Why Women have Shitty Bras

I hate bra shopping – actually I don’t just hate, I loathe it. Eventually though I am forced to break down and purchase some bras. I don’t think I am alone on this either. I have yet to hear one lady squeal with delightment about the possibility of purchasing undergarments. At one point my husband coyly suggested I freshen up the under wardrobe just a tad. Like most men, he doesn’t understand why I don’t rush out to replace such a provocative piece of clothing. So here’s all the reasons why…

  1. Bra’s cost anywhere from $20 – $65. I could buy a really nice sweater, shoes, groceries, get a haircut, basically anything would be better than a bra for that money.
  2. Bra shopping should not ever be done with children in tow. If I were to bring my daughter with me she would be feeling every piece of the lace, sequin, satin, and sheer garment in the store. If I brought my son, we would both need therapy. This is a solo adventure and I hate to waste one of the few opportunities I get to leave my house childless on bras.
  3. Being fitted for a bra could be one of the most awkward experiences ever. The stores are outfitted with young, way to cheerful, girls walking around with a tape measure slung over their shoulders. I go out of my way to get the middle age or even better, older woman, to help me out. There is no competition, no awkwardness. No matter who I have though it is awkward; holding my arms out while my gal pal throws the measuring tape around my torso and not so perky girls. All the while I am staring off to the side and acting as if this is not as bizarre as it really is.
  4. Upon donning my new dud I get to ring my Girl/Lady of the Night to come check me out – how they are, or are not, hanging. We talk support, straps, cups, and coverage. I might be lucky enough for her to attempt an adjustment on the straps that either hoists my babies up front and center or just smooshes them till they spill out the sides. At the end of this I feel like we should exchange numbers or something.
  5. I find myself sucking in my gut and pushing my handles into my pants in an effort to impress my girl. I want to compare well with the other overweight customers.
  6. I get to announce my band size that is larger than some children’s height.
  7. The clerk hands me the basket of the stores best bra’s available to try on. I can’t help but think – when were these last washed? And how many other ladies put their boobs in these before me? Gross.
  8. There are always the girls that shop with their boyfriends. This tends to be a teenager – and seriously if my son ever shopped with his girlfriend, or my daughter brought her boyfriend into a bra store, I will kill them.
  9. The worst, most horrible, thing I have witnessed while bra shopping – the family that shops together. Mom, Dad, and daughters searching through the sale underwear bins and holding up options. This is a hard core no way in hell, ever, never, NO. I just get the creeps being there while they peruse the items.

Men this is why your lady has bra’s in her drawer that are older than your marriage. This is why we have bra’s that are held together with safety pins, or with one side that has underwire and the other that has had it removed – resulting in lopsided boobs. This is why we have bra’s that have bandaids over the spot where the wire is poking through, or why we will actually get the sewing kit out in an attempt to fix our bras.This is why our boobs spill over and out of our bras in an attempt at escape, and this is why we continue to wear bras that leave a full leave imprints on our bodies when we remove them.

Now you know, so leave us and our old bras the hell alone.

 ShittyBras

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  1. Yeah, if you average out the money I spend on all the bras that I order online to AVOID all of the above, and then consequently discard after 2-3 wearings, I bet I spend about $65 per bra that I keep. EVERYTHING about bras sucks so bad – but so does NOT wearing them if you are bigger than B cup. Yet another “F-YOU” from Mother Nature to women.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I hit a sale last week where all the bras were 40% off, so that wasn’t too bad. Also, when you buy 5 you get the 6th free. They may not last years but for $150 I am set for a while. I do not like my girls swinging in the wind, so no bra is not an option.

  2. I, too, loathe bra shopping. In NY, I once spent 90 minutes shopping for bras and undies on my lunch break, then stopped to grab a slice of pizza on my way back to the office — only to find that someone had nicked my shopping bag from under the table! I was distraught they were stolen — not just because of the money I spent — but because of all that TIME I spent trying on those frikkity-frik-frik bras that I would have to endure again! Argh!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Truly one of the worst things to do – right up there with bathing suit and jeans, but almost worst bc no one even see’s these! I would have cried if someone stole my bras after finally finding the right one and forking over an ungodly amount of money only to lose them. I am sure the person who took them were delighted with their score too. Assholes.

  3. Angela says:

    The last time I was near the underwear section of Target my son picks up a thong and asked if it was a headband! My daughter replied ‘valid question but no’

    Roflmao!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Oh my god – just what I needed! That’s gold!

  4. I got measured once, now I shop online… knowing that I lost weight I just dropped a cup size… I kinda love going to VS though, does that make me weird?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I like going to VS, its all girl in there. But nothing stops that train and pushes it the hell off the track then seeing men in the store shopping with their families!!! WTF?! I also like to go during the day now, but before I would have to negotiate my time at night so it’s not too bad at all.

  5. Why aren’t you using the plastic measuring cups they gave us in the goody bag at BlogHer?
    I know my measurements, or at least I claim to do so. I always buy the same brand, same model, same size bra from their outlet store. Colors may change.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I totally should use those. I bet if I strung them together with some duct tape and cloth I could make a rock star bra, and it would be waterproof – well kinda.

