When Adult Birthday Parties Go Wrong

A couple of years ago my husband and I were invited to an acquaintance’s 42nd birthday party. Yes, that is correct it wasn’t her 40th or 50th, or shit even her 45th – it was her 42nd. We were not very close, but our kids were so I begrudgingly accepted. My close friend was also invited so I figured if nothing else a night out with a good friend would be worth the effort. It may have just been the strangest birthday party I have ever attended – and that is saying a lot.

My good friend and I discussed if a birthday gift was appropriate. We both felt that since it was an adults party, that no it would be in poor taste to have an expectation of gifts. We made a pact that no gifts would be brought. Seriously this chick is 42, who the hell expects a gift when they turn 42?! We just figured she wanted to have a party and coordinated it around her birthday. I have thrown parties before and understand that the cost is falling on me, I am not recouping the outlay for the event through gifts. It is the idea you are with friends having a good time.

Upon entering the party, that was held at a local country club that we were not members of, I noticed the gift table immediately. It was hard to miss what with the balloons, gift bags, and wine bottles on it. I glanced at my husband and then looked at my friend. Halfway into the evening my hubs excused himself to the restroom and instead went to the CVS down the street. He purchased $100 in gift cards from all of us. I guess they figured he was taking a massive shit since he was gone for 30 minutes.

When we arrived at the event a waiter had asked if I wanted a drink. I turned it down initially, but 30 seconds later I was tag teamed by two ladies named Babs and CoCo – I shit you not. I waved my waiter over faster than you can say “fuck me” and requested my go-to drink a Tanquerray and Tonic double lime. This prompted an entire conversation about what an interesting selection my gin was and that back in the 1800’s gin was also blah blah blah…I seriously could care less.

I kept waiting for more people to show up, since this party could really not be just about 20 of us and four of us were not even close friends, and upon talking to another couple learned they had just met the birthday girl a short time ago. But that was it, just 20 people. We were invited to finally sit down for our meal – which again surprised me since the invite had no mention of a meal.

The guest list was nothing short of the land of misfit toys. There was a plastic surgeon with his fiancé that didn’t say a word the entire night. She had a perma grin that showcased her braces as she hung on his every word, she was a freak. He reminded me of a serial killer. If you were to tell me there were body parts in his basement I wouldn’t be surprised. Across the table was a guy that talked about his collections the entire dinner. About halfway through the evening Stifler’s mom (American Pie reference in case you have no idea what I am talking about) showed up in a show me your ass snakeskin dress. And yes, she seriously looked like Stifler’s mom –  lips, hair, body everything. She just needed a boa to complete the ensemble. Soon as our dinner was served I ordered another drink. I was then informed that the open bar had turned to cash only. But here’s the weird thing – it was only cash for me and my friend. WTF is that?

I looked at the hubs and nodded, yes get your credit card, your cash whatever because I am gonna need a drink to make it through this. My friend and her hubs didn’t even bring their wallets, because no where on the invite did it say – Oh and BTW 1/2 through the night you will need to pay for your own drinks. I am assuming the rest of the party were members of the club so they just ran tabs, however I saw no evidence of this. We didn’t want to make a scene so we just paid for our drinks. But seriously WTF is that?!

After our plates had been cleared the cake was brought out and we all had to sing Happy Birthday to our drunk Birthday Girl while she man handled her boyfriend through the song. At this point my husband was ready to go, but no way was I leaving this shindig. I had to watch it crash and burn. We stayed for the band that played for the Birthday Girl while she danced in the middle of the room (remember there was only 20 people there) by herself screaming I Love You Fabian!! I think that was the singer’s name, not the boyfriend.

At this point I noticed the boyfriend had been missing for a while. My husband and my friend’s husband noticed it too. Seriously he slipped out of the room unnoticed by his drunk girlfriend for at lest 45 minutes. I can’t be sure but I think another person was also missing. Draw your own conclusions.

I may have called out one of the attendees for his employee stealing my niece’s gift cards out of my car when it was washed at his business. My husband knew I was going in for the kill and just sat back and watched. The ass tried to pacify me with a voucher for a free car wash. Seriously – it was $100 in gift cards fucker. I flat out refused and informed him he was an ass for offering me a car wash for the theft of $100 in gift cards.

