The Brazilian Wax From Hell

Our anniversary is the next day and I decide upon the perfect gift to wow my man. I call my local salon and book an appointment for a Brazilian Bikini Wax. This is virgin territory for me and I am a little concerned. I was counseled to take 3 Advil and drink a 1/2 glass of wine. I down my pain relievers, swig some wine, and add a generous amount of Lidocaine (a topical numbing agent). I got this, until I don’t.

When I arrive for my afternoon tryst I meet Lani who will soon know more about my vagina than my gynecologist. She is about 20 years old, petite and adorable. Fantastic. Could I not get the 60 year old that makes me feel good about my Jewel Box? Where is Bertha or Prudence?

I follow Lani to the back room entering into nervous first-date chit chat with her. I feel she should know a little bit about me since we will be intimately acquainted in a matter of minutes. Like I am a Libra, I like putting my feet in warm sand, and drinking ice cold beer on the beach. She nods and leads me to the room of torture, where shit is about to get real. She leaves the room, I disrobe and lay on the table with my bits barely covered under the baby size washcloth I am given. Could I get a hand towel at least? Or how about a beach blanket? WTF am I gonna do with a freaking scrap of fabric?

Lani comes back in and begins to check the wax; stirring and pulling it out of the jar to ensure it is the right elasticity and temperature. Happy with her materials she starts at work on my lady love garden.

“I am going to work in small sections and move as fast as possible to get this over quickly for you, ok?”

“Um…ok,” I stammer cause seriously who wants this done slowly?

“There is no way to make this hurt any less, so tell me if you can’t take it or need a break.”

How bad can this be? I’ve had some pretty painful moments in life and I survived. This is gonna be fine, she’s just exaggerating. I quickly learn she isn’t.

Lani positions my left leg to mimic a flamingo. I am splayed out, my hoo-ha front and center with hot wax being spooned on. Then paper goes on, she rubs back and forth to adhere it, and pulls the paper off.

“Holy Fucking Shit!” I may die. My eyes are tearing.

“I am really sorry,” Lani squeaks as she continues to pull the top ten layers of my skin off.

“Just get it over with! AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

I begin to hit myself in the head with my fist in an effort to knock myself out. This process goes back and forth for many painful minutes her apologizing, me trying to not hurt, scream at, or kick her.

I foolishly ask, “How much more is left?” I really don’t want to look while she is pulling off the strips. I prefer to not have a visual of my beaver with a mo-hawk.

Apparently this normally takes 15 mins, but since it is my first time (and I’m Italian) I can enjoy this Shitastrophy for 30 minutes. Holy fuck! I can’t take much more. I consider stopping and leaving. It’s the thought that counts right? He would never get waxed for me, so why am I even doing this? Maybe I should have drank more before I got here. Maybe I should have taken pain killers? Xanax? Beer? anything!

Lani continues about her business trying to ignore my grimaces and winces, holding down my thighs as I reflexively pull them shut in pain and almost vice-lock her head between them.

My 20 something perky aesthetician then announces she, “needs to get in closer on the labia and it can be sensitive.” (Um WHAT?!)

She pulls over a cosmetic mirror affixed with a very bright light to investigate my wares. She is fucking magnifying the leaves of my garden! She takes out tweezers and begins to individually pluck hairs. Now here is a girl that takes her work seriously. I am all of a sudden very thankful for the extra level of bathing I undertook prior to this appointment.

She applies the wax, gets her paper out and rubs back and forth and then suggests, “I hold my belly taught so it hurts less.” I didn’t think I could get any lower on the humiliation scale but I am wrong.

Here is where I start to let my mind wander. Honestly it needs to leave the here and now. I wonder how Lani would compare my goods. How does my whisker biscuit stack up? Once I leave the salon will the workers be discussing my vagina and all its wonder? This is unnerving to say the least and I am pulled back into the reality with another mind blowingly painful rip of the paper.

