Holy shit! The Shitastrophy has it’s first guest post…and I picked a doozey. I am featuring the very funny LeighBones today. She is taking an in-depth look at a burning topic in today’s makeup world. Watch out major manufacturers, I see women everywhere flocking to this new trend. I can tell you safely who will not be following this trend – me. I don’t like to wear lipstick where you would think someone would wear lipstick – on your lips. But which ones? I pick neither – wait, what?
Well, ladies, just when you thought you had all your cosmetic needs taken care of, they come out with something new. Labia Lipstick. And while I want to be outraged and appalled by this, I’m just tickled….pink.
According to an article published by the website Sex, Love & Liberation, scientists have surmised that there is a correlation between the color of lipstick a woman wears & her sexual desirability, much like when a baboon’s ass turns a flushed red to signal that she’s in heat to horny baboons.
While it might seem unbelievable, it’s no stretch to say that the two could be linked. After all, a woman’s lips — both up north & down south — swell & flush during sexual arousal. Whatever color your inner labia is, find the closest possible lipstick match at your local drugstore & wear it with honor.
Ok. Let’s dissect this shall we? I’m going to first address the obvious and most offensive assumption of this statement: I do not buy drugstore lipstick. There, I said it. Second of all, I’m not entirely sure I even know what color my labia is. Do I ask Dan? And how do I bring that up? “Honey, please pass the mashed potatoes. Hey, funny question: what color is my labia?” I’m assuming it’s somewhere on the pink spectrum. But, let’s be honest, pink is pink is pink to a boy. This is more of a girlfriend question. I mean, is it Powder Pink? Carnation pink? Fuchsia? Blush? Dusty Rose? After a little investigation, and approximately 4 1/2 minutes, I conclude that I am a youthful, Hubba-Bubba Bubblegum Pink.
Now that I’ve determined exactly what color my labia is, I want to look in my makeup bag to see if I have a suitable hue. Here’s what I found:
Black Orchid by Bobbi Brown (Well, I’m not black.)
Imagine by Channel (Imagine what? What this looked like before kids?)
Hibiscus by Channel (It does resemble a flower, right?)
Force by Channel (Please don’t.)
Pink Diamond by Laura Mercier (I like it.)
Brownberry by Laura Mercier (Again, I’m not black.)
Evening Rose by Bobbi Brown (I’m also not 80.)
Pink Lilly by Bobbi Brown (That’s cute.)
Babydoll by Laura Mercier (Getting creepy.)
Raisin by Bobbie Brown (Again, I’m not 80.)
Coco Malt by Bobbi Brown (Still….with the black?)
Brown by Bobbi Brown (Really? One shade lighter than black?)
Amaretto by Laura Mercier (It might smell like Amaretto.)
California Kissin’ Lipgloss by Benefit (Now we’re talkin’.)
Sexy Lips by Laura Mercier (Bingo!)
Based on my lipstick purchases, you’d think my hoo-ha was an 80-year old, black woman.
Part of the fun of shopping for a new lipstick is trying on various shades at the Nordstrom makeup counter. It’s hard enough to match a lip pigment to your skin, hair color, style….now your hoo ha? This takes all the fun out of shopping for cosmetics. And is Javier at the M.A.C. counter really going to know if your labia is glowing in the 2013 Summer Sultry Kitten Gloss? No.
And lastly, why why why would I want to alter the color of my lady bits? To fool my mate into thinking I’m more sexually aroused than I am? Doesn’t my snoring, lifeless body indicate my prowess. And you add my padded bra in there and it’s just one big lie! I’m just saying, if we get to the point where you find out whether my genitals are carnation or hot pink, we’ve already decided whether we find each other attractive or not. No need for Labia Lipstick. And if your face is close enough to my vagina that you’re trying to match it with a Benjamin Moore color wheel, then you’re definitely doing it all wrong.
Girls, just be yourself. Wear Chapstick and let your words tell your husband whether or not you’re in the mood. And if you do decide to add a little taint tint and never wear that tube of labia-lipstick again, don’t forget to designate the tube for when you want to write a love note to yourself (or your partner) on the bathroom mirror.
Now that you are done being thoroughly mortified – go check out more of Leigh’s shit – she really is hysterical. You can find her at LeighBones.com