Order Status…STFU

The holiday season is upon us and I am getting inundated with all sorts of shit. Cards arrive daily to remind me that I have yet to send out mine. Commercials are telling my kids what toy they MUST have this year, like they need any more. My family calls me repeatedly to ask what the kids want – I have no idea I haven’t even figured out what we are getting them. I drive down the road and admire everyone else’s outside decorations while mine still sit in the basement with no hope of seeing daylight. The Elf terrorizes me almost every morning when I realize I haven’t moved my felt nemesis from the last spot it was in. I am then forced to race down the stairs at mach 80 to move her before the 8yo sadly announces, “Wow – she didn’t move again last night” and sulks away sealing my spot in parental purgatory.

Yup, the holiday season is just one reminder after another.

Some of the most annoying reminders are the ones that clog my inbox because I am too damn lazy (or smart) to go to the mall. Instead I do about 99% of my shopping online. Which results in the constant barrage of emails keeping me abreast of my packages every little step in it’s life. I know more about what happens to my order than what my kids have done in the last week of their lives.

It’s starting to drive me crazy. I mean how many emails do they have to send?! Here is what I can expect with each purchase – and I purchase about 30 separate orders during the holidays for Aunts, sisters, nephews, grandparents, kids, husband, etc. That is a lot of emails to go through and if I don’t then I will miss the one that states…Sorry your awesome gift you purchased is backordered and will arrive in May of 2014. Here is what I can expect from each of my 30 purchases.

  1. Received your order!
  2. Confirming your order!
  3. Picking your order!
  4. Packing your order!
  5. Shipping your order!
  6. Order Delivered!
  7. Can you review your order?
  8. Please send pictures of you enjoying your order! (ok that’s a stretch but it’s the next step I am sure)

In todays technological world I do not need a constant barrage of my order’s whereabouts. I get it, you have a rocking logistics system and really want to show it off. But here’s the thing – I don’t give a shit. Can you just stick with the basics – we got it & we shipped it.

Pretty soon I think they will be sending me a picture of the happy/disgruntled worker that is handling my order. Please retailers just calm the fuck down and stop sending me email updates on every damn stage of my order. It’s not a baby – I don’t need to see it through it’s entire life. Thank you.


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  1. Haha, I LOVE tracking my order. I actually just signed up for a service with UPS where they text me about every shipment that’s sent to my house. It’s pretty cool, although I am annoyed that they feel that 6am is a reasonable time to send me a text.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I am putting down your email for all future purchases.

  2. OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY!!!! I didn’t mean to do all caps and then I thought it actually is how I sounded in my head so I left it. lol. You’re so right, though! It’s not a frickin’ baby! I’m tired of all the emails, too. Brilliant post. Thanks for cracking me up!!!!! MWA! XOXO

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Thanks! It’s a little overkill – and then when I am actually looking for some info I can never find the right damn email since I have about 400 to go through.

  3. Alecia says:

    Thank you for the laugh! I do almost all my shopping online too and I get so tired of the constant emails. If I want to know what is going on with my order, I will go check on it. How about two emails: one that says they got the order and one that says it’s shipped. That’s all I need! Glad to know I’m not the only one sick of the constant emails and I also have to run down and move the Elf that i forgot to move the night before. I hate that darn thing!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Yeah that elf is on my shit list. My kid loves it, but damn it – I can’t remember to move the stupid thing. I agree that I don’t want a million updates – just the two work for me!

  4. I agree got the order sent it out here is the tracking info.. Then if it doesn’t get delivered here I can make some heads roll. Other than that I am golden…

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Minimal contact please – anything more than 2 I feel like we should be on a first name basis and they should be contributing to my 401K.

  5. I don’t trust them. I didn’t track a package I was supposed to receive once & the post office screwed it up & only sent me the notification it had arrived when the deadline to collect was about to expire. They ended up sending it back before I could collect.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I don’t mind getting the shipment notification and then I can track it – but I don’t need all the updates between. Sucks you got screwed – though I never ship stuff via the post office cause they bite. Fedex or UPS only.

  6. I’m with you. It’s all too much. I’ve already got thousands of emails in the Inbox that need to be handled–I don’t need any more. What I do like, however, is the text message I get from my security camera system when someone comes to my door. It’s very common for packages to get stolen off of porches in our area so I like knowing that the delivery guys came (because they don’t seem to knock anymore–maybe they are too busy sending emails).

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I am all for the delivery update / or ship status cause then I will look for it. But all the other crap is driving me nuts.