Wait, Vaginal Dryness Is In?


Dry Vaginas @TheShitastrophyRecently it was reported women in certain areas of Africa and Indonesia are taking one for the team and ‘drying out’ their vaginas in the name of satisfying their male partners. Yup, you read that right. They are doing the exact opposite of what most women in the world are doing. Apparently vaginal dryness is ‘in’ in some places of the world!

Men in the western hemisphere, and really most places, are lubing up their lightening bolts to ensure their women have a comfortable and enjoyable sexual experience. Hell, there is an entire aisle in Target dedicated to all things slippery and sexy – lubricated condoms, warming lubricants, water-based lubricants, oil-based lubricants, flavored lubricants (in case you didn’t know it is helpful for your cherry to taste like one too), his/her lubricants (thanks KY), and the list goes on. Shit you can make your own lubricant if you want (thanks Pinterest!). Seriously there are lots of recipes on making your own lube, who knew?!

But in a polar opposite move the women of central and southern Africa, along with Indonesia, are actually de-lubbing their glove-boxes in the name of all things virginal. According to various news reports, ladies are inserting more than just your run of the mill dildos into their ho-ha’s. In one part of Indonesia ladies are using a cigar-shaped plant to root around in the old venus flytrap. Who knew Bill Clinton was so cultural! In other areas of Africa ladies are sprucing up the love muffin with some sexy chalk, sand, pulverized rock, herbs, paper or sponges before sex, according to journalist Ms Syfret. And the final cringe worthy ritual is that some are actually dousing their vaginas with detergents, antiseptics, alcohol, and bleach. I crossed my legs with the thought of bleach in my vagina. Shit if I get bleach on a shirt I get upset. Can you even imagine bleach in your putty-tat?

The practice is based upon the belief that men enjoy a dry vagina, and that a lubricated birds nest reeks of promiscuity. Much of the misinformation is due to uneducated individuals who do not realize that a woman’s razzle-bedazzle will grow when in the throws of loving. Men have proliferated the belief that an enlarged muffin is not just mega sized for them, but for all mankind to have enjoyed. As a result, these women are cast out and ridiculed in their societies. In order to avoid any stigma women are being preemptive and de-lubing their holy grails.

Why in the world would either person subject themselves to this practice? Nothing good can come from an unmoistened honey pot. For the man a non-lubricated taco truly will earn it’s nickname of cock chafer. And for the lady, well besides the unbelievable pain and agony she is also bestowed cuts and lesions making her more susceptible to infections and HIV. That’s nothing but a lose-lose-lose scenario. Besides the practical implications of this horrific belief I can’t help but wonder WTF on putting stones and shit in your Golden Palace? Who is just walking down a dirt road and sees a bunch of pebbles and thinks, “Well shit I should probably grab a bunch of these and throw them in the old muff pocket in case my soon to be betrothed comes a knocking.”

It is not surprising that as an American woman I am at a complete lack of understanding in the cultural belief of dry sex. But I suppose there is one good thing to come out of it, chances are those awkward vaginal dryness commercials will never take hold in of their culture so there’s that.

I think the should be a campaign to help spread the word to all of those that believe this practice is a worthwhile endeavor – Remember people, a rough muff is a tough muff!

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  1. Linda says:

    “lubing up their lightning bolts” Bwahaha! Shazayum!! Oh, Africa…what are we going to do with you?

  2. Holy Crap. I may be showing some insensitive cultural awareness but really?

    • It just sounds soooooo painful and the possibility of infections with this has to be alarming considering medical care is not as readily available.

  3. Jana says:

    The hoohaw tends to dry out on its own the older you get — why would anyone want to hurry that along? The thought of doing it deliberately just makes me cringe.

  4. “The practice is based upon the belief that men enjoy a dry vagina” SHOW ME ONE MAN WHO AGREES WITH THIS. You cannot. Jesus.

  5. Phil says:

    All I can say is – OUCH!!! That sounds painful to me. Pass these women some Astro Glide!

    Happy New Year! Here’s wishing you and yours a happy and healthy 2015!

  6. KDCOL says:

    Why does Africa seem to just keep getting more backward? Strange/crazy (and ouch).

  7. Kim says:

    OMG! I am closing my legs and cringing! I’ve had sex when the downtown area was less than slippery enough and holy hell that shit hurts! Nuh uh! Keep that dryness away from my love garden when it’s time do the mattress mambo. Pass me the lube before anything else happens!