Labia Lipstick – WTF?

Holy shit! The Shitastrophy has it’s first guest post…and I picked a doozey. I am featuring the very funny LeighBones today. She is taking an in-depth look at a burning topic in today’s makeup world. Watch out major manufacturers, I see women everywhere flocking to this new trend. I can tell you safely who will not be following this trend – me. I don’t like to wear lipstick where you would think someone would wear lipstick – on your lips. But which ones? I pick neither – wait, what?

Labia Lipstick

Well, ladies, just when you thought you had all your cosmetic needs taken care of, they come out with something new.  Labia Lipstick.  And while I want to be outraged and appalled by this, I’m just tickled….pink.

According to an article published by the website Sex, Love & Liberation, scientists have surmised that there is a correlation between the color of lipstick a woman wears & her sexual desirability, much like when a baboon’s ass turns a flushed red to signal that she’s in heat to horny baboons.


While it might seem unbelievable, it’s no stretch to say that the two could be linked. After all, a woman’s lips — both up north & down south — swell & flush during sexual arousal.  Whatever color your inner labia is, find the closest possible lipstick match at your local drugstore & wear it with honor.

Ok. Let’s dissect this shall we?  I’m going to first address the obvious and most offensive assumption of this statement: I do not buy drugstore lipstick.  There, I said it.  Second of all, I’m not entirely sure I even know what color my labia is.  Do I ask Dan?  And how do I bring that up? “Honey, please pass the mashed potatoes.  Hey, funny question: what color is my labia?”  I’m assuming it’s somewhere on the pink spectrum. But, let’s be honest, pink is pink is pink to a boy.  This is more of a girlfriend question.  I mean, is it Powder Pink? Carnation pink? Fuchsia? Blush? Dusty Rose?  After a little investigation, and approximately 4  1/2 minutes, I conclude that I am a youthful, Hubba-Bubba Bubblegum Pink.

Now that I’ve determined exactly what color my labia is, I want to look in my makeup bag to see if I have a suitable hue. Here’s what I found:

Black Orchid by Bobbi Brown (Well, I’m not black.)

Imagine by Channel (Imagine what? What this looked like before kids?)

Hibiscus by Channel (It does resemble a flower, right?)

Force by Channel (Please don’t.)

Pink Diamond by Laura Mercier (I like it.)

Brownberry by Laura Mercier (Again, I’m not black.)

Evening Rose by Bobbi Brown (I’m also not 80.)

Pink Lilly by Bobbi Brown (That’s cute.)

Babydoll by Laura Mercier (Getting creepy.)

Raisin by Bobbie Brown (Again, I’m not 80.)

Coco Malt by Bobbi Brown (Still….with the black?)

Brown by Bobbi Brown (Really? One shade lighter than black?)

Amaretto by Laura Mercier (It might smell like Amaretto.)

California Kissin’ Lipgloss by Benefit (Now we’re talkin’.)

Sexy Lips by Laura Mercier (Bingo!)

Based on my lipstick purchases, you’d think my hoo-ha was an 80-year old, black woman.

Labia Lipstick

Where else can you put your lipstick?

Part of the fun of shopping for a new lipstick is trying on various shades at the Nordstrom makeup counter.  It’s hard enough to match a lip pigment to your skin, hair color, style….now your hoo ha? This takes all the fun out of shopping for cosmetics. And is Javier at the M.A.C. counter really going to know if your labia is glowing in the 2013 Summer Sultry Kitten Gloss? No.

And lastly, why why why would I want to alter the color of my lady bits? To fool my mate into thinking I’m more sexually aroused than I am?  Doesn’t my snoring, lifeless body indicate my prowess.  And you add my padded bra in there and it’s just one big lie!  I’m just saying, if we get to the point where you find out whether my genitals are carnation or hot pink, we’ve already decided whether we find each other attractive or not. No need for Labia Lipstick. And if your face is close enough to my vagina that you’re trying to match it with a Benjamin Moore color wheel, then you’re definitely doing it all wrong.