The conclusion of the evening was when the Birthday Girl’s boyfriend planted a smooch on my shocked friend’s lips. She stood there mortified and completely offended. Her husband almost killed him on the spot. It was beyond inappropriate. The boyfriend should thank God my friend’s husband decided to not tackle him to the floor because his career in surgery might have been over pretty quickly.

Have you ever gone to anything like this? What do you think about throwing your own birthday party – gifts, cash bar, inappropriate touching, and everything?

AdultBirthdayParties Drunks, Inappropriate Touching, Cash Bars, Gift Tables – WTF?

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  1. This is just sad. Ben and I threw for our 30th Wedding Anniversary at a restaurant with invitations going to our closest friends. No gifts. Just laughs (I brought our photo album) and dinner and drinks were on us. No pay as you go. What get’s my knickers in a twist is baby showers for each birth, 1/2 birthdays (as well as the actual Birth Day), and ‘We’re Moving Again! Please do- far far away.

  2. Erin says:

    Wow. Wish I could have sat on the sidelines of this was some popcorn. Also, kinda want a friend named Babs now. Great story.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Don’t forget CoCo either?! I wish it was secretly videotaped bc it would be a YouTube hit!

      • Rita says:

        I am ROTFLMAO! your description has me spitting out my beer! I would have wanted to stay also, and sent hubs back to CVS for a couple of bottles….and had him take the $100 gift card to purchase them! Then put them in the trunk of the car and take turns sneaking out, like in high school prom.

        • theshitastrophy.com says:

          Damn! I wish I was at your prom!!

  3. theshitastrophy.com says:

    That’s exactly the party I am talking about – close friends, fun, laughs, and no gifts. This was a fucking run away train – you just couldn’t look away, or leave. I am with you on the other’s too. People should take the money they are spending on all that other shit and get some therapy.

  4. When I first read the description of a drunk birthday girl and inappropriate touching, I was worried the story was about me. But, in my defense, it was my 40th (no gifts required and plenty of free booze for everyone), and I always admire my friend’s amazing abs–even sober. But this story was…. uh, wow. I’m so glad you stayed to see the whole thing played out–so hilarious. You could write a screenplay based on this party alone. Thanks for sharing!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Sounds like your 40th was just my style party:)! I had to convince the hubs to not leave – he was not a fan of the scene going down but how could we possibly leave and miss her dancing and screaming Fabian!! Fabian!! I think CoCo and Babs would have missed me too.

  5. When it becomes pertinent, I shall make sure to beware the 42nd birthday invitation! Wow! I laughed through this one – thanks 😀

  6. Joy says:

    Sorry I can’t help, that does sound strange. If you’re throwing down money for a party, put the money into BOOZE instead of a meal, maybe appetizers? When I’m invited to a birthday party (not that often) I bring booze. If the party really sucks, I just open it. Win win.
    I don’t know what the procedure is for anything like that, it sounds bizarre to me but then again I don’t really get out a lot, and the country club scene is nooot really my thang.
    This sounds like an episode out of Liz Lemon’s life. You really should have your own show.
    p.s. You & your husband are invited to every birthday party I EVER have if you give $100 in gift cards 🙂

  7. I was laughing out loud by Babs and Coco. Seriously! That was one freaky party. I know I’ve experienced some weird crap in my life, I’m going to have to think hard now. Great story – I was hanging on your every word wondering what was going to happen next.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      They were quite a pair – I stood out like a turd in a punch bowl.

  8. No words….
    thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      my job is done here.

  9. The History of Gin – by Babs and CoCo. Oh my god. I’m pretty impressed that you stuck it out through that whole party. Hilarious.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Oh my hubs was dying to leave – no way in hell was I missing out on this event.

  10. What a party! The rich tapestry of human form; life would be boring if we were all the same.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      It was quite an event that’s for sure!

  11. That was beyond icky! I would wonder if cameras were rolling somewhere.

  12. Nay says:

    Honestly I have a massive birthday party every year with my husband whose birthday is a few days away from mine. We have dress up parties, themed parties etc and we supply all the food, fun and most of the booze. Only if you drink special stuff you had to bring your own. We invite all of our friends, old and new, and we have a fabulous time.