Lies We Tell About The Elf on The Shelf

22 Hysterical Lies We Tell Our Kids @TheShitastrophy

If you are a parent with a child under the age of 12 you have probably heard of The Elf on the Shelf. As you know, The Elf returns to Santa every night to report on your child’s behavior and then magically reappears in a new place upon his/her return. The inter webs are full of ideas that your scrawny red nightmare can get into while your little ones are asleep. This requires planning and commitment – I have neither. Do you know what I do have? Exhaustion and a complete lack of memory to move Santa’s lil’ helper from one place to another every night. This forces me to concoct bizarre reasons why our Elf has not moved in days. Basically the holiday season has turned into one big epic fucking lie. But I’m not the only liar…

I asked the amazing people on my FB page what lies they tell their kids about the little red menace, here are some of my favorites.

  1. He didn’t move because he can see everything you do from that spot. He must like that one the best! (Julie Camacaris & Elizabeth DeVirgillio)
  2. I told my kids that since they stayed up too late he didn’t have enough time to fly to the North Pole and back!!! (Tanya Kelley)
  3. I told my kids one year The Elf didn’t move because he tried to bite me. (Haley Yates)
  4. We have THREE Elf On The Shelf creepies! 2 vintage and 1 new..we introduced the additional 2 because our 6 yr old would only behave where The Elf could see him…more elfin eyes=better coverage. We told him (made a ransom style note) the other 2 are with the bureau o f elfin affairs and have been sent to monitor things. (Amber Williams) Below is the note (which I love!)Elf Police
  5. Last year our ferret moved The Elf into her cage and we couldn’t find the damn thing. We told the kids he had a stomach ache and needed to go home to Santa. When we finally found it we attached toilet paper to his hand and said he’s feeling better now. (Autumn Wilson)
  6. I was so exhausted from Christmas Eve and staying up all night that Christmas morning I stuffed him in a magazine rack by my desk. I forgot about it and then after a few months my son noticed his squished head under the books and said, “Mom Why is Fred here?” I then said, “Well maybe you should be good since he is coming to remind you he’s watching.” (Joell Conley)
  7. The Elf doesn’t need to move. He has connections with the NSA and sees everything. (Pam Sawyer)
  8. My daughters cat is a cornholio and randomly grabs things to hide. She decided that The Elf was hers to play with. She left it in her catbox, I told the kids, “See that’s what The Elf thinks about your behavior.”  (Mimi Alvior)
  9. The baby touched it by accident and it had to go back to the North Pole to grab some more magic! He will be back Dec 15 (Amy Leonhardt)
  10. I told my daughter she was trying to trick her by staying in the same place (Lisa Pollard)
  11. Ours is a combo of naughty/nice Elf because our dad is law enforcement. One night ours got busted impersonating Santa and driving a snowflake without any brake lights. He resisted arrest and kicked one of the officers in the jingle bells. He was fined one million candy canes and a dozen donuts and had to spend 5 days on the naughty list. He was booked and released after his mugshot was taken, but “jailed” in the mason jar until the next day. It was a big lesson in consequences…even for magical creatures…and they still ask which of his guys had to take that tiny felt foot to the balls. Because, of course we have boys and they think that shit is hilarious. (Heather Lee)
  12. Children can not under any circumstances touch the elf. If the elf is touched, Christmas will not come. It’s all about fear in my house. (Nicole Durfee)
  13. When kids don’t seem to care (or it’s just not working), my classroom elf disappears for a day or two leaving a note behind that he had to go make a special report to Santa about their behavior, and hoping Santa will let him return! (Robin Bobo)
  14. Our Elf landed in a pile of cereal one morning but since we live in the country we have a mouse. The mouse decided to chew ELF’s leg and when my daughter asked why I told her “shit got real” and he was acting like her “throwing food” and didn’t see the mouse comin to claim his food. She never threw food again haha!! (Theresa)
  15. Find a safe spot to stash him and set up an email in Gmail for him. Ours was “training new elves” giving us a many day break. The Elf sent emails to them, Pictures (that I found online) about his adventures…and that he knew they were being pains in the ass the day before (Nancy Boley O’leary)
  16. When prompted why The Elf didn’t move last night I informed her it was because we were not home all day for her to have had a full view of everyone’s behavior. (The Shitastrophy)
  17. Mom…why don’t we have an elf on the shelf? Me: He would get puked on by YOUR bulimic cat, disemboweled by the dog, lost in that shitastrophy of a place you call a bedroom, and doesn’t want to listen to you fight with your brother….”realism” was met with quiet, but accepting silence. Problem solved. (Nora Smith Gale)
  18. Ours was sitting on a hook in our living room. As we were ALL sitting there, he turned upside down! The kids looked and said “I thought he wasn’t allowed to come alive in front of us or he loses magic!” Luckily my youngest one had just ripped the biggest, loudest fart ever! So, quick, awesome thinker I am, I said “The smell made him pass out!” ( Keara Cochran)
  19. I forgot for two days. I told the kids he ate too much turkey and couldn’t move. (Jennifer S.)
  20. My kid asked me if I had bought our Elf after seeing a display in a store. I kindly replied, “No honey those are for all the kids that misbehave. They don’t get a real Elf like yours.” I am pretty sure I was already going to hell, but this one just moved me up the list a bit. (The Shitastrophy)
  21. Last year we all got sick while on vacation in Mexico (spent Christmas day in the ER there ) – and kept being sick for the next 5 weeks. The Elf was the last thing on my mind – I completely forgot about it ! So it stayed on a shelf in my daughter’s room. Sometime in February she noticed him – and asked me why is he still there, did he loose his magic bla bla. I made a note to self to move the Elf – and kept forgetting. Finally moved the damn thing the night before Easter – told my kids the Easter Bunny gave him a ride as the Elf had no magic powers left after all that time in our house and with them misbehaving. (Christina Hartley)
  22. My daughter’s hamster died on Christmas Eve. We ran out to 4 different stores to find an Elf on the Shelf. Christmas morning when he “arrived” he was introduced as the reincarnation of the passed hamster. (Dee Matthews)

