Thanksgiving Conversations with My Mother

ThanksgivingConversations

This year for Thanksgiving The Hubs and I are dividing and conquering family fun. It will be the first time in 15 years we do not spend a holiday together. He is from Detroit and I am from NJ. The Hubs is headed to the Motor City to enjoy the NFL game with our son and then break bread with his family. The 9 year old and I are not big NFL fans and considering she ‘sold’ her ticket to the game one year for a Mega Kit Kat bar she had no intention of partaking in the event this year.

While the boys are watching football we will be in NJ cuddling my sister’s adorable little baby and hopefully pacifying my weeping ovaries. I have not been home in 21 years for the feast of fowl and now that our small town airport has a direct flight, it made sense to head to the state of Gardens.

Many things have changed but I can guarantee many have not. Here are the highlights of the Thanksgiving Conversations I will have with my mother.

  1. Oh you don’t like Turkey? (This will be a shock to my mother even though I have told her every year for the last 30 that I don’t)
  2. It’s a shame the rest of your family couldn’t come. (at least 100 times)
  3. You are wearing that? (yes even at 39 I will get this question)
  4. I wish you lived closer. (sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder…)
  5. I wish this house was bigger (yes, that would be helpful but we all enjoy that only one person can fit in the maze of a hallway at a time)
  6. God Dammit! (at least 50 times)
  7. That’s all you’re eating? (she’s Italian, I could eat two plates of lasagna and it still wouldn’t be enough)
  8. You know it’s very easy to make a turkey Alyson, you should make one. (see #1 as the reason I will not)
  9. I made your favorite! (actually it’s my sister’s favorite and I abhor it, but I will choke down whatever it is)
  10. Wow, where am I going to put these photos of the kids? You know my house isn’t that big. (in the same breath I will hear how my sister doesn’t ever give her any photos of her kids)
  11. Get your hair out of your face. (always a mother)
  12. Have you gained weight? (see #7)
  13. You really shouldn’t use curse words in your writing. (This coming from the woman who uses profanity as a comma, see #6)
  14. Everyone I know is dying. (well yes that is what happens when you are over 70)
  15. Your father had a doctors appointment this week for his (insert ailment) and I have one next week for (insert ailment). (This becomes a one upmanship of who has the worst illness, it’s a draw)
  16. Take off that sweatshirt, I’m so hot! (OMG she does this all.the.damn.time.)
  17. I am so happy you guys came home. (Me too Mom, but I probably won’t think this until the planes wheels go up and we are headed back home)

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Remember to pack the Tums® for all of your overindulgence, dress in layers because you are surely making someone else hot, and thank the heavens that you are over 21 and can have a drink at your family event. I will be having multiple.

Cheers and See you Next Week Mom!

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Comments

  1. “The woman who uses profanity as a comma” made me laugh. Probably the only difference between your mom and mine, oh except mine is Irish. And lives down the street. We have these conversations every damn day and I’m not even on medication.

    And I never liked turkey either. I’d kind of like lasagne for Thanksgiving.

  2. Abby says:

    Ha. I live five minutes from my mom so none of those things will be said–plus, we don’t have a big gathering and I see her every week–but that used to happen with my grandma even though I saw her every week as well. I’m vegan, but when I told my grandma I don’t eat meat–a sin in a Polish family built on kielbasa–she always said, “But what about ham and kielbasa?” I always just ended up telling her I already had some to make her feel a bit better. Now being single? She would never let that one go…

    • I don’t think I could handle being 5 minutes from my mother, there is not enough alcohol in the world to make that possible for me.

  3. Scott says:

    You don’t like turkey???

    • I know it’s insane, but nope not even a little bit and no amount of gravy makes it enjoyable. I will still put some on my plate and will choke it down bc “I spent all morning cooking this!”

  4. Phil says:

    Hope you and your mom have a terrific Thanksgiving. Just resist the urge to impale her with the turkey baster. I feel you pain. As a grown man I also go through this.

    I’m lucky as my parents are in Florida, and I stay up here in NYC during the holidays. My sister down there gets to deal with them. Fun!

    Also, drink wine. A lot. It helps.

    • Yeah this is my first one home in forever, normally my poor sisters get all the fun since they live close – lucky ladies.

  5. AmyM says:

    Oh dear God does this speak to me. I live 130 miles from my wonderful mother who drives me batshit crazy over the phone and moreso in person. There needs to be alcohol. I don’t care what we eat.
    The house will be too hot – I will want to wear a bikini to the table – and I am person who is always cold.
    I pray we go out to eat. No matter what, I Have To Be There. Family drama is at fever pitch, so whooo doggie it will be memorable.
    I love your use of profanity and you learned it well….I am working on a Master’s degree in that subject nowadays.

    • Advanced degrees are really very important in life. Good luck, I will think of you as I slam drinks throughout the next 4 days.

  6. TanyaK says:

    You are so lucky! My mom has been calling 2-3 times a day for the last week to give me snow fall estimates for both Wednesday and Friday (our travel dates). She is literally a walking weather channel. Plus all the other things PLUS a detailed account of the grocery shopping trip AND a repeated list of what I said I will bring.
    Every call.
    Every few hours.
    Every day.

    I love her.

    • Bless her heart;) My dad called me on Thursday of last week to make sure the snow we had Thursday wouldn’t affect our flight today – Monday.

  7. Liz says:

    Yes, to almost all of these except for the cursing. Heaven forfend! So much guilt. I’m supposed to go to my in-laws this year but plans are kind of up in the air so every day when I talk to her on the phone she says, well, you can always come here. And any time there’s even a whiff of a day care issue…. “Well, if you lived closer I could help but….” Aaah!