  6. Oh my days, there’s absolutely nothing worse than bra shopping. I cheat and don’t get measured. Ever. Except once when I was still New To Bras (as a young teen) and NEVER AGAIN! I’ll quite happily just go for what will *probably* work. Ack!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I hate it too! I get measured every now and then but the whole thing gives me the creeps.

  7. So fucking true. I’m always STUNNED that I’m still growing. I thought I hit my adult height at around 16?

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Damn straight – my girls are still growing. Don’t mind me I am over here eating chocolate by the truck load.

  8. I completely agree with you. 3 things that make it a *little* better for me: 1) Wear yoga pants (reduces my muffin top). 2) Find the oldest bra fitting specialist in the joint. I don’t need young and perky women judging me. 3) Buy 4 of the perfect bra. It’s fucking expensive but worth it.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Yup I had the lady that looked at least 20 years past my age fit me. I figured hers were worse, no where to go but up. I bought 6 bras – 3 of each of the ones I liked the best in all colors – Black, White, Taupe, Navy, Pink, and Taupe. I hope to not have to go back till I lose 20 pounds – which then I will fit in my ‘old’ bras, or ever again. I will employ the yoga pants move though – genius.

  9. Yvonne says:

    Oh, this reminded me of all the frustrating attempts to buy a bra I’ve had over the past few years, ever since I thought I ‘ought’ to get measured since I hadn’t been for a while and the bra I’d tried on didn’t fit. I laughed ruefully at the bras held together with safety pins! Don’t think I’ve quite done that, but I have worn one with more than a few holes! What I hate most is the way the measurers always insist that I need a band so tight I feel as if I can barely breathe. After giving up more times than I can remember (not helped by my quest for cotton or silk rather than the ubiquitous polyester) I have at long last got a few bras that fit and let me breathe.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      I have had to return bra’s after the sales girl insisted I was one size and I in reality I was not even close. Yes I tried them on, they seemed ok but not great – but lets face it it’s a bra…they are all uncomfortable. Brought it home and tried to make it a day with it on and was like WTF is this! Once you find a good one though it’s like gold.

  10. Melanie Marine says:

    I walked into a v.s. once and there was a male salesman. I don’t care that he was flamboyantly gay, I walked out. I couldn’t do it. Although looking back on it, I should have stayed….he probably wouldn’t have judged!

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      Oh no, that would not work – I don’t care if he was dressed head to toe in pink. Though your right – he would be the best one in the whole place to ask for help, but nope. The cynic in me would naturally assume he was faking it just to get to hang out with women and touch their boobs all day. There are some shockingly very gay straight men – Cam Modern Family anyone??

  11. Faith says:

    Bra store ladies like to argue with me.
    The most recent example went like this:
    “This bra is shoving my boobs into my armpits.”
    “Your boobs are supposed to be there. Having them point forward is unnatural.”
    o_O ….If I wanted the ‘natural’ look, I wouldn’t need a bra!

    I also wish the manufacturers would just leave my bras alone.
    After Lane Bryant restyled their bra line, I can no longer find one to fit. Anywhere.
    Praying this current bra has an indestructible underwire.

    • theshitastrophy.com says:

      OMG Totally same problem! I found one I loved, went back to get it and guess what…no longer in stock! Seriously! Then I had to play the peek-a-boo game with my girl to find the right one. Awkward.

  12. Catherine says:

    I hate VS. They have it ingrained in American women’s heads that a DD is huge. They’ve “thrown a bone” to the larger busted ladies and expanded to a DDD, but really for just a few dollars more you can get a high-quality, really lovely bra that fits well and lasts more than a few washes. Check out http://www.sophisticatedpair.com to find out what size you really are (VS is always going to tell you wrong if you’re out of their size range) and then check out http://www.herroom.com. All you need to measure yourself is a soft tape measure. Then at herroom,com you can take a quiz and they’ll help you pick out some styles that will best suit you.

    • I will check them out! I have had marginal luck with VS and have stopped shopping there for the very reason you said – they tell you the wrong size to get you to buy. I have purchased my last few at Aerie and although I am on the higher end of what they stock (36D) I have found their prices good and their bras have lasted longer than VS. VS is just marketing done right, not products done right.

  13. Ashleigh says:

    Lane Bryant is the ONLY place that has bras that fit me. I am a bigger girl but I have a small chest. Due to a health issue, I do not grow in my chest. No weight gain, no pregnancy boobs, no breastfeeding boobs (can’t breast feed either). But because of Fashion makers, they lump all big girls into one category: Big girl=Big Boobs. So, I know my size, it doesn’t change unless I lose or gain weight and that is in the band, not the cup size.

  14. New here, but what a great post to jump in with! This is spot-on true. Bra shopping is the worst in every possible way. And don’t forget that the store is always most likely a thousand degrees. And if you’re bigger (like me) you are going to sweat like an underwear model from the Old Country.
    I will admit that while I do not enjoy the process, the whole measuring thing has proved very helpful in choosing bras that actually keep the girls where they belong. I’ll concede to that.
    Great post.

    • Thanks so much! Aerie has the buy 5 get one free sale and overall their prices aren’t too bad if you hit a good sale $20/bra. They only carry to 36D in the store though, and the options are limited, but I like them.