When naming your child I believe it is important to consider that this human being actually has to go through life with the name you selected. Seems an obvious, but some parents missed the memo. Last week I highlighted The Top Stupid Boys Names of 2013 and this week the girls are up, and wow Amerika (12) did not disappoint with the most ridiculous Choyce’s (5) in the world.
In case you missed the protocol here is how it goes – Social Security has compiled a list of almost 4 Million 2013 baby names, in order to make the list at least five children had to be Blessed (13) with these names. I have selected those that I feel are above and beyond stupid for your enjoyment. I will put the name and then in parentheses the actual number of children that were given these Epic (7) monikers.
There were a few obvious categories of names that people went with so let’s go ahead and get those out of the way.
- Religious – There is no doubt that Americans love their God or Messiah (38) and feel it is important to Bless (9) their little one with a Heavenly (168) name. But I can’t help but think that little Hallelujah (7) will not be singing the Song (8) of Psalms (6) or saying her Prayer (6), Rosary (5), and Novena (6) that you did, Amen (41). And thank you all of those that pointed out I had the wrong Calvary (7), because the religious one is very different than the patriotic one.
- Location – Most women will tell you that being equated to a large land mass is not a good idea, but I am sure Australia (6), Miami (16), Dublin (10), England (11), Indiana (33), Itali (9) / Italie (5) / Italy (86), Korea (29), Island (19), Sanibel (5), and Vail (8) will tell you themselves when they get older.
- Cars – Mommas can’t get enough of naming their babies after an automobile, but with girls it brings a whole new meaning to riding in my Chevy (18), Infiniti (14), Jetta (6), Audi (21), or Bently (11) / Bentley (11) / Bentleigh (58). (oh and BTW I owned a Jetta and the tire fell off it while driving it so not quality vehicle…here’s that story)
- Nature – Names that align with the outdoors sound better with girls than boys (IMO), however Canyon (94), Ocean (90) / Oceana (25) / Oceane (7) may not agree. Nor do I think will Birdie (37), Dove (5), Harbor (36), Paw (5), Snow (5), Trillium (9), or Tulip (5).
- Royalty (40) – What is a little Princesa (37) to do? I mean when you are a Duchess (8) or an Heiress (25) to the throne sure, who doesn’t want to be called Majesty (20). However, the Reality (6) is that little Empriss (5) will most likely not be assuming a Royal (59) position in her lifetime.
- Jewels (47) – Your little Queen (44) may never have her own scepter, but maybe she will have her own Gem (5). Could we keep it classy and go with a Dymond (23) because Diamonique (12) is the low end fake stuff. I would like to think Onyx (33) and Amethyst (9) would approve.
- Patriotic – Shouldn’t Freedom (22) and Liberty (556) / Liberti (7) / Libertee (10) be saved to describe our country? Who wants to be called Nixon (18) – hello the guy had to resign in disgrace!
- Ancient Civilization – Athena (1445) and Shera (6) will appreciate being known for their intelligence and strength, but poor little Roman (12) will have to hear ‘When in Rome (11)’ too many times to be comfortable. And for the record I drive an Odyssey (16) minivan and it is not the coolest vehicle, so maybe just stick to the Goddess (16) names or Alpha (5) cause who doesn’t want to be top bitch?
- Calendar – The Adam’s Family really taught us all a Thing or two about naming your child Wednesday (15). However now there is Tuesday (48) and Sunday (22); not to mention months July (15), August (44), September (36), October (8) / Oktober (31), November (33), and December (16). Pre-school is going to be very confusing for these little ones when they learn the Calendar Song.
- Money (6) – We all want our kids to grow up and make a Fortune (9), but chances are that if you name your child Cash (8), Amillion (7), Kash (12), Emony (5), or my favorite Price (5) they will most likely NOT have any Mone (6).
- Traits – There is no guarantee that because you name your Sweet (144) child Beauty (5), Honest (5), Knowledge (9), Loyal (17), Chastity (32), Marvelous (9), Modesty (16), Pretty (8), Purity (10), or Truth (14) they will actually have any. However they very well may have a touch of Vanity (8).
- Hooker – When naming a little girl it is always important to stay away from any names that could be interpreted as a woman the works the pole or street. I believe that Fantasia (8), Mystique (8), Feather (10), Yumi (21), Pola (16), Treasure (242), Dustie (6), Sparkle (12), Sugey (7), Sundae (7), Desire (86), Delicia (17), and Trany (14) would all agree.
- Rhyming -I find it simply Amazin (5) that parents named their kids things that can easily be turned into a taunt. Here are some names followed by what I can see this being turned into: Aishat (7) Asshat / Pessy (44) Pussy / Arfa (10) Barf / Bellamia (11) Bulimia / Rhyder (10) Ride-Her / Citori (5) Clitoris / Falak (10) Phallic / Kennis (7) Penis. Parents…Just NO!
But….as bad as all those were here are some others that don’t fit into any category except Stupid.
- Afrin (6) and Allegra (56) – These are drugs used to fight off seasonal allergies, and one you spray in your nose! They are NOT a name! And yes I know Allegra is an Italian name, but unless you are living in Italy it is a drug in America.
- Bow (5) and Arrow (15) – These two will hopefully never be in the same class, school, or activity because surely they will be paired up in every group.
- Eh (23) and Naw (12) – These are sounds, not a name.
- Diva (8) – Will most likely be unemployed when she grows up because she will never get a job with that name.
- Dim (23), Moo (7), and Nil (5) – These are most likely cultural names but when you pick this for your kid realize they may be taunted, for life.
- Dora (78) – Most parents fantasize about taking this little girl’s backpack and throwing it into the Icy (5) Lake (36) with her stupid friend Atlas (7) – yes I know it is called The Map.
- Early (6) – This is the only Chance (34) you will Ever (109) have to be Early in your life again.
- Pistol (9) – Nothing says sweet child than naming her after a weapon, I hope she Forever (31) and Evah (34) embraces her inner Zen (9).
- Rebel (46) – Let’s hope this is not a self fulfilling prophecy and that you do not have one Riot (11) after another – but you probably will and deserve it.
- Kale (5) – Just because you named your child a vegetable does not mean she will eat them.
- Io (12) – How can someone not say, “You!” after this child’s name? ‘Io-U’, funny stuff right there, Ha (6)!
- Whisper (12) – Best of luck with this one, you will probably Heer (13) everything in an Ecko (10) for her entire childhood.
- Favor (27) – Can you do me a Favour (14)…Stop naming your kids stupid shit.
- Unique (144) – I find it ironic that Yunique (8) and Imunique (10) are anything but.
- Tuba (5) – My Theory (9) is that being named after a large Shiny (5) instrument will not be a good thing.
As bad as these all are I have to say the Top Stupid Girls Names for 2013 are:
Nemesis (6) – Nothing like telling your child that you see them as your downfall, to say this mother and daughter relationship is off to a bad start is an understatement.
Kilyn (7) / Killian (15) – Because death and a sweet baby should never be in the same name. (Yes I know it has some Irish mythical meaning but who the hell is going to think of that with the word Kill in the name?!)
So how did the Girls names for 2012 compare to this year? Go check them out here. Stupidity runs deep in the U.S.A. Oh and go read the 2013 Boys list because seriously The Top 2 worst names for them take the overall prize for worst parenting EVAH! Click here to see for yourself.