Recently I featured a post titled Stop Naming Your Kid Stupid Things, you can read about it here. I only showcased girl names….but you know that there is a whole other world of dumbassery still untouched. So today I present – Boy Names! After all, I am an equal opportunity slayer and want to ensure I represent the other sex.
Just as a refresher course, and for those that might have missed the girl version, these are actual names compiled from a large sample of the 2012 Social Security database. Hard to believe it but it’s true. And remember these names don’t make the list unless at least 5 idiots, I mean parents, picked it out. Are you ready? Ok…here goes…..
1) Parents seem to love naming their boys girls names. I am talking about pretty clear cut girl names being awarded to boys. Not just a few – but more than 350 boys in my sample were named a girl name – Farah (5) and Blythe (8).
2) Next up I noticed the trend of naming your child after religion or royalty. I mean who doesn’t want their kid to be king of the world, or universe -amIright? But isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on your child – Christ (29) and Kingdom (5)?
3) Then there are the parents that love nature. Who doesn’t?! I love the outdoors, as much as the next person. But would you name your boy Breeze (7) or Cloud (23)?
4) I can’t forget to highlight names that really should be for your pet, not your kid. There were plenty to pick from but here’s just two – Lucky (36) and Champ (42).
5) Finally I give you the WORST FUCKING NAMES on the list:
- Amillion (6) – I can only assume this is like, my kid be makin A Million dollas!
- Baby (12) / Babyboy (5) /Boy (19) / Child (42) – The old uh-oh I am having a kid and only had 9 fucking months to pick out a name but somehow didn’t option.
- Brain (6) – When you name your kid brain they most likely will be stupider than shit.
- Calliou (14) – Have these people not seen that fucking horrible whiney brat on TV? WTF people.
- Dickson (6) – Any name with the word Dick in it should be an obvious no.
- Dijon (14) – This is a condiment, not a name.
- ESPN (10) – This is a TV station, not what you call your kid you morons. You realize your kid is going to hate all sports BTW.
- Famous (7) / Fortune (5) – I can guarantee your kid will be neither of these.
- Great (5) / Greatness (6) – Good luck with this, those terrible 2’s and 3’s and gonna make you fucking hate this name.
- Harsh (20) – You know what’s harsh, a winter – not a name.
- Huckleberry (7) – Is Tom coming over to play too?
- Jojo (6) – This is a horrible kids TV show about a ridiculous clown. Kids hate clowns. Do not name your kid this.
- Kilo (5) – This is a unit of measurement, or if you are a drug lord it is how you measure your cocaine. It is not a name.
- Law (7) – I have a feeling your kid is going to spend a lot of time with the law.
- Mars (27) – This is a planet, and not even a good one. Nothing lives on Mars.
- Mister (12) – Hey Mister takes on a whole new meaning for your son.
- Moo (6) – WTF are you thinking naming your son after a noise a cow makes?
- Nimrod (6) – You should be shot for naming your kid this, seriously.
- Pilot (10) – This is a profession, not a name.
- Price (48) – Seriously?! This is not a name! And how in god’s name did 48 people think it was???
- Rage (6) – You will never know true rage until your kid takes your diamond engagement ring and feeds it to the dog to see if it really will come out the other end. Enjoy.
- Riot (55) – Maybe he should hang out with Law, sounds like they would get along splendidly.
- Tan (8) – This is what I try to get at the beach, not a name.
And the all time WORST name of 2012 is…..
Lucifer (5) – I am horrified that 5 families felt that calling their child after the Devil was their best option.
What crazy ridiculous boy names have you heard of?