In the quest for youth women love to inject shit into their bodies. Throughout the world there are foreheads refusing to move at a hysterical joke, lips that mimic a fish, boobs that could suffocate a person, asses that can have a quarter bounced off of and not from exercise but from collagen. Fat is sucked from all sorts of locales, toes are broken in the quest for tiny feet, thighs are trimmed, and arms are tightened. The list is limitless, actually the list had a limit until a few years ago.
No longer are women’s lips on their face being plumped, but now the lower lips are also getting a lift. A new report reveals there were 5,000 labiaplasties in 2013, and according to a recent report in the Daily Mail it is said to be the second fastest growing plastic surgery next to butt augmentation. Yes, there are actually women who are exposing their wares to have a needle inserted into their beef curtains. WHY would any woman think they need to rejuvenate the vajayjay? If some man told me my taco needed a little fresher lettuce I would shred his beef quicker than he could turn and run.
But there are major issues that can occur, and the pain is said to be extraordinary. I can’t even imagine it, because birthing a child out mine was enough to just about kill me thanks to that rather large episiotomy. Shit at least I got an adorable child out of the whole experience, and I think it all healed up rather well thank you very much. However, the potential for serious injury to the jewel box is quite real. The biscuit and all the whiskers are a very sensitive region due to the many nerves in the area. I wouldn’t want to fuck with any of those nerves and risk rendering my promised land more of a forgotten land. Sure my garden needs some tending every now and then, but I’m talking some pruning, a little fertilizing. There is no need to go till the damn thing!
However, since collagen injectables are not enough, there are also women injecting blood into their muffins, making the red velvet a real thing. The procedure is called Rejuvula, missing a great opportunity for a play on words with Rejuvulva with just one extra letter. Marketing mishap if I ever saw one. Anyway, this procedure draws your own blood then the doctor injects the blood and platelets back into the the labia. Allegedly it helps increase sexual pleasure, but it also reportedly helps women who suffer from sexual dysfunction such as pain during intercourse as well as incontinence.
The Rejuvula procedure needs to be performed annually, just like your gyno appointment so maybe you can get a two-fer? Either way no longer will we be able to say someone’s a pain in the ass, now it will literally be a pain in the snatch. I understand the desire for a perky pink putty tat, but at the risk of me being the only one to see it I will go ahead and enjoy my tarnished box without the polish thank you very much.