If I Were A Disney Princess

I know when you think of The Shitastrophy you think – “Total Disney Princess.” I have a lot of the princess qualities – my vocabulary is very refined, I can hold a tune as well as any tone deaf person, animals flock to me, I have long flowing hair that I wear in the same style every day, I love my leggings as much as they love their dresses, and I am perpetually optimistic (not really). But if I had to be just one princess…which one would I be?

  1. Snow White – She runs away from her evil step-mother, which I can totally relate too. I don’t have an evil step mother – but man is my mother difficult to get along with. She takes up residence in the woods with a bunch of little men. Let’s face it those little men are like 7 kids. The two kids I have are already enough for me, so I am giving this a big Fuck No.
  2. Cinderella – She is just way to happy for me. Cindy-rella is busy singing with birds, cooking for everyone, sewing clothes, and cleaning up after those two horrendous bitches and their mother. If I was her I would want to lay those assholes out, or poison them for sure. Clearly I am not Cinderella material.
  3. Sleeping Beauty – She was born into royalty but had a spell cast on her that sentenced her to death (ok not cool at all). She got a reprieve when her spell was changed to eternal sleep until kissed by her true love. Seriously, she gets to SLEEP! Uninterrupted other than a kiss??? Where is the problem here? Sign me the fuck up for this chick. I could totally use an extended nap.
  4. Belle – The bookworm beauty, who is being pursued by the pompous Gaston, is kidnapped by a freakish hairy dude that is in desperate need of a dentist. Well, I love books so there’s that. And seriously, other than the kidnapped part is it all that bad? She is whisked off to a castle where some pretty nice things take care of her (how cute is that Chip?) and she is showered with beautiful dresses. The beast is a little scary, but has a good heart. I always love the guy with a big heart – looks fade, but a heart of gold…well that means something to me. There is potential here.
  5. Ariel – I gotta say I am not a fan of being in the water, even if I am recently scuba certified. I also get cold easily and I don’t think I would be comfortable wearing shells as my main upper body coverage, and post kids I think you would all be better off if I didn’t. This isn’t gonna work.
  6. Mulan – There is no way. She has a level of courage I could never muster. And seriously, all that cold weather? Hell no. And let’s not forget that she had to go to war – against the Huns!! WTF is that? This princess got totally screwed. The only thing the two of us have going is a lack of grace. I bet she would trade with Sleeping Beauty in a second!
  7. Jasmine – Let’s face it, this chick really doesn’t have it too bad either. She is the daughter of a king and has to marry before her next birthday. Seriously, that’s her struggle?! WTF! Sure I mean that sucks and all but it’s not like Mulan who had to go fight against people who were notorious killers! Then she falls for the street kid – Aladdin, the horror. Add in the awesome genie wishes (Hello I dream of Jeannie!), the palace, and the warm weather – where do I sign up?
  8. Tiana – If there is one thing my family will say about me – I hate to cook. It is safe to say that I would never be able to be the Mighty T…

After careful consideration I will take Sleeping Beauty, cause as a mother – I could totally use some sleep. Which would you be?



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  1. Yeah…I gotta say…Sleeping Beauty sounds like a good gig. Sleeping and kissing? I could handle that. And her hair’s always perfect. Or…Mulan. She’s exotic and she has a pug.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      No thanks on Mulan – the freaky Hun dude is too much.

  2. Dee says:

    Merida. Because Dave has a thing for gingers and this chick wears no makeup and shoots things. Totally up my alley.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I have not seen Brave…but I do have to admit the no makeup thing is pretty cool.

  3. Rhonda says:

    Jasmine. For sure. Aladdin is great, and a genie! Can’t get better than that.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      The warmth was totally the thing swaying me with her – the Genie was just a bonus!

  4. Teri says:

    NOT Snow White because I’m always afraid that woodland creatures will have rabies and bite me. NOT Cinderella because I HATE cleaning, and that gig just wouldn’t work. NOT Ariel, because, while I do love to swim, my hair would be so fried from always being in salt water. I’m gonna go with Sleeping Beauty, but the Prince better let me fucking sleep.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Spoken like a true married woman – I agree.

  5. I can’t even imagine myself as a princess on Halloween. I would be closest to the big, evil purple lady in The Little Mermaid, but I’m with you, too cold all the way under water all the time. I think if I HAD to pick one, I’m closest to Megura from Hercules. She was banished to the underworld, and Haydes tried to get her to trick Hercules, but even her cold, sarcastic heart couldn’t resist his clumsy charm. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I can most closely identify with the sarcastic one banned to the Underworld.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I haven’t watched Hercules in some time – but I think I could get behind that one too. Cold and sarcastic — it’s my language of love.

  6. clark says:

    (being from the Y chrome side of the fence, I need to try to parallelicize this:

    lets see:
    Prince Charming maybe but she’s in like, what a gang? 7 guys? nah
    Prince (foot fetish guy) Charming II (yeah, I think this is the same one… or maybe not)
    Alladin: sounds like fun… but don’t know if I could put up with Robin Williams speed-rapping 24/7

    sorry, this scenario is totally a lot of fun… will need to learn the characters first though….

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I think you are on to something – Prince Charming has the best gig in the whole land!!

  7. i was tempted to say belle, but the beast and the false imprisonment and the singing cutlery might get me down. i guess i’ll go with the majority and say sleeping beauty because this princess is tiiiiired. but if the prince tries to wake me i will punch him in his pretty face! 😉

  8. I know nothing of princesses. Seriously, all my knowledge of them came from your post just now. I’ve always been a Tom-Boy, and I only have boys, so even when my niece talks about princesses I just stare at her with a blank face. That being said, based on your breakdown I would HAVE to go with the one who gets to sleep and kiss a prince! Hands down!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      It’s amazing how sleep trumps it all!

  9. Hmm Belle I will go with Belle. I love to read and the wait staff is cool..

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I do love Belle – and she’s a brunette like me.

  10. Pretty and sleep. Done. Sleeping Beauty wins.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Exactly! I didn’t even need the pretty part – that’s like an extra bonus:)

  11. Probably Ariel. Or Belle. Or Ana from Frozen.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I haven’t seen Frozen but my 8yo is in LOVE with it.

  12. Jasmine must be the hottest, because that’s who my husband prefers. What about the “Frozen” chick? Isn’t she all women power?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I haven’t seen Frozen – yes, I am the one person in the country who has somehow missed it. But Jasmine was my runner up.

  13. Sarah says:

    I would be Sleeping Veauty because I love sleep

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Yup – hard to resist the lure of the pillow:) I am right there with ya!

  14. Makensie says:

    Chiming in a little late here, but I’ve got to go with Kida from The Lost City of Atlantis. I mean common; she’s some wicked-sexy, bad-ass, half-naked Goddess that saves the man, saves her city and saves herself… all while keeping up an unnerving sense of charm and serenity. (This is mostly just hopeful thinking… I’m actually not Disney princess material at all. Sign me up for Goofy…)

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I am so far from Disney princess it is astonishing…but I gotta say Kida sounds pretty damn awesome.