Holiday Party Don’ts

December brings more than just frigid air and thoughts of sugar plums. It brings the office holiday party. Over the years this event has been scaled down – from catered extravaganza’s to pot lucks or complete eradication. I myself have only attended a few – and they were when times were booming. Since the financial meltdown these required holiday disasters have fallen out of style. But if you are unfortunate enough to have to attend one here are some good things to keep in mind based upon my own experiences over the years.

1) Dress appropriately – This seems like a no brainer, but so does business casual and people still show up to work in workout clothes. So here is a little advice, make sure everything is tucked in (boobs and ass), your skirt or dress touches your knee, and nothing curves your body so closely a paperclip wouldn’t fit. Men you pretty much can’t go wrong with a pair of khaki’s and a collared shirt. Seriously if you fuck this up you are a moron.

2) Libations – Just don’t. People will remember even 15 years later if you, or your spouse, were professing their slurred love for everyone. If you must, have one drink but do not ever exceed two.

3) Show up with stitches in your nose – Although it shows your determination to make it through the event, it looks a lot like you were beat up by your +1. And as awesome as your story is realize that no one will believe it. It is best to stay home, you get a pass for any facial lacerations requiring medical intervention. (This was me BTW – see below for the story because inquiring minds wanted to know).

4) Food – Snack before your arrival. This always helps so that you are not attacking the hors ‘derves like you haven’t seen a mini hotdog wrapped in bacon in your life. Also, upon entering a room you will need to interact with others. This is not the time to chomp away on shrimp cocktail proceeding to rip the tail off in the middle of a conversation with your companies VP. And whatever you do – do not talk with your mouth full! 

5) Dancing – Unless you are a ‘Dances With the Stars’ caliber dancer do not ever think of taking to the dance floor. This is the shit that Youtube videos are made for.  You will regret it within the first minute you step into your office on Monday morning when it is being shown on repeat.

6) Bring a date – Going solo will show you are independent, besides then you can leave early claiming to have a date, but you really didn’t want to miss this important event. This rule is especially true if your date is a lot like a Duck Dynasty character. Leave the date at home.

7) Ask for ketchup with a filet – When at a fancy restaurant there is the high possibility that ketchup is not even on the menu. This will result in your very nice waitress running out to her car to get McDonald ketchup packets and squeeze them into a ramekin for you. Your spouse may look at you like he is ready to kill. (This one may be me too).

8) Attend if your spouse just found out you were having an affair – This creates an awkward vibe for the entire room. Even if you don’t think others know, I can assure at least one person in the room knows. Even worse if the affair was with a co-worker. (yes this happened – NOT me!!)

Best of luck at the corporate event this year, damn am I psyched I don’t have to go to one!

 HolidayParty

 

The whole story for #3 – I was 21 and had gone out for a night of heavy drinking (hey at least I was legal). Upon returning home my roommates and I went next door (we lived in a town house) to visit with friends. They had a large rottweiler/rhodesian ridgeback dog that was a total asshole. I was sitting on the floor eating a pretzel rod and she lunged at me for the food – she missed the food and got me in the nose with her paw instead. Took 13 stitches – top to bottom splayed open. I had to wait for my boyfriend to get off of work (bar tender) to take me to the hospital to get the stitches, so of course I continued to just drink. The hospital refused to give me anything to numb the pain and just stitched me right up – good news barely felt it at all. Bad news – scar down my nose. Best news – awesome story. The Corporate Party was the next night.

 

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Comments

  1. Rhonda says:

    Ah. Timely. Husbands party is Friday. I may need to have several drinks before attending though 😉

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Always ok to have a few before – but upon arrival keep it in check. People will just think you are super friendly all the time.

      • Rhonda says:

        Awesome! I’ve never been the friendly one before.

  2. Good advice. I don’t dance. I’m terrible at it. Actually, I think there might even be a court order in place preventing me from trying ever again. On the other hand, I can hold my liquor very well so there’s little chance of me making a drunken fool of myself off the dance floor. Plus, the staff party where I work is employees only so no worries about my wife getting into trouble (she does not hold her liquor well).

