours I spent playing hockey when the pond froze in the winter. I’d play from 10:00 AM until the neighbors turned off their floodlights that illuminated the ice rink I created by shoveling off the snow. If I made the mile long walk back to my house for lunch it was a rarity.

    A friend of mine who has three boys once commented that we are raising a nation of children with no imagination. They get driven to their “organized” soccer game, then to their “organized” cub scout meeting, then to their “organized” group music lesson. When do they have time to make up their own entertainment….. wander through the woods….. explore new places on their bikes?

    What happens when those “organized events” go away?

    • Yup – we went to the beach every day, ran wild, played all over town, rode our bikes miles and miles…all without parental supervision! Yeah, my kids are screwed because I am a full believe in finding your own fun. I just told Jake I’m not his short order cook, and often tell Jill I am not the Entertainment Director. They’ve since stopped asking me for things. It’s really best this way.

      As for what happens when the events go away, well then they grow up and are perpetually unhappy and unable to think outside of the box.

  9. Tina says:

    My sons have always been on little league baseball teams and it is a pain. One, my boys really don’t need more junk food. Trust me. they already get more than enough elsewhere. Then it never fails, there is always the child who is allergic to chocolate, the one that is allergic to gluten, and then another who is allergic to peanuts. Next is the fact that there are always 13-14 kids on the teams and most snacks are sold as 10-12 in a box. So now you have to buy double of everything and the leftovers end up back in my house where inevitably I end up eating it and trust me when I say my butt doesn’t need to consume any junk what so ever!

    So I applaud your taking a stand and I’m willing to shield you if necessary from the parents who insist the treats are necessary.

  10. Carey says:

    I’m absolutely against junk food or unhealthy crap after a game. The healthy snacks though – specifically protein based like a cheese stick or yogurt (though an apple or banana are also a good choice) are absolutely something you should have after exercising for 45 mins (and ideally you eat them within a half hour to hour after finishing your exercise). They provide the essential nutrients you need to repair your muscles, keep your metabolism going and help develop a healthy body. I’m all for teaching kids this at a young age to set them up for a healthy future. I’m also a parent who wouldn’t mind covering more than one week of snack (or the whole season if needs be) if another parent couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. I don’t see it as an inconvenience so long as I know ahead of time.

  11. Inger says:

    Will you run for President? I was just saying HOW dumb this was to another parent. They don’t need a crappy snack after playing an hour. What happened to going to Dairy Queen (all in the bed of a pick-up truck—nope…illegal) after WINNING a game only? This is so out of hand.

    I also hate to give birthday gift bags for the guests of a party? Didn’t I just spend $300 on a party you were invited to come and have fun at for my kid’s birthday? Why do we need to hand out gift bags??

    • I think my past my kill my chances, but damn would I love to give it a whirl. I LOATHE the gift bags at parties.

  12. dave says:

    The snack bag goes with the “little Janniee stared at ants for 6 innings every single fucking game participation” trophy.