Hello My Little Friend

KidFoundToy

I shoulda known she would find it. The child can find anything I don’t want her to find in seconds. Chocolate boom she’s on it, new chapstick poof! It’s gone. It’s like a gift, some kids have the gift of intelligence, or athletics, my kid’s gift is finding shit. Of course I didn’t really hide it all that well, I actually had forgotten all about it until I saw it…in her hand.

The day started like most days, me trying to grab some extra moments of sleep and my kids adamently denying me the opportunity. I stumbled downstairs and made my cup of coffee, sat on the couch and nestled in for a few morning tv shows. Who doesn’t love starting their day with some cartoon version of the perfect mother? Or an adorable puppet signing songs at a decibel that would shatter my ear drums, had they not already been destroyed by the terrible twos, the shitty threes, and ferocious fours.

Eventually I threw some frozen Eggos in the toaster and slapped some water on the table for my darlings to enjoy their morning meal while I slammed another coffee and watched the clock willing the time to move forward five hours. After breakfast fun I announced I would be taking a shower, the boy headed off to play with his toys while the girl was busy finding mine.

I sped through my shower giving nary a thought to shaving. Slapped some conditioner in my hair and prayed my daily summer time frazzled look would somehow give the appearance of an effort made – it didn’t. I was in my bedroom towel drying when my adorable daughter appeared with what was not eight tiny reindeer, but instead my vibrator – in her hand.

“Mom, what’s this?” my inquisitive child asked wither her hand held out and my Gigi LELO vibrator staring at me.

“Uh, yeah give me that please.” I tried to say in the most calm voice I could muster while my eyes bulged as if a naked Jesse Williams was standing in my bedroom. (go ahead and look him up – I’ll wait, yup worth the look I know).

“Well What IS it?” Her little eyes darted from me to her cherished find as if she was watching a tennis match.

“It’s nothing, just let me have it.” I held out my palm willing with every ounce of prayer I could muster for her to hand it over.

I barely flinched because the more interest I led to the event the more her curiosity would spike.

“Well it’s very pretty! I LOVE the color!” She said with her eyes glowing and I could see her trying to figure out how she could be gifted it. It made zero difference she had no clue what she was asking for, it was pink and it was not hers. The allure was deafening.

“”Yes, well I know you love pink and all but this is Mommy’s so I’ll just go ahead and take that please.” I again summoned her with all my mental strength to give me the damn Gigi while I held my hand out.

“But why Mommy? I found it in your drawer, at the bottom underneath all that other stuff – it’s like you don’t even want it! I could have it!” she exclaimed excitedly.

“Uh yeah, not till your 21, and not a minute before,” I said and quickly swipped her new found friend from her little hand and deposited it in my top drawer quicker than you can say, “Lifetime of therapy.”

She hung her head in defeat and left my room saddened she could not have my hot pink GiGi LeLo vibrator. If only she knew, actually lets hope she never does.

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  1. andrea says:

    Love this! My 8 yo son found our KY Yours & Mine. He said, “Mommy, what is this??” I was like, “Uhhhh, that’s daddy’s lotion for his feet. Don’t touch it.” (Bad mommy)

  2. My mum once found mine…. I bet that was a conversation she wasn’t expecting to have with her oldest son.