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Oh I wish I could hold my liquor well…it’s not pretty. My hubs has only an office party now for lunch that is employees only – perfection.

  3. Julie says:

    A very VERY good list. Since I tend to overindulge when it comes to alcohol, I pretty strictly follow #2. I work at a small company and we often go out for lunch, some of the guys will have a beer. Not me. Iced tea, or coke. and it took a while to learn, thankfully I am old now, and I know better.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Right there with ya, I can not only have 1 beer so it’s best to just go with an Ice T.

  4. Allie says:

    Love #3! Although it would be so badass. Imagine all the different stories you could make up?
    I may need to pass these pointers on to a few friends…
    I’ll thank you, on their behalf, in advance!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Yes facial lacerations are a sure way to be remembered – just not for the right thing.

  5. Rita says:

    Ok, what shit hit your face to resemble lacerations? I need guidelines as to how much redness/dried blood/stitches show before the lacerations need to be covered? I attended my grand daughters 7th birthday where the theme was woodland farries and had a bandage in my nose due to a skin disorder ( shit time for a flare up). I was told the open skin was not too scary. Yeah, right, look at grandma in the pictures in the future…. “What is that shit in her nose?”

  6. Jhanis says:

    Hahahaha Thanks for the tips! #2 came a little late for me though but will keep it in mind for next year 😉

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Doh! Well…fingers crossed someone does it next year and your story will be completely forgotten!

  7. Are you going to share the nose laceration story?? I’m on pins and needles, here!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Hope you enjoyed it:) Never dull.

  8. Dave says:

    I’m guessing you got the nose laceration fighting off a team of ninjas who entered your house, subdued your dogs, and then were going after your beer.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      It’s like you were there. Wait were you?

      • Dave says:

        I’m too big to be a ninja. Fuckin’ maximum height requirements.

        • theshitastrophy.com says:

          total BS – that’s why you would be the best…no one would expect it.

  9. Keirsten says:

    I’m thinking the lacerations stemmed from an over enthusiastic night of
    Beer pong and liars poker?!?!?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Have I not told you this story before?! Beer was involved…no poker though.

  10. This post just reminds me how happy I am that I don’t have to attend those functions anymore. What a nightmare.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      seriously – I haven’t had to go in years…thank god.

  11. I am so glad I don’t have to go these anymore! Did you at least make sure your stitches matched your outfit? Very funny post!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I remember them being black and sticking out all over – and very painful when the alcohol wore off. I can’t remember what I wore but I doubt it mattered – because no one was getting past my nose.

  12. Ah, the company holiday party…I’ve been to several. One year I took my much younger and very hot brother as my “date”. I made a lot of new female friends in the company after that.
    I definately agree with you about limiting alcohol. One drink and I’m oversharing BigTime!

  13. But… But… Free booze and food seem to be the only perks anymore. I always ask my husband to get a good table (meaning no top execs around).

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      true – free booze is always nice…but it’s not really free when all eyes are glued to you. Trust me – my hubs still talks about some guys wife that was loaded at the company party and that was 15 years ago.

  14. Work office parties are the worst. I was always like Milton from “Office Space” waiting for my piece of cake, rolling my eyes and looking at the clock.

  15. Well, I suppose this might not be kosher, but I avoid the whole mess by not attending corporate parties! My excuse is the fact that I work nights, and thus am probably best kept hidden in my coffin before late afternoon.
    Also, I don’t drink, so any horridly socially inept things I do, there is no excuse for!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I have been out of the work force loop for some time – don’t miss them at all. Can’t say I blame you on avoiding them – so awkward the whole thing. No thank you.

  16. These are really thoughtful tips and make me thank God I don’t have to think about them anymore! Back in my 20’s (when I had work parties to attend) I broke all of your rules of non-consumption on the list except for consuming other people’s mates. Now, I just sit around wishing I had a party to go to to break them all again!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Isn’t that the truth!

  17. Phil says:

    Hahahaha! You’ve never been to my office holiday party. Starts around noon for six hours of drinking and even our higher-ups have blenders in their offices, not to mention the after party at a local bar/restaurant that night. Pretty much all these rules get broken!