There is a new word in my lexicon and it is merkin, AKA the pubic wig. How did I not know about this? Sure I have heard of ‘gherkin the merkin’ but I was under the impression merkin meant a male anatomical member and gherkin was another way to reference jerkin. Apparently I was wrong.
I am not the most informed sexual being, so I suppose the word merkin does not find it’s way into my everyday life. It is not like The Hubs and I discuss the amazing merkin on the next door neighbor. Nor is merkin a part of the latest HGTV’s House Hunter episode, you know where the husband says he loves the neighborhood, but the merkin is all wrong and he couldn’t possibly live with that color.
So when I stumbled upon the word merkin on Pinterest I was intrigued. What is this word, how did I not know about the importance of kitty carpet, and what is the history behind it all? Inquiring minds needed to know. Behold the lifeline of the merkin, aka the pudendum pasty.
Women’s nether regions are a very popular topic that waxes and wanes dependent upon the way the wind blows (oh yes I did). Currently women are digging their pubic area to be devoid of hair. Ever since Carrie from Sex and the City had her hoo-ha turned into a prepubescent girls poody tat, women have been flashing their love muffins to any 20 something-year-old with a cosmetology degree and a vat of hot wax. There are all sorts of variations to this ritual, the landing strip, the full monty, the triangle, just the bikini line (this actually makes sense for those that are genetically blessed with a full head (!) of hair). But it is not a new phenomenon, nope the womanly quest to tend her garden has been ongoing for centuries.
The 70’s brought the full bush, yes au natural was very en vogue. I suppose it was to balance out the afro’s that were all the rage in the disco era. But before the full forest became so popular there were centuries of woman pattern pubic baldness. The ancient Egyptians were the first on record to eradicate pubic hair via crude razors fastened out of flint and bronze (OUCH!) before they realized how absolutely horrible that was. The Egyptians have been credited with being the great-great-x100-grandmother of what today is called sugaring. The 1400’s brought on the need for the naked beaver to ensure the ladies of the night didn’t get lice from their dates (EWWW!). Oh and also to hide the disfigurement from syphllis, cause that could probably end a romantic tryst right out of the gate (good thing there were only candles then). The 1500’s was the era of over grown apple groves thanks to French Queen Catherine de Medici. She actually forbade her ladies in waiting to groom the thickets (how did she enforce this I wonder, that’s an awkward boss/employee relationship). Reportedly though ladies still took the old yard utensil out and weed whipped that shrub back down to a respectable hairless region. (data source) All of this trimming and trouncing led to the creation of the beloved merkin, a toupee for your labia.
I know when I want to really impress my man my first thought is to bedazzle my lower region, and I’m not talking jewels. There are all sorts of options, palm trees, cherries (popping the cherry takes on a whole new meaning), hearts, and other assortments. But if your man is directionally challenged I strongly suggest going with the arrow (available in multiple colors!) to show him the way to your whisker biscuit.
With Halloween right around the corner how about dressing up your kitty cage with your very own merkin pussy cat!
Or are you feeling lucky? Do you want to show your special someone the way to the pot of gold? Well follow the rainbow to this lovely little item offered from HollywoodMerkin.com, one of the few purveyors of merkins for your lovely pink panther.
All of these items are made from 100% human hair that are meticulously woven onto lace to ensure their comfort while wearing. And don’t worry about your lovely faux fur falling off while in use, there are various adhesives that are made specifically for adhering your new carpet to the old catchers mitt – some will even hold for up to 6 weeks!
I think I liked it better when I thought merkin was just related to jerkin.