Parents, Curses, and Vaginas

Funny thoughts about parents, curses, and vaginal muscles

My parents are embarrassed I curse. According to my mom cursing is only for behind closed doors or when she’s driving. I try to respect them and know well enough to never drop a F-bomb when I am in their presence. My dad dislikes even ‘crude’ words (‘pissed’ will quickly get you a look and a rephrasing to “you mean you were upset”). However, my mom has an affinity for the classics: shit, asshole, jerk, damn it, and Jesus Christ. It is no surprise that these are my favorite curses too. I have also added the amazing word Fuck to my repertoire. The chances of me saying Fuck in front of my parents though is as likely as an elephant wearing a tiny dress falling out of the sky into my backyard. I just know better, and even at 39 I realize the push back is not worth dropping the word Fuck into any conversation.

As I have gotten older we have reached a mutual agreement about profanity. I try not to use it out of respect and the rest of it, well I am an adult. We are more of an ‘as long as we don’t discuss it, then it probably didn’t happen’ kinda family.

I don’t have many conversations with my mom about my blog, she knows it exists and I think pretty much dissociates from it. We chat about more important things like how she never really sees the new people across the street, “probably because they work a lot” (or they are hiding from my parents). We all agree they should have added a garage when they built the house on dear old Mrs. Fagan’s lot. It was sad to see the old house leveled, but truthfully the new house is a great improvement. I must say though we have had numerous conversations about the lack of drapes and garage now. My mother is leaning to a lack of funds. I have never spent that much time considering drapery so I am deferring to her.

This is life with my parents where we wax and wane between my need to curse, the obvious financial issues with the neighbors, and the weather sprinkled in for good measure.

So I can’t help but wonder what my parents would think if I was on a tour around the world showcasing what could be lifted with my vagina.

Kim Amani, a sex and relationship expert, who teaches ‘vaginal kung fu’ is currently stirring the interwebs with her herculean vaginal muscles. I have to say I am VERY impressed. Shit, I can barely lift weights with my arms. Kim has pictures on her Instagram account of her lifting surfboards, bananas, weights, and other items with her robust pelvic muscles. You can see the unbelievable strength of her vagina here and here, or follow her on Instagram at #ThingsILiftWithMyVagina.

Kim is on a quest to educate women of the world they too can have a vagina capable of milking a man, hold a jade egg, or move furniture. Her website has the specifics regarding an 8-week program she is offering to help her clients strengthen their pelvic floor muscles. Amani has become the go to expert on vaginal muscles, and how can she not be with such impressive feats under her belt.

As I marvel at the pictures of her Hear Me Roar Va-jay-jay I can’t help but wonder what her parents think.

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  1. So um yeah.. having my first son left me with over 30 stitches as he tried to make me have ONE opening in the nether regions. After the stitches and sore places healed I worked on that floor like a beast. To the point I can bounce myself with those muscles alone and can control specific muscles down there.. ohh yeah it helps with sex amazingly lol

  2. My vagina is weeping at it’s lack of grasping abilities. Lazy ass vagina.

  3. I have been known to drop an F-bomb or four in front of my 80yr old gramma. She would never say the word, but she doesn’t even blink when she hears it.

    Honestly I’ve got to check out the vagina of steel – I bet she doesn’t wet her pants when she sneezes.

  4. Vaginal kung fu….I’ve heard it all.

  5. Holy shit, you know I’m going to have to go back up and click on those links, right?

  6. My mum and I have come to an agreement, as long as I use a Billy Connolly style Scottish accent when I swear around her it’s fine, because it makes her laugh. If I do it without the accent I get a slap round the back of the head. I’m 34.
    If you don’t mind, I refrained from clicking on the Kim Amani links, I’ve been mentally scarred enough today.

    • They are QUITE the site. Maybe I should try an accent when I curse around my parents, it would sound sophisticated.

  7. Carrie says:

    WHY would my vagina want to lift a surfboard?

    A pizza? Maybe. But a surfboard??

    I think not.

  8. Dave says:

    Right after college I worked at a gym installing software. I was the most unlikely contractor ever — ordering pizza, standing outside smoking, drinking way too much coffee….. A young lady who worked there AND was a body-builder took an interest in me and we dated a few times. As we neared a point where we might wind up in bed, I broke it off because her musculature frankly terrified me. Enough said.