Why Shopping Sucks

Recently I went to the mall in search of one thing – a pair of black pants. I tried on at least 25 pairs of black pants before I settled on a pair. The fact that I have five pairs of black pants in my closet and needed another pair (they all shrank) was a swift kick into my squishy guy.

I realized a few things while I was exploring my complete failure to lose enough weight to wear any of the orphan black pants I currently own.  

  1. Length – I am 5’6 and have long legs and a short torso. Every damn pair of paints I tried on puddled past my feet. I would need to be 5’9 to make these things work and when I am being charged $89 (hello could you just call it $90?) for a pair of pants I sure as hell don’t want to pay an additional $10 to have them hemmed, not to mention the time involved because lord knows I don’t shop a month in advance. The average height of a woman is 5’4″ tall so how in god’s name does the Regular length pant not fit? Oh and I tried petite too – guess what? I’m too damn tall for petite – fuckers.
  2. The Help – These people will only bother you when you do NOT want any help. Browsing through a rack…the sidler is right there asking if you need anything. But when you actually need help like when you are half naked in the dressing room where is your gal pal?? No where to be found. I had to repeatedly get dressed to go in search of another size. (shut up, I was in denial)
  3. Sales – That big red lettered SALE sign in the window beckons me to enter…screaming out my name. I oblige, it’s the least I can do. You know what’s on sale? Ugly shit, clothes in sizes only my 8yo could wear, crap with holes in it, and the largest size the store carries. You know what’s not on sale? Anything and everything I like.
  4. Guests – While I was struggling to squeeze my large derriere into last year’s size the petite little rainbow of life in the room next to me declared that she needed, “something smaller than a size 2, this is just soooo big!” I almost strangled her with my tunic/moo-moo sweater.
  5. Sizes – While perusing one of my favorite stores I noticed that they missed the memo that there was an obesity epidemic in this country because the number of Size 00 and Size 0 I found was nothing short of astounding. Why in God’s name are you paying $90 for a pair of pants when you can go buy a pair at any kids store for half the price!
  6. Seize the Moment – Always buy it when you first see something if you wear the popular sizes. Last weekend I saw an adorable pair of teal flats for $30. I was too lazy and didn’t want to bother taking my shoes off to try them on. I went back a week later and size 7.5 was gone. Oh but they did have a 6.5 and an 8.5, thanks lady yes I would love to get these in an entire size smaller/larger because that makes 100% sense. Idiot.
  7. Shoes – Men did you ever wonder why your lady has so many pairs of shoes? Why she may go to the mall to buy one pair of black pants but come home with hypothetically two pairs of shoes also? Easy – because shoes fit. They are the peace maker of all shopping trips. The shoe purchase buoys our spirits in times of sadness, in times of anger, in moments of hopelessness. Yes, this is why we all have so many damn pairs of shoes – because when all else fails a little thing like a new pair of kicks makes a shitty day of shopping worth it. 
  8. Shed all Preconceived Ideas – After exhausting three of my favorite shops for ‘simple’ black pants that were not too tight, too long, or too short (I swear I was the Goldilocks of shopping) I entered the dreaded Department Store. I opted to try on the pants deemed to have “Comfort Waist”. May I just say these were absolutely the most divine pair of pants I had put on my body the whole day. I sat and wasn’t suffocated, the length was perfect, and the poly/cotton combo screamed no stain was gonna adhere to these babies. SOLD! When I went to go pay at the counter they handed me my AARP card too. Bonus!!

Why Shopping-11

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  1. Jhanis says:

    This is why my husband buys my clothes for me. I do not have the patience to go through all the racks to find my size. And I’m 5’6″ too and here that’s considered tall, so finding a pair of pants that does not abruptly ends 2 inches from my ankles can be time consuming. Pfft.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Good thing it’s almost summer and capri’s are an option! This is also why I own so many pairs of leggings. You are brave to let your hubs shop for you!!

  2. Had to laugh at shoes being the “peacemakers” So true!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Always make me happy to get a new pair of shoes 🙂

  3. Your attitude towards thin women is full of “preconceived notions.” A size 0 or 2 is NOT going to fit the same as pants from the girls section, because girls are not shaped like women. I’m a 0 but I still have the body of a WOMAN. Not a prepubescent child.

    Stores do not stock large numbers of small sizes. I cannot go to just any store and buy clothes because some stores JUST DON’T CARRY IT. You know, just like larger sizes. Nor do they usually put anything I could conceivably wear on sale either.

