WTF is a Merkin?

WTF is a Merkin

There is a new word in my lexicon and it is merkin, AKA the pubic wig. How did I not know about this? Sure I have heard of ‘gherkin the merkin’ but I was under the impression merkin meant a male anatomical member and gherkin was another way to reference jerkin. Apparently I was wrong.

I am not the most informed sexual being, so I suppose the word merkin does not find it’s way into my everyday life. It is not like The Hubs and I discuss the amazing merkin on the next door neighbor. Nor is merkin a part of the latest HGTV’s House Hunter episode, you know where the husband says he loves the neighborhood, but the merkin is all wrong and he couldn’t possibly live with that color.

So when I stumbled upon the word merkin on Pinterest I was intrigued. What is this word, how did I not know about the importance of kitty carpet, and what is the history behind it all? Inquiring minds needed to know. Behold the lifeline of the merkin, aka the pudendum pasty.

Women’s nether regions are a very popular topic that waxes and wanes dependent upon the way the wind blows (oh yes I did). Currently women are digging their pubic area to be devoid of hair. Ever since Carrie from Sex and the City had her hoo-ha turned into a prepubescent girls poody tat, women have been flashing their love muffins to any 20 something-year-old with a cosmetology degree and a vat of hot wax. There are all sorts of variations to this ritual, the landing strip, the full monty, the triangle, just the bikini line (this actually makes sense for those that are genetically blessed with a full head (!) of hair). But it is not a new phenomenon, nope the womanly quest to tend her garden has been ongoing for centuries.

The 70’s brought the full bush, yes au natural was very en vogue. I suppose it was to balance out the afro’s that were all the rage in the disco era. But before the full forest became so popular there were centuries of woman pattern pubic baldness. The ancient Egyptians were the first on record to eradicate pubic hair via crude razors fastened out of flint and bronze (OUCH!) before they realized how absolutely horrible that was. The Egyptians have been credited with being the great-great-x100-grandmother of what today is called sugaring. The 1400’s brought on the need for the naked beaver to ensure the ladies of the night didn’t get lice from their dates  (EWWW!). Oh and also to hide the disfigurement from syphllis, cause that could probably end a romantic tryst right out of the gate (good thing there were only candles then). The 1500’s was the era of over grown apple groves thanks to French Queen Catherine de Medici. She actually forbade her ladies in waiting to groom the thickets (how did she enforce this I wonder, that’s an awkward boss/employee relationship). Reportedly though ladies still took the old yard utensil out and weed whipped that shrub back down to a respectable hairless region. (data source) All of this trimming and trouncing led to the creation of the beloved merkin, a toupee for your labia.

I know when I want to really impress my man my first thought is to bedazzle my lower region, and I’m not talking jewels. There are all sorts of options, palm trees, cherries (popping the cherry takes on a whole new meaning), hearts, and other assortments. But if your man is directionally challenged I strongly suggest going with the arrow (available in multiple colors!) to show him the way to your whisker biscuit.

arrow merkin

With Halloween right around the corner how about dressing up your kitty cage with your very own merkin pussy cat!

Pussy Shooshka

Or are you feeling lucky? Do you want to show your special someone the way to the pot of gold? Well follow the rainbow to this lovely little item offered from HollywoodMerkin.com, one of the few purveyors of merkins for your lovely pink panther.

LuckyMerkin

All of these items are made from 100% human hair that are meticulously woven onto lace to ensure their comfort while wearing. And don’t worry about your lovely faux fur falling off while in use, there are various adhesives that are made specifically for adhering your new carpet to the old catchers mitt – some will even hold for up to 6 weeks!

I think I liked it better when I thought merkin was just related to jerkin.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. This casts a whole new light on the “love” scenes in historical romances while reinforcing my belief that the internet is a very strange place.

  2. Hilarious yet enlightening. It’s always nice to know that there’s always something new to learn and the internet is definitely the place to find it…

  3. oh.my.god.

  4. But does the carpet always match the drapes?

    • Nope Cheryl you can get your carpet in any color. I think blue would really bring out your eyes.

  5. Jeez! I am like a Virgin over here! I never even
    Heard of a Merlin and I thought a gherkin was
    A small pickle. Wait… Hahah

  6. Oh my! This is one of those things I could have gone my whole life without knowing! But of course with my wild imagination I just had to consider how some women might use it to get more attention from their “man” but creating one that looks like a video game or at least a TV. Then again, if that is the only way to get his attention then a girl is FAR better off getting rid of him altogether!

  7. I know a woman who’s a hair stylist, and a friend of hers used to make them for the porn movie industry. Apparently in porn movies, all those young ladies are bemerkined (is that even a word?). I don’t know why, exactly, but that’s the rule. Or the tradition. Or whatever.

    • Who is tasked with cleaning that wig? GROSS!!!

      • qwertygirl says:

        Oh dear god I hadn’t gone there. I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s like the old joke about the guy who shoveled the elephant poop. As he was shoveling, he’d bitch and moan about how much he hated shoveling elephant poop. Finally someone walking by heard him and said, “If you hate it so much, why don’t you quit?” and the guy replied, “WHAT? And leave show business?!?”

        Whoever has to do it probably bitches and moans but at the end of they day they keep doing it because they don’t want to leave show business! 🙂

        • Could you imagine hand sewing on human hair to a pasty for your nether regions? That’s a tough one to put on the old resume.

  8. I would tell my husband that I want a merkin for christmas, but he’d probably actually give it to me.

    The lady grooming…yes..such a big deal. I have been lazy about that for the past, well..20 years.

    • Once you are married the grooming seems to be less of a necessity – on both people;)

  9. Kim says:

    Oh heeeellll no. Even after 4 years of marriage we’re both still trimming the forests (or small shrub as the case may be). Neither one of us can tolerate too much hair on our own bodies so neither one of us cares too much for hair on the other. Just…eww.

  10. Hilarious article! That I now must never read ever again. 😉

  11. Ummmm, no. I mean, I’ve shaved “art” down there to keep things spicy, and I even once had a full Brazilian (never again). But I just can’t see going through the pain and hassle of removing it all, and then GLUING SOMEONE ELSE’S HAIR TO MY PUBIC REGION.

    So, no. Just no.

  12. Mandi says:

    So really….rip it all out, then glue on someone else’s hair? WTF!

  13. lover of hysterical shit says:

    step 1: shave your shit
    step 2: glue someone else’s pubic hair on your shit as a decorative mask to entice your lover
    step 3: it’s now called the “Herp’in Merkin”
    step 4: you’re welcome for the decorative STD

    • Nothing hides crabs better than fake hair on your lady bits.

      • lover of hysterical shit says:

        Touche! If you had male parts I’d ask for your hand in bondage- marriage is overrated 😉

  14. Phil says:

    Oh come on, do you expect us to believe you don’t own a vag toupee or two? 😉

    Now I know why you aked me the other day!

    • For the holidays I am thinking of getting the palm tree and vajazzling it as our family christmas tree. Should be a memorable time for all!

  15. Jana says:

    This post taught me SO much I didn’t know. It was like being back in school again…but in a fun way. I know I would have paid better attention to history class if they taught things like the evolution of the lady bush.

    • YES I soooo woulda had they done math with merkins too – if one person puts a pussy toupee on with adhesive that says it lasts 6 weeks, but it only lasts 4 how would you best write this equation in algebraic terms?

  16. Liz says:

    How did I miss this post? Was it hidden under a merkin? I love merkins. Not wearing them. Just that they exist. That along with vajazzling. What’s next, will Claire’s accessories start selling little scarves for our lady parts?

Trackbacks

  1. […] WTF is a Merkin? […]