I searched through 2 Million (11) registered baby boy names in the United States Social Security Office to provide this detailed list of parenting gone bad. I have organized this post so that the Name is capitalized and the number of occurrences is listed in parentheses next to it. To hit the list there had to be at least 5 occurrences of this shitty name, so yes all names have more than one stupid family selecting them. Dear Lord this country is screwed.
I can’t help but point out that a person’s name has the ability to open doors, or slam them in their face. As a former Corporate America worker for Fortune 100 companies I am telling you the Truth (35) I never came across a Treasure (12) or Echo (13) in my decade of working. The Key (5) to opening the door of success, and thus earning some Cashe (6), is not having a Clever (5) name. Try not to get all Rogue (11) when naming your child. Let their actions speak louder than their names, Trust (8) me on this.
This year I am attempting to limit the names I used from the 2012 and 2013 lists. So there are new categories, because bizarre names run Deep (7).
- All the President’s Men – There were LOTS of Presidential names on the list. I can’t help but highlight that naming your little one Nixon (469) is not the best idea, especially since he was dethroned and proven to be a liar. Try maybe Washington (13), Woodrow (27), Grover (15), Dwight (129), Barack (11), Monroe (117), Roosevelt (48) – two for one!
- Nature Names – I love the outdoors, seriously I do. But I can not fathom naming your son Cloud (27), Lotus (5), Moss (5), or Granite (8). I am praying little Tin (8) was meant to be Tim…please Lord (9).
- Religious Names – I can not stress this enough, just because you name your child Bless (16), Calvary (5), or Priest (11) will they become one or follow in the footsteps of the Messyah (5). Also don’t you think it’s a lot of pressure to put on your little Miracle (16) to name him Savior (16), Christ (23), and Messiyah (5 – it’s not bad enough you gave him this name you SPELLED IT WRONG TOO!).
- Money References – Sure we all want our chitlins to grow up to have a Fortune (7), but naming them Kash (832 – really 832 of you!), Damonnii (5), or Damonee (5) doesn’t mean he will have any Cache (26). Actually I can almost guarantee he won’t.
- Royalty – Who doesn’t want to be Royalty (23)? The closest Myking (21) will be to his Kingdom (11) is his name. Same goes for King Anthony (5) and King Joseph (5). The Castle (16) of Sire (60) may very well be a trailer. Sorry your Majesty (27) I’m just telling it like it is.
- Inanimate Objects – Naming your child after an object seems like a great idea. What adult doesn’t want to be called Dagger (5)? Uncle Dyson (79) can we go Bow (19) and Arrow (58) hunting in the nearby Park (18)? Sure let me just throw this Cage (27) overboard in the Lake (52) and Anchor (13) the boat before we drown in stupidity.
- Action Words – Historically boys do not sit still so it is fitting you would name him Bash (5). Good luck trying to Catch (5) him while he is setting a Blayze (69), or Casin (12) the joint. Let’s hope you never get a Ransom (92) call, well maybe you will, “Mom, Can (13) you come pick me up at Cutter’s (47) house?”
- Military – I find it funny someone named their child Napoleon (17), a small tyrant. The irony is not lost on me, though I think it was on them. Someone was reading a lot of Janet Evanovich when they named their kid Ranger (53), I’d like to think he is best friends with Tank (6). Anyone who risks their life in the name of Freedom (15) is a True (61) Hero (16) in my book and has my Blessing (15).
- Disney – Girls can pull off the Disney name so much better than a boy, unless we are talking Peter but we aren’t cause that would be too easy. Huckleberry (21) really doesn’t deserve the nonstop torment he will get. Nor does Mickey (99), I pray his middle name is not Mouse. My favorite though is Olaf (22) because why the Huck (67) wouldn’t you name your kid after a snowman. I got Damonni (5) on a sibling behind this name. Poor kid.
- Musiq (5) – Growing up my favorite band was Duran (21) Duran. I was sooo marrying Simon Le Bon, but it was not meant to be. I never lusted after Abba (8) but I’m sure someone somewhere did, they probably liked their Rhythm (27). I can only pray teachers seat Doc (13) next to Dre (24), I mean how could they not?
- Professionals – Historically I have reserved this for Poet (6), Pilot (9), Baker (68) who works at the Bakary (6, and yes I know it’s spelled wrong because that’s so en vogue). However I was delighted to see some sports positions making the lineup – Catcher (13) is probably gonna grow up to be a Champion (23) and work for ESPN (16). Maybe he will be his own Boss (12) or work for a Cartel (12)!
- Profanity – It should go without having to be said your kids name should never be able to be shortened into a profanity, or rhyme with one. It’s just a hard no, but poor Abass (5) has zero Chance (1501) to withstand the taunts of the Moroni’s (10). I can already hear his rants of Efe (14) this, or Huck (67) you, Arsh (28) hole.
There are always names that defy the ability to be classified, they are the true Jewel (12) of the list.
- I Saw (10) a Lion (18), Tiger (33), Bear (129) oh my! Good thing I got some Mace (61).
- Khaos (5) will be in real Chaos (9) when he goes to learn how to spell his name.
- Io (6) and Eh (43) should be best friends, if nothing else kindergarten is gonna be a breeze for these two.
- Unique (16) is not unique at all, oh the irony!
- Wheeler (21) will be 18 when he goes to change this horrible name.
- I bet my Soul (12) that Timber (47) will yell from the highest Rock (20) his name is not as cool as Cedar (72), but at least it’s better than Oak (27).
- The Bates (17) motel is now open for business, any takers? This kid has zero chance of growing up and not being a killer.
- Victorious (10) is not what little Prometheus (8) will feel like when he gets his ass kicked for the millionth time.
- I have yet to read the ArkAngel (5) series, but when your name can be misconstrued with archangel it’s best to avoid it all together.
- Nirvan (17) – so close, just add that a…you can do it, hell he probably should.
I Promise (11) though there are more shitty names. Here are the worst. The most Epic (11) names that will leave you wanting to Riot (60). There is nothing Righteous (11) about these names. I am on a Quest (30) to eradicate these options from baby lists everywhere.
- Most likely the name Demon (8) is pronounced is said as De-Mon but I don’t care. I’m willing to bet the substitute teacher calls out Demon for her roll call and won’t be too far off.
- Speaking of monsters Swastik (7) may have Hindu origins but today it is directly correlated to Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime. Atrocious doesn’t even come close to my feeling of this name, removing an ‘a’ doesn’t remove the stigma of this name.
- What the fuck is wrong with people to name your child Lucifer (11), I can’t even.
The worst name, the second year running is Jihad (28). I hemmed and hawed on awarding this name as the worst for two years straight but with all the hate and violence occurring in the world under the guise of being a religious sanctioned action I felt it was important to highlight how inappropriate it is to name your baby after something that is basically murder.