Where the FUCK is the Chord?

Where the Fuck is the-2

It is a constant dance in the house of Shit – Riverdance has come to roost in our kitchen and that Mo-Fo needs to go break a leg somewhere else. Daily there is the great migration of chords from our kitchen counter, and I’ve about had it. First the chord moves a room over. I see it, but let it go because the child using it is laughing or hanging with a friend. Wholesome fun. So it slides. She moves the chord one more room away, will I notice? Nope probably not because it’s her and a friend giggling off with the contraband (and let’s face it they aren’t bothering me to use the easy bake oven). I foolishly allow this moment of respite to let the chord leave the premises and then it’s too late, that fucking chord is G.O.N.E. Leaving me to lose my mind screaming,”WHERE IS THE CHORD?!”

This year Santa bought cool little vinyl decals to affix on the chords for easy identification. This would help me claim the chord on the counter was in fact mine, since the black permanent marker proved to be a fucking liar and not permanent enough. And even with the monikers clearly on the chords they still go missing! I know I am not taking them anywhere, so my eyes are locked and loaded on the kids. They take everything everywhere. They are chord whores.

It’s always the kids.

I have bought replacement chords at a cost of $20/chord and still I am cordless. By the way, thanks Apple you’re the fucking best ripping us off even more. Could you not just offer up replacements at $10/chord? You KNOW that they will go missing or break, or why would you sell the replacement. You’re just being a fucking dick and I’m not happy about it. Was the money for the tablet not enough of you? You are making a killing on our household thanks to our love of technology. Could you get some sort of frequent flier program going or how about a card stamp? Anything because surely I am owed a replacement chord by now.

Instead I drop $20 on a new chord (not including the outlet!) and in less time than I can say, “What the Fuck” the damn chord is missing. If I didn’t know better I would swear Apple is stealing them, but I know better and I got my eyes glued to the ten year old girl who likes to travel around the house singing, dancing, and video tapping herself – thus sucking the power from her iPad. SHE is the one taking the chords, and now I just gotta find out where she is putting them because I have looked everywhere. Is she selling them? After all she does have some cash I can’t figure out where from, or does she just enjoy watching me lose my shit for the fucking things?

It may be a combo for her, she’s a sly one that kid.

I am personally down to one chord from a high of three. I’ve got it stowed away in my car and if I lose it I will need a chord to teether my ass to the ground because I will be in orbit.


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  1. I feel your pain, sister! I specifically buy extra cords and hide them, so they’ll always be available when I go on business trips – BUT THEY DISAPPEAR! My kids are little cord-magnets – they can sniff out a cord from a mile away! Argh!