I started dieting about 6 weeks ago, living on asparagus and salad with a side of chicken, hold the cheese, butter, sauce, and flavor for the rest of my life. I was doing quite well, but then shit hit the fan and there was a family emergency requiring extensive travel. There were copious amounts of pasta and beer ingested, with a daily dose of donuts. I was on survival mode.
But now I’m home and I seem to have continued my off track living – I’m teetering on the edge. Craft beer is again on the menu and I’ve answered the Girl Scout Cookies beckoning me (Hi! Carmel Delights, I’ve missed you). And though I have steered clear of the Doritos, I have enjoyed large quantities of goodies that come in sealed bags. It just happened. I swear.
I never set out with the intention of eating an entire bag of chips. It was only gonna be a few. Just a couple. A nibble if you will. But then something happened and I became chip obsessed. I could think of nothing but the crunchy yumminess of the chip. It wasn’t intentional the whole bag disappeared, poof the bag was gone like a fart that just slipped out.
It’s a gradual process to my chip eating debacle, you can relate…right?
- Remember there is a ‘healthy’ bag of chips in the pantry. Curse whoever beat you to the bag of Apple Chips and ate it without leaving a single trace. I got my eyes on the 10 year old.
- Find a bag of semi-healthy chips, revel in the happiness it hasn’t been eaten.
- Get small bowl out and transfer a respectable handful of chips into the bowl.
- Realize you will not want to get out of your chair to refill the bowl, upgrade to the next size bowl. It’s all about control. I will only eat what is in THIS bowl. I swear.
- Sit down, eat entire bowl in less than five minutes.
- Get up, after denying you want any more for three excruciating minutes, and refill the bowl.
- Spend half a second considering downgrading to smaller bowl, laugh at the possibility.
- Sit with beer and try to ‘pace’ my chip eating. Sip of beer, couple of chips.
- Move chips from table to arm of chair, the closer the better for non-stop chip ingestion.
- Realize you’re shoveling Sea Salt Pita Chips at a gold medal clip.
- Move chips back to table, institute Pintrest distraction technique.
- Ogle decorations for small front porches. Wonder who these ladies are that can turn that into THAT and why am I not friends with someone who can do THAT for me?
- Take sip of beer.
- Realize my chips are sitting just next to my beer.
- Eat chips, move chips back to armrest, drink beer.
- Repeat until bowl and beer are empty.
- Get up for refills, grab bag of chips consider pouring some into bowl but accept that you’re going to eat the whole bag of crunchy awesomeness.
- Grab beer, head back to recliner, sit back with my two vices and think, “tomorrow’s another day.”
So that’s how I’m doing on the diet, you can relate…right?