Girls, just be yourself.  Wear Chapstick and let your words tell your husband whether or not you’re in the mood.  And if you do decide to add a little taint tint and never wear that tube of labia-lipstick again, don’t forget to designate the tube for when you want to write a love note to yourself (or your partner) on the bathroom mirror.


Now that you are done being thoroughly mortified – go check out more of Leigh’s shit – she really is hysterical. You can find her at

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  1. I guess I am already ahead of my time, because I only wear Chapstick, lol!! But seriously, can’t even imagine going this route to let my husband know I was aroused. Guess it takes all kinds!!

    • says:

      I gotta say this one is a new weird and wrong thing. Maybe I’ve been married to long, but he knows the signs – no lipstick required.

  2. Clare says:

    Once you’re past the new underwear phase, I don’t think it really matters what color your lady bits are. If you’re guy wants a little, it’s on! That’s the beauty of “real love.”

    • says:

      True Dat! Cause my guy would totally not appreciate the effort that would go into this matching of the color.

  3. HOLY SCHNIKIES, BATMAN! Why did you do this to me? See, first I was shouting things at the screen like, “Just lock yourself in the bathroom and use a hand mirror!” Then, “Not that I’d EVER do that, but how would you blot it?” and, “Who’d want lipstick stains in their underwear!?! I guess there’s always comando.”
    Which would be why my family is now backing slowly away from me. And it’s ALL your fault!

    • says:

      Just think of all the free time you just got today! Your Welcome!!

  4. LOL! This is too funny. Do you think anyone really does this? I’m all about the Burt’s Bees lip balm. I’ve been considering buying some lipstick recently, but now that I realize I have to use a hand mirror to check out the color of my lady bits so I can choose a lipstick of the appropriate hue, I’m having second thoughts.

    • says:

      Oh my I hope not – ain’t nobody got time for that!

  5. Well, once I read the title in my RSS feed I obviously couldn’t click over quickly enough. I am SO GLAD she pointed out that a) I have no idea what color things are down there and b) my husband would never be able to help with a color match because what does he know about color matching. He can’t even distinguish sky blue from aqua. At all.
    I also wonder, am I supposed to discretely sneak away to apply this stuff as we get amorous or am I supposed to do it hours before and hope for the best? Do I also need lip liner? What is the protocol here.
    According to my own north of the border lipstick my color is Cranberry Cream (Clinique). Ew. I’ll never look at this shade the same again. –Lisa

    • says:

      Lip liner? Signed, sealed, & delivered – you win the best comment trophy today!!

  6. Allie says:

    I kinda want to do this just to see if the hubs even notices!! #weird

    • says:

      Pretty sure he won’t what with being a husband and all!

  7. When I saw the title I thought it was going to mean lipstick that you somehow put ON your labia! I was like, “What…who…how….why…what the…OMG!”

    • says:

      Mind boggling!

  8. I knew I was going to love this post just by the title. HI-larious. I have the perfect shade to match *me*. It’s called Get Away by Ihaveaheadache. They’re a new brand – near the granny panty aisle.

    • says:

      Oh I wonder if that is sold near me! I hope so, or maybe you can just buy a shit load and mail me some?

  9. Jen says:

    This is fucking hilarious!! I don’t even have time to wear lipstick on my northern lips, let alone the ones down south. Crazy talk!!
    And thanks, now I’m going to be conjuring up names of lipstick for my hoo ha… “Vaginal Violet”… “Restless Red”… Don’t get me started.

    • says:

      You can totally make a whole line of it;)

  10. Msmarse says:

    If he decides to do oral on you, and u have lipstick applied down unda, won’t he come up when he’s done with the lipstick on HIs lips???!!!!

    • says:

      I wouldn’t tell him, wait till he figures it out

  11. “Benjamin Moore color wheel” thank you for making me laugh like a hyena early in the morning!

    • says:

      You will never look at the paint aisle the same again

  12. The only sad thing about asking hubby is that if he ever goes down there, his eyes are closed 99.9% of the time — so not really a credible source anyway… Ahem 🙂

    • says:

      I am doubtful any married man could…

  13. Betty says:

    Um she’s talking about wearing the matching lipstick on your mouth lips, not your vaginal lips. You seriously didn’t get that?