Recently I attended the annual LELO red carpet event in New York City at The Pleasure Chest located on the Upper East Side. It was a small venue packed with people from all walks of life. I expected the space to be cozy, I just had no idea it would feel like a literal sardine can. There were two bars serving up much needed drinks which helped me to handle the crowd and the space full of sexual toys that even I had never seen or heard of.
I have only ventured into a sex shop one other time. I was highly intoxicated and in another country where language was a serious barrier, insulating others from the immaturity permeating my entire being. However, when I once again stepped into a shop for the more risqué in our society I realized, no matter what the language I still have the maturity of a thirteen-year-old boy. Everywhere I turned I was awash with giggles, and shock. So much shock.
I should mention I am no prude, I have a fair amount of sexual proclivity under my belt, but even my advance knowledge left me gasping for air. For those of you who have never entered a shop of the night I have provided you a stroll down the aisles, cause I’m a giver.
- Oils – there was no shortage of oils to be had; massage oil, lubricating oil, scented oils, you name it oils. Wesson’s got nothing on this joint.
- Beads – There are beads for your hoo-ha and your ho-hum. You can strengthen your inner self and pleasure your derriere. They make ones that are for just hanging around in, and ones that supposedly work while you whistle. It’s like the Seven Dwarfs are in your vagina.
- Plugs – The number of butt plugs was ASS-tounding. The size and shape of them left me clenching my cheeks and blushing. One plug was wider than my own thigh, no small fete. I swear to god it weighed at least three pounds, and was a steal at only $50. I may never fully understand how this can be a sexual enticement but my god are you getting your money’s worth with that purchase. When not using it to plug the booty it can be a much needed door stop too! Then there was the one that was so large I swear it would reach through your entire intestine and tickle your stomach. WTF is all I could think of, and ouch… a lot of ouch.
- Dildos – These are the non-moving, run of the mill phallic items that range in size from the ‘why bother it’s no bigger than my pinky’ to ‘holy shit that’s 16 inches of pain’. They came with life like scrotums (I swear they were a little too realistic) and different colors – brown, cream, black, red, and pink. They were short and stout just like the teacup song, and begged to be picked up and played with. I may or may not have touched a few and yes, they felt real.
- Vibrators – These are dildos but they actually flick/twist/twirl. I was mesmerized by the size of a few and had to reach out and touch a couple because I couldn’t figure it out. They looked like a centipede’s antennae were attached to a thrusting twisting twirling cock. How these are an aphrodisiac is beyond me, but maybe you use them with the lights off, or a lot of alcohol. There were benign ones that offered up all sorts of sizes in case one night you were feeling small and another you wanted the Holy Grail. People like options; it’s like the McDonald’s value meal menu – the more choices the better.
- Whips – Small or large they got you covered. There were whips that were only a few inches long and would require up close and personal contact while others you could stand across the room and hit your target. There were dual whips, one with a feather which just had me giggling from the thought of how ticklish that would be to ones outfitted with some serious strong leather that would be sure to make a mark, not here or here but here. (Tommy Boy anyone?)
- Decorum – Every good sex room needs some lamps and this shop has you outfitted with some retro style ambiance inducing lights. I really liked the mustaches and the star for the glory hole. I am attending a bridal shower soon and missed a real opportunity here to pick up some lovely end table lamps for the bride. Sorry Stacy, maybe next time.
- Outfits – There were some lovely leather items for either party; from straight jackets, to chest constraints, to masks for the bestiality lover they had you covered. I know when I am deep in the throws of it all the thought of a leather dog mask or horse accoutrement will really help bring it home for me. Seriously WTF times a million.
- Cock rings – Oh so many rings and all left me wondering how come no one just goes to Home Depot and buys something there? Surely there is some wonderful pipe fitting available that would do the job just as well. And who buys the tiny ring? That can’t be good for the ego, how do they even make eye contact after ordering up the 1/2 incher?
- Ball gags/Strap Ons/Masks – Well this is one way to shut your lady up. I would probably hurl with this in my mouth, right after I punched you. Lord knows women typically love balls in their mouths so of course this is a natural extension right? This was designed by a male, I have no doubt. Also gotta love the multiple options for straps ons and masks. I know Zoro really turns me on so I picked up a few of those.
- The Dilator – WHAT THE FUCK?! I actually had to look this up because for a second there I though I was at a gynecologist’s office, not a sex shop. It is reportedly used for sexual therapy, but I am willing to bet some cold hard cash someone is using this for a way to open up the glove box to take in a large member, to which I give a long hard HELL No.
I guess I am more of a prude then I thought, and I gotta say I am ok with that.
Either way I have a give away for you all. LELO was the sponsor for the event and they gave away quite the goody bag. Behold the Iris. I will be giving away my LELO gift to one lucky person. So go ahead and submit to win this item, you know you want it. The contest is open through Thursday 12 am and one lucky winner will get a new in the box, never used (you’re welcome again), Lelo Iris – a $135 value!