Now it is time to switch legs and assume the flamingo stance with my right leg. I am informed that this side should be less painful, “because my heart is on the left” so that is always worse. Well, Lani is FUCKING WRONG! It hurts equally, if not worse. I flash to the moment in the “40 year old virgin” with Steve Carrell when he gets his chest waxed. I can now completely relate.

Lani repeatedly tells me, “I am really sorry this is taking so long, even for a first time, this is way longer than usual.”

Finally after 45 minutes of excruciating pain, that I prayed for my death throughout, she is complete. She takes a hot wet towel and proceeds to attempt to remove any left over wax from my now barren plain. I kindly thank her for the effort but prefer to give it the college try myself. She acquiesces and leaves me and my vagina alone to reconnect. After all it had been decades since I saw it in this state.

However, when I glanced down I couldn’t help but notice my labia major and minor were bright crimson red. Holy Shit I now have a red delicious apple in my pruned orchard! I fucking hate red delicious apples. I dressed and left my salon with my head held high and a grimace with each step.

I went home, opened up a beer and proceeded to drink the pain away. Instead of the romantic evening interlude I planned I had a solo night of drinking, wincing, and icing my apple pie. When my husband finally did get a gander at my gift I learned he prefers a well manicured Bermuda grass, instead of a barren wasteland. Good to know, I shoulda asked before the Great Clearing of Weeds happened.

The next year I got him a card for our anniversary.

Brazilian Wax

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Comments

  1. I’d say a card is always an appropriate anniversary gift.

  2. Great writing–I cringed all the way through, yelling, “No…no…no!”

    • Thanks Carol! Yeah it was a horrible experience, I can’t understand that people do this on a regular basis. No thank you.

  3. Never had one…and after reading this, never will! haha Ouch!!

  4. Karen says:

    “Brazilian wax from hell”….so, is there another kind of Brazilian wax?

  5. Kris says:

    “It doesn’t hurt as much after the first time”. What kind of masochist makes a follow-up appointment after that? (And, it reminded me of the SNL with Nia Vardalos where she played an aesthetician who was bikini waxing Rachel Dratsch, and asked her if she was Hungarian. God, that was hilarious.)

    • I went back for a follow up appointment…they lie. It still hurts like a fucking bitch. There was no 3rd appointment. I’m gonna have to find that clip – cause yes being Italian was a bit of an issue.

  6. “whisker biscuit” had me rolling….hahahaha

    That is the worst thing I’ve ever heard! And you did it voluntarily! 45 minutes?? OMG. You are a stronger woman that I.

    • I can’t figure out how people do this regularly. I was like Tom Hanks in the Money Pit – Honey the Care Bears were here! The pain, the horror, the embarrassment.

      • cbmiddleton says:

        YOU WIN THE INTERNET today with The Money Pit reference! Love it!

  7. Too funny. Go for a nice card. You made me cringe. Can you imagine , after the memory has subsided to just a funny anecdote, this young woman’s work day?

  8. Lorien says:

    Wow. YOU are a trooper – going for a Brazilian the first time in?? I was indoctrinated into the world of bikini-waxing at the tender age of 18. I’d have recommended you go for a regular bikini-wax a few times first. It gets less painful after the first time. 🙂 (I just did a “Thank GOD summer’s over!” post a couple weeks ago paying homage to the Brazilian.)

    • That would have been good information! I have considered getting a bikini wax but after the brazilian I just don’t think I can do it.

      • erin says:

        The only thing i can compare a bazillion wax to is slamming your crotch on your bicycle bar as a kid. Remember that pain? Lmao horrible right!! Multiplied as an adult. Will never do it again!! I will shave forever. .. thankyou for the reminiscent memory and the laugh along!!!

        • It’s like you start to think…well it’s not that bad. I totally can handle that, yeah…nope. It is that bad.

  9. Amazing! How long does it last? That’d be a major factor for me to decide to go through with it because it’s always something to consider … you know, to keep things tidy!

    • Mine lasted about 3 weeks pretty good, but then it by 5 weeks it was not pretty. I think it depends upon you, being Italian I had no chance.

  10. Tammy says:

    One word. OW! Would never and now I know I will never. And of course now you have the lovely growing in stage to look forward to – won’t it itch!

