The name you select for your child is one of the most important first decisions you can make as a parent. Their name will define him/her and will help open life’s doors, or slam them in their face. Your child will carry this name for at least the next 18 years of their lives, and hopefully their entire life. Unless you are an idiot and name your kid something stupid leaving them no choice but to change it at the first possible moment they can.
After reviewing the 2013 Social Security data of 1.9 Million baby boy names that were bestowed upon children I have recognized a few categories of names that should be avoided. For ease of reading I put the name and then in parenthesis how many people named their kid this – because you won’t believe this until you see it. These are just some of the names in these categories, I selected my favorite.
- Professional Names: Baker (66), Poet (5), Sheriff (7), Carpenter (5) – these are jobs not names, do not name your child Pilot (7) even if you are a Hollywood actor.
- Ancient Civilization Names: Achilles (141), Archimedes (8), Helios (20), Prometheus (7), Spartacus (5) – These were some powerhouse people in Greek history, but do not name your child after a half naked statue somewhere.
- Money Names: Cache (42), Cashe (5), Kash (718), Million (9), Trillion (5) – Are you freaking kidding me?! You are naming your child after MONEY?! You know what your kid is not going to have? Any money because no one is hiring someone named Damoney (7).
- Location Names: Brazil (7), Scotland (8), Tokyo (5) – This poor kid is gonna have a lot of confusion when they are studying geography in school and don’t even think about taking him to an airport! Now Boarding Montreal (15) at Gate A7.
- Religious Names: Lord (8), Gospel (5), Pray (6), Savior (22), Parish (10) Psalms (7) – We get it, you are devout in your beliefs…I sure hope your child follows in your belief, chances are they won’t just because you named them Prophet (6).
- Pet Names: Doc (11), Hershey (37), Lucky (33), Wrigley (25), Barkley (7) – I think most people know there is a certain sect of names that are reserved just for the family dog or cat, do not name your child after an animal.
- Nature Names: Deep (6), Cove (27), Boulder (5), Granite (7), Moon (5), Moss (10), Sun (6), Woods (7), Tin (11) – These are things, not your child. Do not do this to your son because when they are 10 and getting tormented because someone thought Oak (10) was a mighty name they will disagree with you.
- Royalty Names: Czar (16), Lancelot (6), Royale (20), Khiing (7), Majestic (9), Castle (12) – First could you try to spell the damn word correct? Because I can guarantee poor Kiing (7) will be spelling his name for the rest of his life, and unless your kid is true Royalty (10) do not name him it. And just no to King David (12), King James (12), and My King (16).
- Cars: Audi (6), Avis (6), Benz (5), Lexus (6), Jaguar (6) – Your child is not a vehicle, do not name him after one even if you think Bently (229) or Bentlee (401), or Bentley (5344) is an acceptable name, it’s not.
- Weapon Names: Who doesn’t love the Second Amendment? But don’t name your kid Pistol (9), Remmington (19), Shooter (25), or Warrior (6) even if you are a card carrying NRA member.
- Military Names: This is a position that is earned, not named. Please keep Captain (23), Major (849), and Ranger (48) for our soldiers. Oh, and Navy (13) is a color and a division of the Armed Forces, not a name.
- Old School Names: There are a lot of names that are passed down through families, and I understand the importance of maintaining traditions. But can you think of your sweet little son before naming him Gatsby (5), Orville (13), Stonewall (7), Windsor (6), Prentice (13), Thurston (24), Woodrow (33), or Rembrandt (10). Do you really want to be calling out Where’s Waldo (5) in a crowded place?
But sadly these are not the worst in my humble opinion. Nope here are my 20 WORST Boy Names of 2013:
- Anass (5)- This may be a Dutch footballer but in America it spells An-Ass and you do not want to name your child an ass, because people are pretty much gonna think YOU are an ass; and while we are at it Harshit (7) sounds like horse shit…so that is a no too.
- Brown (6) – This is a color, not a name as is Teal (8) and Red (5) by the way.
- Caillou (8) – Who the hell would name their child after the whiney bald little shit from PBS? An idiot that’s who.
- Chaos (9) – For the rest of your life I am gonna go out on a Bridge (6) here and say you will be giving up a whole lotta minutes to teachers, parents, and authorities for little Chaos. Hope you have a lawyer in the family.
- Eh (33) – This is an interjection when talking, you know what it is not?? A Name.
- Elmo (5) – What the hell is the deal with the PBS TV Show characters? A red furry puppet is not an acceptable name for your kid.
- Gin (5) – This is a liquor, and for the record one of my favorites, but it is not a name for a human being.
- Hannibel (8) – Hello Silence of the Lambs? Anything related to this movie is a NOOOO for naming your kid.
- Huck (54) – If your child’s name rhyme’s with Fuck it should be a no brainer that you would NOT name them this.
- Mann (5) – This is a misspelling of what your kid will be when they change their name to something normal.
- Papa (10) – This has to be confusing around the house, but at least when they have their own children Papa will finally make sense to them.
- Rage (7) – This is what this list of idiotic names is giving me. It is an emotion, not a name.
- Saw (20) – Seriously? As in I saw an idiot who called their child a name that was completely ridiculous.
- Story (6) – Your kid is gonna come up with one hell of a story to try to explain why in the world you would name them this.
- Polo (10) – Please do not take this kid to any community pool during the summer, he is going to be one very confused little guy.
- Striker (6) – You realize you will be constantly questioning if your little Striker was the actual striker at the playground.
- Yanky (13) – Nothing says I am an asshole than naming your child a derogatory word, or you can go with the Urban Dictionary definition – American wind sack, worst type of Human on the planet, lives with head inserted completely up his own rectum, all very stupid people. Or even better – the Long (26) Duck Dong version of no more yanky my wanky. Either way your kid is going to hate you, and I already do.
- Yale (7) – Even if you graduated from Yale you should not name your child this, and I am going to Reason (5) that these parents did not.
But my TOP TWO most IDIOTIC names are….Jihad (34) and Lucifer (8). There are no words that can explain to me why you would equate a sweet innocent child with the Devil or a struggle that often times is synonymous in the United States with Islamic extremists that have perpetrated idealogical crimes on innocent individuals.
I can only garner a guess at the thoughts that went through the nurse’s minds when the parents signed off on these names for the birth certificate.
Wait until you see the Girls list! Click here!
If you would like to read the 2012 Worst Boy Baby names, click here – and see how many are repeat offenders…because sadly there are a few.