    I don’t like paying $70 for a pair of jeans. But I pay the $70 because I really don’t have that choice if I want clothes that actually fit and that I do not “swim in.” Yeah I’ve been that person saying the size 2 was too big. Do you think that is any less frustrating to me than it is when YOU don’t find clothes that fit? I’m not fucking special for being a 0. And I am NOT a target for people like you to use for a blog post on why shopping apparently only sucks if you’re a larger woman.

    If you think it’s just so easy and ha ha fun times to be thin, then I urge you to read this.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Dear Steph…I spent the first 30 years of my life in a size 2 and 4 so you can back up the anger train. My sister would always wear a size 16 kids and she was perfect in them up through her thirties. Try shopping at Ann Taylor, Loft, J Crew, or Banana Republic – they stock primarily smaller sizes that you would fit in. And lastly this post isn’t about you as shocking as that may be.

  4. Shoes never judge!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Seriously! They just love so much.

  5. I feel your pain here, I really do. I was talking to a friend the other day about how most jeans aren’t all that comfortable and what I really miss are my maternity jeans. They had THE BEST soft, stretchy panel that didn’t go all the way over my belly but didn’t let my lady bits peek out either. Why can’t they make regular jeans with a soft stretchy panel on the top? Your shirt covers it anyway. And I’m totally with you on the shoe thing. Thank god for shoes.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Seriously! That stretchy panel is FANTASTIC! I bought a Jag brand jean skirt with the comfort style waist- highly recommend.

  6. …my favorite line, “the little petite rainbow of life” in the stall next to you! I just choked on my old man Grape Nuts cereal! And the “comfort waist” – I’m laughing so hard! But aren’t they comfy?! We are one bedazzled shirt away from hitting the slot machines in Vegas, aren’t’ we?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Ewww grape nuts are sooo gross! I am holding onto my Lucky Charms, which is why I have comfort waist pants. I did choke on my own spit when I read the bedazzled shirt though. If we ever wear a red hat I can only pray someone shoots us.

  7. Pattie says:

    AARP and department store clothes are what keep me from joining a nudist colony. Welcome to the comfort zone.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      The comfort zone is a nice place to be…glad I will have company.

  8. I feel that pain.
    I rarely shop for clothes and would never have a thing to wear if it wasn’t for my daughter’s. They enjoy that BS so I am happy to give them my CC to shop for me too.
    I need more shoes.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I always need more shoes…always.

  9. Robyn says:

    If it’s any consolation, I am 5’9″ and regular pants are WAY too short for me. I don’t know who they are supposed to fit but it isn’t tall girls either.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Hmmm…maybe we should go shopping together and I can give you all the pants that are too long! Win-win.

  10. Yes. Yes. And YES. My favorite line was, “and then they handed me my AARP card.”
    Does this mean we’ve turned into our mothers now?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I am beginning to embrace my turning into my mom…kinda…that means my kids might leave soon then right???

  11. Kati says:

    Shoes and bags . . . bags never judge and they never hurt my feet. Great post and I buy most of my comfy clothes that the big department store . . . stretchy with control top panel . . . mmmm mmm.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Something to be said about those department stores. I try to avoid them bc I get so overwhelmed in them but this time it was a total WIN!!

  12. So funny – and educational! As a bloke, the only times I enjoy shopping are when I’m searching for books, music and toys. Shamefully, I don’t shop for my own clothes; my good wife does it for me. Don’t judge me!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      No fear – many of us shop for our men, we don’t have to try those clothes on either.

  13. I have a lot of shoes. And purses. No black pants.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Amen sister – I have way way way too many purses….those I don’t even need to try on.

  14. Thanks for a fun and informative post 🙂 As a man, you have given me pause to reflect on the true motivations behind shopping!

    This was especially poignant: “Men did you ever wonder why your lady has so many pairs of shoes? Why she may go to the mall to buy one pair of black pants but come home with hypothetically two pairs of shoes also? Easy – because shoes fit.”

    It all makes sense now! Thank you 🙂

    Take care and all the best.


    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      It’s the least I can do for you Lyle, no doubt the women in your life are wonderful and don’t want to share the reality to why we all have so many shoes…it doesn’t necessarily reflect well on our bodies 🙁 But now you know and can just nod and maybe throw a little pity her way too.

  15. That was one funny shopping spree, you need to film it and post on utube. Such a fan of your funny s&^$ you make me happy !!!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Awe thanks!! That makes me soooo soooo happy to hear 🙂 And seriously if I could video it you would be blind from the site of me in those damn black pants…that for the record I didn’t even wear at the conference!