When I became a parent I never dreamed I would say 99% of the shit I say to my kid. I am constantly left thinking WHAT THE FUCK. It seems more and more I have to ask my child to stop doing something, or ask a question that leaves me thinking…”Where did I go wrong?”
Over a week this summer I tracked the insane things I have to say to my 12 year old child, yes that’s twelve, not two. Sometimes I think I really am raising a two year old, or a dog.
- What are you chewing on the seat belt?
- Why are you eating the DVD case?
- Stop eating the plastic bottle cap.
- Stop laying under the dog bed, put the dog bed down.
- Get your feet out of the fireplace!
- Why are you playing a harmonica at 8 am?
- Must you sing “PUPPY, PUPPY, PUPPY” at the top of your lungs at 7 am?
- Can you please just sit in the dentist chair for five minutes and NOT wander around the office?
- Why are your feet on the ceiling of the car?
- Stop hitting yourself with a flip flop.
The answer to most of these things is “I don’t know” followed up with a close “Why?” I swear they never really do outgrow the terrible two’s, they just become larger two year olds that eat you out of house and home.
What shit do you say to your kid?