  11. My friend C talked me into having my first one done this summer — “It’ll be an adventure!” she said. (Had never done anything like that before.)

    C went first and she didn’t scream, so in I went next while she sat outside. The thought of her hearing my scream kept me biting my lip – – hard.

    Did the “plucker” do your “tailfeathers”? We absolutely thought that was the most humiliating part…

    Wow – I need a strong drink after just thinking about this adventure again…although, since you turned your experience into a great blog post, you’re a braver woman than I am!

    • I was asked if I wanted the back area taking care of, I politely declined. My hubs was not very excited I wrote this blog post – but how could I not? I’m doing a service for all women;)

  12. A friend of mine said, “Eh, it’s not that bad. The place it really hurts most is across the fat pad at the top, but otherwise it’s worth it.” I’m not so sure. Besides, I suspect there’s enough chit chat about my female pieces and parts among the staff at my gyno’s office. I don’t need a whole new group of people talking about my feminine shortcomings.

  13. Jenn says:

    I read this with my legs tightly crossed. No. Fucking. Way. It’s bad enough that my gynie always has a student with him, I do not need a stranger with a magnifying glass going in for a close up with tweezers. Nuh uh. 45 minutes should get you declared a saint!

    • The magnifying glass was just too much…way way too much.

    • Jenn who waxed you for 45 mind
      I consider that illegal 10 -15 min or less no tweezing done!

  14. Jamie says:

    What is read, can never be unread. *attempts in vain to go to sleep*

  15. I have one word for you: sugaring. It’s the same general process as a BW, but it’s way less painful. Doesn’t it just sound nicer…sugaring.

    My sugar bear told me that waxing can actually take off layers of skin, as you and your red delicious can attest to. Now, I’m not saying that yanking out the short and curlies doesn’t still hurt when you get sugared, but at least the epidermis is left behind, and I think that’s kind of important.

    I also prefer at least a strip of Bermuda grass…going completely bald left me feeling like a 10-year-old girl, which is NOT how you want to feel right before you have sex with your 40-year-old husband. Good thing I saved the pigtails for another night.

    • Bahahaha! I tried the sugaring the 2nd time, there was no 3rd. But yes it was weird to be bald, very very weird.

  16. Teri says:

    My lady garden is suffering in agony of reading about yours. I’ll stay fluffy, thanks very much.

  17. Thanks for sharing! This convinces me that I will never ever attempt one of those! Thanks for being brave enough to share your painful experience with the world.

  18. Oh my God! I haven’t laughed that hard in what seems like forever!! We’re talking spitting all over the computer, tears and snot rolling laughter. I’m so, so sorry!

    I will think of this every time I even THINK about getting a Brazilian. You could put people out of business with this post!

  19. soniya says:

    OMG 45 min? I just had a Brazilian done today and it was 15 min. It was my 2nd time and hurt so so bad. I’m indian and my body likes to hold onto its hair. I think it’s not as bad if it gets done every month or something. Try the European wax center..no strips

  20. Carol Ingram says:

    I am still laughing. This was written extremely well. Felt every ounce of pain. Tears rolling outta my eyes, stopped to read lines a second time. Pure f’ n comedy. And thanks, never knew what a Brazilian entailed….and now I know…. I don’t want one. You’re a very brave soul!!

    • You are so very kind, and yes I am totally print off your comment and framing it – so thank you.

      • Carol Ingram says:

        You’re very welcome. I’m just waiting for your next escapade so I can laugh and share the experience, but for now, I’ll save the link to this one and read it from time to time!!!! Great work!

  21. Beth says:

    OMG I was laughing so hard & so loud I started choking. Dear god, that was brilliant! (And unfortunately I can relate).

    • We might need to start a club – I survived the Brazilian, and will never have it again.

  22. Am crying with laughter!! Holy cow, this was SO funny!! You are a kind wife…I prefer no yard work on any kind, but especially not in the lady bit area! ;)-Ashley

  23. Jana says:

    When I got my first Brazilian, I learned something horrifying — my lady bits are chubby. I actually have a little poochy part, which the meadow had concealed nicely before. I have enough poochy parts already – I didn’t need to have another one.