As parents we really will go to extensive lengths to maintain the ‘spirit’ of the season and our children’s innocence. Between Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and now the damn Elf all I do is shove lies at my kids. Basically from their birth to they are about 11 (12 if you are lucky) most of what you say are just degrees of bullshit. How deep it is just depends on the situation.

This year I am asking for a shovel for Christmas, seems fitting.

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Comments

  1. Phil says:

    As with one of my recent posts I think he is a creepy little demon that will mess up your life. Just say no!

    Burn it with fire!

  2. Scrawny red menace is right. Ours is lying there on our kitchen counter now, just waiting to be moved. Christmas is the only time I seriously dread the kids coming downstairs after bedtime (also the only time of year the kids are LIKELY to come downstairs after bed time, OF COURSE) for fear they’ll look where the elf was when they went upstairs, and see he’s not there and shit will get real. Fucking elf.

    • Yup I have been playing the whole ‘fuck I’m too lazy to go upstairs and check on them but I don’t want to move it and screw it up’ game for 3 days and it’s exhausting.

  3. Thees are very funny. My kids are just a bit too old for this tradition, so I never got in the habit. But I can certainly relate to the need to “cover your tracks” if the elf didn’t do what he was supposed to. Reminds me a bit of the time the tooth fairy “forgot” to come for my younger daughter’s lost tooth. My older daughter, upon realizing her sister had been stiffed, marched into my bedroom, woke me up and told me this was “unacceptable.” Sigh…

    • I love your older daughter, she sounds fantastic! Yes, our Tooth Fairy has forgotten more than she should too. Sigh.

  4. Dave says:

    I am ever-grateful that we never got into Santa’s little spies. I’m sure my wife is, too, as I would’ve been putting him in ever more inappropriate positions around the house. Face-down next to a Martini glass on its side, doing things to a stuffed animal, riding the ceiling fan….

    • I think if we didn’t have our kids I would be up for Xrated elf shenanigans, but somehow it seems so wrong to corrupt my kids any more than they already are. Oh, and that would require more effort than I am willing to use.

  5. I have never had an elf…thing creeps me out like those old Charlie McCarthy dolls did. My aunt had one and I still get the willies thinking about it. This elf is it’s evil offspring as far as I’m concerned. These are all great and very inventive. I had to wait to finish reading until I got past ‘my cat is a cornholio…”! Dying!!

    • Yeah I liked that one too:) We are bare bones Elf at this house, but my kid loves it and I try to maintain some excitement about it. But when she is making large shoe box houses for it and leaving them full of food around my house the love is fading…fast.

  6. I just died, just died laughing my ass off. Oh I am so glad that my kids are just that little bit older and I did NOT have to deal with this crap on top of all the other stuff I have to deal with. I love Christmas and until last year Santa was alive and well in our house. The now 12 y/o did not want to admit last year that she did not believe. This year the 17 y/o informed the 12 y/o that if she confessed to not believing there would be less presents under the tree. They are sticking together on this belief, little shits!!!!! All the fairies are gone from our house, now it is just the Evil Eye of Mum or Dad!!!! That’s what keep it “REAL” around here. We don’t need that elf on a shelf…. Just mum 🙂

    • Do you make house calls? My kids are over me, though when I lose my shit they do tend to notice. My 11yo is so over the elf but the 9yo is milking that fucker for all it’s worth.

      • Haha, I can make a house call my kids call it the “Going all British” apparently when I get angry my accent really comes out!!!! We did cancel a road trip at Christmas once because the kids were ungrateful. That was the last year!

  7. Kim says:

    “My daughter’s cat is a cornholio…”

    OMG. On. The. Floor. Too freaking hilarious!

    Since we don’t have kids I don’t have to come up with any excuses for not moving mine. I have one because my husband and I are weirdos who love to do silly shit and pretend our elf is a booze guzzling drink. It keeps us entertained and amused.

  8. Magnolia Parshall says:

    ELF ON THE SHELF MOVES ON ITS OWN! I’M ONLY 9 AND I HAVE 2! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! PS NO WONDER IT DOSEN’T HAVE MAGIC! YOU KILLED THE HAPPY SPIRIT!

Trackbacks

  1. […] There are also these quick tips from The Shitastrophy on how to deal with those days when you are too hung over or just too apathetic to move Jonathon CandyCaneDick. Helpful for those of you who enjoy sleeping when your kids are finally in bed as opposed to spending hours creating a diorama for a fucking elf. […]

  2. […] excuses they made up for their kids when that happened.  The list had me spitting out coffee.  There’s some good ones here. I remembered to bookmark the page…just in case. If you want to follow along with our elf […]