Most people who have followed my blog for sometime know I am no prude. I have gotten on stage in front of thousands of people and tried to blow up a condom when I was in Cancun on Spring Break (I lost, those fuckers are hard to keep in your mouth!). I wrote a piece about The Best Vibrator on the market and even teamed up with a Lelo over the holidays to help launch their new top of the line pleasure purveyor. The fact is I know a thing or two about sex and sex toys. I mean I’m not the next Jenna Jamison, but I’m no Laura Ingalls either. Which is why when my friend Leigh from LeighBones.com emailed me this story last week I wasn’t surprised, until I read it.
I realize there are many people who have had their way with various vegetables, or household accoutrements. There is no shortage of X-rays circling the internet of people with lightbulbs, cucumbers, liquid adhesive, an aerosol deodorant canister, bottles, and other bizarre things lost inside their respective orifices. Many times these items are lodged in the users ass and they are very aware of them, and after great pain and embarrassment finally seek some medial intervention.
It’s not as often, but there are lost items in the womanly holy grail, her vagina, as well.
I have heard stories of the lost rogue tampon. Our own family doctor shared a horrible story about a MIA tampon with me one day when I was feeling especially bad for the stench my toddler was releasing in his office. Glad to know that the rotovirus that was wreaking hell on her little system was not the worst smelling thing he ever experienced. That was left to the patient who earlier in the day had a tampon removed that had been festering for months. Yikes. Most sexually active woman have also had the lost condom moment at some point. These are normal items to be found in the old love muffin.
You know what’s not normal to find in the hot box? A tongue. A long fleshy animal tongue. I shit you not.
Some lady in Arkansas had an animal tongue removed from her vagina. Seriously. A fucking dead animals tongue, in her vagina. I can’t even. She sought medical intervention when she noticed a foul smell and heavy discharge (ya think?!). Initially the doctor found nothing and sent her home. However when tests returned indicating a presence of cells that were not human he called her back in and did a more thorough investigation. Once she was strung up in her stirrups he scooped out her insides and removed a fucking decaying piece of flesh!
If I had been that doctor or nurse in the room I would have screamed, and then probably puked.
Apparently the lady had used the tongue of the deer, her husband had recently shot and gutted, as a masturbation tool. This gives a whole new meaning to licking her chops. According to her she forgot the tongue inside. How in the fucking world does someone use an animal tongue as a sex toy and then FORGET about it?
I guess you could say she went buck wild.
I’m sorry for this visual – but I had to share this story because I’m a giver.