    It’s been more than a year since my last waxing. Now that I’m thinking of dating again, I’m thinking of going back. Perhaps I’ll think again.

  24. Maureen Vohora says:

    I couldn’t sleep, so was on my phone surfing….dispite my best efforts I couldn’t suppress my laughter. I laughed and cried for 10 minutes and ended up waking the whole house. Glad I didn’t read it on the GoTrain or the subway! Thank you

  25. Oh and yes there is a big difference between soft and hard waxes as well as differences in the experience one will have based on what type/ brand of hard or soft wax is used and on what body part! Depending on the client I use 1-3 different hard waxes on the Brazilian alone! The most important thing is the skin not the hair being removed, the key is to have an esthetician who protects the skin while removing the hair!

    • I think my girl missed that memo, I wish you had been my gal…cause seriously two years later and I am still flinching from the memory.

  26. You did better than I did. I didn’t let her finish, as by ten minutes in, a razor sounded so much better.

  27. Vanessa says:

    I work at a waxing salon that specializes in Brazilian waxing. 45 even as the most hairest of vulvas is waaaaay too long. I won’t lie and say the first one doesn’t hurt. It’s very painful especially if the estectician isn’t very experienced, like the one in this experience. The average Brazilian should be between 15- 30 mins. 30 mins tops! Drinking alcohol won’t make anything feel better, it will make it worse. Breathing and going to someone with experience and good sense of distraction is key. Waxing is an investment that gets much more easy with time. Swear by it! Feeling all of yourself is freaking awesome. Don’t ever do it for a partner, do it for you! If going completely bare isn’t your thing leave a patch. This experience sounds horrible and clearly the woman doing this was an amateur. Do your research and see someone with lots of experience!! Be nice to your vulvas ladies!

    • Yeah the 45 minutes was atrocious. I tried going back and went to another girl – did the sugaring. It didn’t hurt as bad as this but still hurt. I didn’t end up with a red apple though. I got lots of ingrowns even after the 3rd time and finally figured the pain and hassle just wasn’t worth it. I don’t think I would ever do the full monty again, maybe just the bikini line.

      • I agree 45 min is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long that is enough time for a min Facial I always wonder what an ESTHETCIAN is doing to a client for 45 min 10-15 min done!

  28. You made me do math to comment. Thou art evil.

    But hiarlious, so I’ll forgive you.

    *strikes ‘waxing the nether regions’ off things to do to impress the husband*

    • Yeah, I hate having to have added that but stupid spam crashed my site once. Oh and yeah – scratch that off the list for sure!

  29. I agree about it and very interested.

  30. A says:

    I got one done, first ever, three days before my wedding and subsequent honeymoon in Cancun. It was traumatizing. I cried, like, legit cried where your whole face scrunches up and you can’t control it. Pain, pain, pain. To top it all off, I was left with a severely battered and bruised area. Red, agonizing dots all over to remind me. Not the look I had wanted for my wedding night. I would rather have hung out on the beach with a furry bikini line.

    • Oh do I know that look well, at least mine was just an anniversary debacle. So sorry to hear about the wedding debacle – hopefully you iced it with mucho margaritas!

  31. Oh My God! That was so funny. I’m sorry for your pain. OUCH. I get waxed all the time and it doesn’t bother me….maybe all those shots before is the reason why 😉

  32. Thank you so much! And I’m sure if you ever get one he will realize the true sacrifice it is.

  33. Pffft. My husband has watched me give birth. Repeatedly. He STILL doesn’t get that, so waxing the girlie bits isn’t likely to realize that either, LOL

Trackbacks

  1. […] The Brazilian Wax from Hell Laugh out loud hysterical!! I LOVED this piece and found myself reading it aloud to my husband (who I’m sure didn’t want to know all those details)! […]

  2. […] follow Lani to the back room entering into nervous first-date chit chat with her. I feel she should know a little bit about me […]

  3. […] The Brazilian Wax Hell […]